My hair dyed.

Before...

AFTER!<3

At the moment though it's pink and blue and a bunch of that.
aldkfjal;kfjl;askdja

I've been awake for my 3rd day already and I'm sooo exhausted... my attitude has gotten better about things lately. Today, I got my new phone, it's an i9. it's very spiffy. I enjoy it for such a little thing.

And Tuoni accepted me<3 She's this really pretty girl from youtube and I absolutely adore her. She's talented and amazing and I love her voice and she's so cute. I talked to her a little on myspace through comments. I'm sort of shy, I actually do want to become her friend and I'd like her to get to know me other than the other fans she has.

I've been talking to Linsey, I love her. :3 hehe.

I confused Dylon today, it was so cute and funny, or at least to me anyway. Hehe. I told him about how this man suddenly flipped on me because I was cursing going; "When I say weak ass you say BITCH!" And that is refference to a video from youtube called 'Annoying'.
And he turned around and he goes; "excuse me young lady, i don't like the way you speak."
And I asked him, "Sir are you 4?" And he told me that I need to learn manners or I'll never get anything in life. Dylon said he'd drop him. :3 that made me uber happy.

After a while what really caught my heart was Dylon saying; "If anyone messes with you i'll drop them" He's so protective over me, I honestly absolutely love it. <3 He's my Guardian Angel, protects me and my happiness better than anyone could.

I was talking to Diyahna and I was told things I sort of never really expected BIG out of from her. This makes me wonder now. And should I be cautious?
Whatever happens happens I suppose...

Dust Bunnies

I HATE Dust Bunnies, they freak me out and make me scream like a guy screaming like a bitch. Their just so big and poofy and all icky.
You can ask Dylon especially, when he was on the phone with me and I was cleaning, I would drop the phone and scream, and he would laugh at me.

Dylon always laughs when something bad happens to me
Okay not all bad like tragic bad, just...certain things are just HULARIOUSH to him.

Like, gluing my fingers together, getting chased by a squirrel, getting hit in the face with the paw ( with claws ) of my cat, tipping over, screaming to the Spongebob Squarepants theme song, and so much more.

Right now, i'm dying my hair bleach blonde, and at the moment it's not really going well, it's not turning blonde on my hair in some parts, i'm getting pissed, so pissed that i'm soaking it in even more dye!! ><;;

That can't be good, I haz Azn hair, it should work!

Oh well, my hair is going to come out dece and i'm going to love it.

I'm gonna finish my muffin and i'm off, ciao.

Rainy<3

7:38am

I'm fully awake again. I've been cleaning my room and talking to Lindsey this whole time. Major fun. Well, I just found a bunch of stuff to tape to my wall. Love Notes, Friendly Notes, Drawings, Pictures, Magazine Rips/cut outs. It's so much fun to just look up and around at all the things from the past and future. Things that will make you cry, and laugh. Over and Over.

I have notes and poems of me and Dylon. I cried when I found my 1 year anniversary note that I wrote in my planner from school. There are a couple posters too. It's surprising how over the years I've grown and grew up with the things that remind me of this or that at that time or around it. Reminiscing at it's best.

I threw out a bunch of pictures I didn't like too though, just irrelevant, horrible horrible quality or not worth of any use. I am appalled at how many photos I took in a few years as well! I'll be surely making more.

There's just this one poster that bugs me like hell though, Victoria D made it for me, she's such a sweetheart, but the damn thing is just so rolled up that every time i put it up it just rolls back in or falls. So I'm trying to flatten and ruin it's shape of being rolled up as much as I can. and I'm still trying to find more things to put on my wall. I'm obsessed! Maybe when I go to Winne Dixie today I'll buy a couple of pretty magazines. :)
I'm going to be dying my hair today. Great joyyy! I can't wait. I still have a lot of cleaning to do.

When I'm done I'll take pictures and post at how amazing my wall it, it eats yo face.
In other words, your mom.
In other words, cat.

rainy<3

I can't stop crying

I was just talking to Dylon and some things were just stupid to say.
He told me he never hated me, he was getting pissed off at me for thinking that he hates me or don't take or have any time to care about me, boy was I wrong

I guess I shouldn't have underestimated him, or our friendship, I'm beginning to appreciate all that I have now. I'm so stupid.

I love that kid so much, I'm slowly appreciating and realizing him more as my true best friend than my ( ex )boyfriend. Like as if we were never together at all, just have a strong friendship. Blood is always thicker than water.

I'll always forever love him, I know now that I have to be strong. I have to tell myself to stop preventing what he's trying to do to help me. I can learn to be happy. I mean, he's everything to me, He's my Guardian Angel, My Lover, my True Best Friend.

I love you Dylon James Riopelle.
True Best Friends Forever, from December 15th 2007 to Forever.<3

I feel like dying.

I just do...

Wow

I stand corrected, he did call, a couple hours ago actually. but we were only on the phone for about 6 minutes, he 'had to go'. Whatever or wherever he's up to. I'm beginning to regret ever going out with him. I wish he could just open up to me, I want to know what's on his mind. I want to know what he wants and/or needs.

I'm falling really quick away from him now. And I seriously absolutely don't know what I'm doing, I'm just going to the point where I'm actually literally abusing myself physically. just bruises, because bruises go away, I can't see the scar of my bruises or anything. It'll never come back.

My wrist hurts every time I move it though, I woke up one morning with a spot of blood on my bed and a couple scratches, I don't know what I did that night. It's not intentionally with my nails or a knife or razor or whatever. Like I scraped it against something, but whatever it is, for something so small, it hurts.

Just now, I broke a glass bottle of alcohol. It was a mini vodka bottle. The wisps of splashes of vodka hit my face like I just got splashed with water when I wash my face. The taste was warm and yet it tasted sweet. Vodka for me never really tasted sweet, just really strong. I guess it was stupid to break that bottle. But I had to get some sort of thing out. I'm sick, I just wanna let go, and be free. I feel like a little kid again, weak and with no direction. I want comfort, I miss the days where I ran around in the rain and hurt myself from falling or something and I would go to Amber and as the big sister that she is she would hug me, laugh at me and tell me it's going to be okay.

I don't understand why I don't tell people or even those close to me things like this that I type now. Am I wishing for someone to read this? I mean, it's just too strange, I don't know how I could ever imagine or expect anyone to read so many things. Well, if anyone did, I'd like to see it.

It's 10:35am

And I've been awake since 6:13am. Seems to be my lucky number for some reason. I got 2 text messages from Cody, he always texts me when I finally sleep. Poor guy, I told him to just call.

Last night me and Dylon were texting, and I told him why I was depressed, he seemed to change the subject, like he didn't care, he was playing Doom 3 he told me. But hey, I don't mind if he cared or not what was going on with me; It's pathetic and pointless anyway. At least, that's what I say.....

He was feeling sleepy and was going to sleep, after I said good night, I was still crying, I texted him a couple minutes after saying how much I was actually hoping for a phone call, so he texted me all happy saying he'd call in the morning. I honestly just said back; 'Yeah Right Buddy..' Because, it's not that I don't believe him, but to be honest everytime he said he'd call me, he never did. Even when we were going out, a few ago, he would sleep over his dad's, and that night he wouldn't be able to talk on the phone for some reason and go tell me he'd call in the morning. If I woke up before I thought he would call I would just take my time getting myself together and I waited anxiously...

He never called.

I never made a big deal about it, because I always knew I'd talk to him through out the other times as well. And I don't know what his sleeping habit times are now, he could be awake now. I wouldn't know, but he seemed to be irritated with me saying ; 'Fine Don't believe me. but goodnight, byebye'.
Eh, I felt it was so wrong to even talk to him. The more I speak like this the more I know or I guess feel that I'm just going to be another girl to him, that's annoying and stupid and that's what he's going to tell just about anyone if he ever decides to talk about me. He tells me that about a couple of his ex's. He's sketchy with relationships. We're barely talking now. Still I guess you can say.

I just sent his myspace a video from Bullet for my Valentine - Forever and Always




I'm going to go play DS. Bright Saturday Mornings are so not for me...

Fuck it.

I loved him, that's it, I've loved him so much more than ANYONE ever could. This is stupid, I'm immature, pathetic, I don't need this, THERE'S NO NEED FOR THIS.
NO NEED FOR IT AT ALL.

I just can't stop crying, I'm in so much despair.
I just want him back, I want him back so horribly bad.
I don't want to see him, I don't even want to speak to him.

But I want him with me forever. What's the point of it anymore.
I'm falling even faster now. Not in love, but away from him.
And I'm absolutely
terrified.

Edit::

So, I was texting Dylon, he has a blog now. I wonder if he'll even bother or care to read every word in my blog, I do and have write a lot... Everytime I speak of him or think about him I just want to hurt him, but even worse I want to hurt myself far more than to ever go near him.
I want to give up...

I've brought to you this video today...

Stephen fails.
Sheep attack.

Shenanigans

Well, I'd like to update my blog with some photos from the past couple days now. Wednesday - Friday [ May 27th and 29th 2009 ]

This is Abby, she's so adorable :]
Fall 2006 - Hopefully forever, she's my cherry blossom little one. My little sister.

Haha I told Nikki We'd make her a sign, Matt looks like a muppet. :] In the drawing I mean hehe.

HE WAS MAKIN ME PIZZA :D We ate pizza together, heh it was funny, we both almost ate over expired ranch dressing to put on our pizza...

This was taken at Church [ Abundant Life ] in the bathroom, aha, cliche bathroom pictures =ftw.

She's like, my little sister, I could never get rid of her, you can her find her here on blogspot at http://alwaysinlovelover.blogspot.com/
This was taken in the Cafeteria I believe of the Church [ It's also a school ] They were having a donation and they had SWEETS, I was having a SUGAR HIGH.

This is Romario and Jessie, with Dominic in the background, love them.

This is me and Saidie, she's such an energetic girl I'm always going to remember her for sure.
SMILE FO' ME BABY!

I've known Jose since I was in 6th grade, he got held back and luckily we got to know each other, and to think I was so close to being in a relationship with this guy, but in the end It was worth it that I called it off, to save him, because even I know, we would never make it because I wouldn't be able to, I liked him, I wasn't in love with him.

BIG JACKET!!! MINE!!! MY MICHI! MINEMINEMINE!!!
I was running around like an idiot in Gym today, just i that jacket, my coaches all had the 'What the fuck is that midget Asian doing...' look on their faces. Priceless. That is Derrick's jacket by the way, he's huge... fit wise. Everything I wear from him is like a fucking dress. I trip.


This was the early morning shenanigans. We were being hilarious
My Fucking Goodness, my ass is huge...
From the bottom 2: Shelly, Jessie
From left to Right: Avi, Dominic, Kevin, Saidie, Romario, and Nicolson in the back and then my fatass.
I have no idea whose itsy bitsy little head that is in the back...


Haha, lookit meee I azn!adjl;fal' :'D


I was talking to Nicolson because he stole my DS to play my Sonic Rush game. Saidie took this photo :)


And this is me and her, Saidie, I love you booface. I look sick, well I didn't sleep for 2 days... so.


I absolutely love this picture of her.


I love how Romario, Nicolson and Jose have
their game face on and Saidie is the only one not serious lookin'.
Hilarious.
This photo wins for most epic take.


Sooo sillayyyy.


Nicolson was picking me up. And Romario decided to get on my ass.
And Dominic was trying to grab me too, but it looks more like he's trying to get some Nicolson
Oh, the shenanigans this photo has...


Dominic; WHAT IS YOU POINTIN AT SON!?


Oh child, oh no, Oh nooo... This was the part 2 take of the one above.


This is my cute face... or attempt.


INSERT LOL HERE.


Hahahaha Love and Nicolson, can't get any better than this


Nicolson is a Creeper...

Our dumb face

And well, this concludes my photos, I wish I knew how to make the entry a little shorter looking so it doesn't stretch out my page so wide length wise. Bleh, updates more later.

Rainy<3

The blood on our hands is the wine We offer as sacrifice

Wow, I am highly depressed like, fucked up and over wise. I don't know what I want or need. I can't find any heed to be content right now. I keep hearing the wrong things from people I thought at least cared about me. I haven't done any sort of thing wrong. I'm starting to not trust anyone anymore. At all, and that's really really bad. I guess people are feeling bad, whoever is reading is probably like, "oh poor thing she's sad", and then when I have a positive entry their possibly celebrating; "Yayyy!" Or they could be the stupid idiots who read and act like they don't give a fuck but keep reading because my words are just pathetic to them. Not so smart to read and learn about someone you don't even know or like now huh Anonymous?

So, today, when I was texting Dylon he seemed like he had an attitude with me, then again I can't truly tell over text, over voice or in person is much better to come to any conclusion that they have a problem or not. He told me he was writing in a blog, on Blogspot itself, he told me: "Good luck trying to find it". Excuse me? A username of your blog would be nice to know, but when I asked him, he never answered me...
After that, it was later in the night, when I got home, the first thing I did was go into my room and just cried. Cried Cried Cried. Like a child lost in a crowded cruel city unable, not enough care in their hearts or the world to acknowledge a child's cry for help, their parents.

Actually, about crying, I was crying in my 5th hour today, I found out my Team was splitting up, and dear god I can't believe how badly and easily I broke down. I honestly had the best school year of my life in Coral Springs Junior High, I had so much fun. Ms Marsala, Mrs Jent [ Spelling? Also aka Mrs Dollins ], Mrs Lambidis, Mrs Robb. Just wow, so much fun, my 7th grade was amazing as well. Everything was sweet. Hehe, I'm going to miss their sweet faces. I'm going to miss this school and everyone. It's all gone by so quick, I guess it's true when they say when you have so much fun, time just moves by so quick without you knowing... I'm still visiting the school when I'm working for my service hours, but... Change is good, like Mrs Lambidis said, she's such a crazy teacher. I love them all. If they were to ever find out about this blog and read this, I hope you never forget me even if I am out of a million students you will find and know every year... See you around. I love you all so much, and thank you for everything you could do to help me. Even if it was my work, it was your being to be there as a teacher and a friend. <3

Well, after all that, back to what I was saying, I'm in my room, I played my DS and played my frustration, anger and sadness all on Sonic Rush(tm) And wow, I sure beat so many levels. More better than when I'm calm... I cooked dinner for myself, chicken, rice, brocolli and eggs, I guess I do eat too much rice, blegh, Asianess. After a while I came online and myspaced for a while, I checked up on 2 shops about my payments that I paid for 2 different things, and that reminded me that when they sent back my letter of money, I have to resend it. I hope they aren't mad at me, I'll send it soon, I'm sorry...

I came to blogspot just a few ago and re-texted Dylon asking what his blog url/username was. He never answered, or still hasn't answered back yet. I found out on his facebook when I was looking at all my friends updates that he was at the mall with friends, one of them struck me hard and heavy when I saw the name Danielle. His new girlfriend I believe. I am indeed jealous and heartbroken. Every girl that even gets to remotely see him or seek a hug. I want to give up on him, I want to be angry. But I can't. What I hate about this most is that I've become one of the Silently anger filled, broken hearted people. And it's bringing out the absolute vile side of me.
I'm disgruntled about that fact. I can't believe how much hate I have in my heart right now to yell at anyone, tell them to go away, scream at them to Leave me the FUCK alone.

But I could never do that, being alone and having no support is my worst fear. Do I even make sense at all.

"I've got no room, you're in my face, Don't say anything, just go away."

I loved him, why is my entire heart depending all on him, I'm hurting so badly, I don't want to talk to him, but I want to keep him. I wish I had a better answer instead of being fucked up and over with this bullshit. Because, believe it or not, can he see at all, that I'm definitely fading and falling away from him slowly yet more and more each day...

Lately, I've been sick of seeing couples, but I have no mind to tell them to not do it in front of me, it's hard to even remotely try not to do so and I can't keep a couple from being together, and another thing is that would just make them go away, I wouldn't want that. But I guess I'd rather be away.

"I try to make it through my life,
in my way, there's you.
I try to make it through these lies, and that's all I do,
Just don't deny it, Don't try to fight this
And deal with it, and that's just part of it..."

Adam Gontier's voice speaks so heavenly to me, I guess I'm just indulging and intoxicating my mind with more and more negativity. I'm in Despair. I feel my immune system dying on me. I'm seriously getting sick. But I guess I don't want to be put out of my misery. I just want to be happy. Life is hard, and I guess all this pain and torture to my mind and emotions will only make me stronger. Or kill me.

**I will post pictures from today in the next entry.**

Last Friday

Of the school year. Only 4 more days and I'm out of junior high ( for those who didn't know, I started school late ).

And I am having a VERY hard time trying to find something pink to wear...
a;dklfj;akldjsals
I like pink, but I don't think it can make me very happy today
no sir
not happy at all
i'm not happy. :|

A thousand words...

Bed, Pillow, Blue, Towel, Zebra Print, Asian, Bracelet, luggage, sheets, blankets, Pooh Bear, Hollywood Undead Hat, drawer, kitty backpack, headboard, door, carpet, glasses, engagement ring, care bear, school backpack, hello kitty alarm clock, Pink, Key, friendship bracelet of me and Dylon with the pink small teddy bear charm, Wet Hair, hands.

Pictures, they speak a thousand words, this was me after school. It was raining a little and I took heed of a great idea and took this photo and decided to post it on here. I am going to be singing, and screaming and tearing my throat out at this point, no no... No I don't believe that's good at all.

Rainy<3

I feel sick

My anti depressants are gone. I feel absolutely shitty. I'm glad I could vent and rant absolutely everything in this blog, it's the only thing that I can speak my mind to and not get any shit for it. I've been complaining a lot in this blog, I act and talk like i have the absolute worst life more than anyone and the only thing lucky about me is being alive. Many people have had it worst. I'll... well, I don't know what to say here... yet.

Today was fine, and I let my friend Karen know about me and Dylon breaking up because a classmate asked if I had a boyfriend and Karen answered 'yes' and i explained it all to her, the pills, the therapy, the doctors, Dylon. All of it. She looked like she was about to cry.. I mean wow. Why would you feel my pain, I'm surviving aren't I? I can't contemplate very much, because this is the closest to feeling alive I'll ever get and I'm cherishing it.

I don't understand why I have my thoughts on cutting or smoking and drinking, such cliche thing that anyone does nowadays. I would never cut or burn myself for the reasons of the fact that it's a regret, such bitter bitter remorse, If I cut myself in place of Amber not being by my side, of Dylon not being my boyfriend anymore and leaving me for anyone or at all, that cut or burn will only be a rememberance, why I did it, i don't want to remember, i have to move on, fuck that shit. I've never done it and I hopefully never will. I'd have to be absolutely razed and lose absolutely everything and be in despair. I am alive, I am living, fuck the drama, so ostentatious, i'm sick of it.

I'm Alive... I'm Alive... I'm Alive

This morning I was sleeping soundly, but then I felt sort of, half asleep then. I all of a sudden found myself gripping my sheets, insides are twitching and twinging, my breathing became heavy, thick, unable to take in any air. I could hear my heartbeat over my breath, I got so scared, I thought I was absolutely truly going to die. But then, I woke up and threw my kitten Miki over. she was sleeping on my face, that's right, on my face. and I almost died because of her.

NEWSPAPER HEADLINE:
15 YEAR OLD GIRL DIES FROM CAT ON FACE
more details on Page 3.

PAGE 3:
EPIC FAIL

Anyway, after I had an overall good day, I couldn't stop thinking about Dylon because last night we were texting till he fell asleep, the whole time since we texted yesterday he sort of replied late, and i kept thinking i said wrong things or he was just busy. late late late replies, i was starting to get annoyed, but really, I didn't. But then, he told me that other people were calling him, the text that struck me was; "I was on the phone with people, I'm sorry, but I can talk to you. Finally" ...Finally?

And then I asked him what he meant by that and he told me he missed me and that he's been meaning to speak with me because he missed speaking to me. And best believe it, I felt my face flush, my face was pink, I was blushing, my heart beat so quickly but suttle. I'm not falling deeply for him again, I'm just in my crush mode as always like i was before we went out. And i'm okay with it. I mean, honestly right now if Dylon wants to go out with another girl, I don't mind, I will be honest and go ahead and say I will be jealous I will be a little heartbroken, but truthfully, our relationship is just going to end up being together till we're married, at least, that's what i fully believe. I like where we are right now, close friends and still talking. We talked on the phone for a little bit today, I was... so ecstatic to be on the phone with ihm, to hear such a friendly and sweet voice from that boy. but he had to go. bedtime rules by his father's girlfriend. pathetic.

My question right now that I just texted him saying; "When I see you again, would you kiss me...?"

Ugh, shoot, my cat just scratched me, it burns.For such little blood, it tastes so good.

Anyway, today was fun, I went over ot Matt's house today, I haven't seen him in about 5-6 months, it's been way too long. I swear to him he's gotten taller, hehe, he's so funny. We went to Church around 6 and met up with Abby. I've missed everyone so much at Church! Such welcoming hugs, I felt so at home and I had sooo much fun. I saw Mikey, Jenya, just so many people, it makes me happy to be around them. Hehe, I'm starting to live Life again, and possibly get a little closer to God again, or remain, who knows, I have faith.

There was some sort of skits and testemony's being shared at the service tonight, it was breathtaking and all so very razed, those people's lives, catharsis being poured out of their hearts. I've felt their despair... there was so many funny skits, one of Jerry Springer with the Easter Bunny, Santa's helper (elf) and some St Patricks guy. all funny, strange, and just... sketchy.
After all that we went to a cafeteria for the donation drive, and there were goodies! Nomyumnommins! Cakes and cupcakes, cookies and so much more, it smelled so so good. I had everything. When Joe came over and patted me on my shoulders and asked me how I was doing all I did was spazz out and say; "I'm on a sugar high!" it was funny hehe.

Well, coming home was nice, talked to Diyahna after so long, our talk was pleasant, but then it all just went off, and personally I have to say it's her fault for starting to think about Sam, she said something first, and it's also my fault for continuing the conversation. And she told me I didn't understand her, no one does, but one person does, and that's Elaina. I don't understand many things, I do but I don't. I've been in the shadows again lately, watching, pretending I don't understanding, actually not understanding. What a gift. She wrote a poem, a goodbye poem to a friend. It makes me wonder if she's possibly talking about Sam or maybe me. I don't know if I even am but i've been said to be very close to her, she's my other half. My better darker half. But even if it were about me, it's all fine. I honestly haven't been the best of friends with anyone lately. But I've been making effort. I was very upset when she decided to go offline on me. I don't know if she abruptly got kicked off or she decided to ditch and book after. But whatever her case she was doing just fine when she was talking to me. I'm not saying a word about Sam ever again. It's just not worth it for her. All we do is fight in every conversation we have ever since their relationship with Sam and Diyahna went downhill and split in November. It's just not worth it, I cried for her, to her, desperately, in despair. I put myself all in pain. She's a great girl, just wow, our friendship is just... horrible. But I still care about her. But hey, she's graduating and i'm proud of her, whatever happens and if destiny feels we're not really each other's halves, then i know how to let go... I can recreate, find something else.

Wow, for some reason my heart sank, my dependant personality disorder strikes 10 fold...

I am so fatigued, I need sleep. and more water. Did I forget to mention? I only have 2 out of 20 anti depressants left. Should I take them?

Key of Memory

So, it's 1:54am Tuesday May 26th 2009.

Nikki and Juan just tapped at my window. I thought I was going to open the door for them but she only wanted me to speak to her through my window. The first thing Nikki handed to me was a key "Amber wanted me to give this to you." She told me, it was a key that said 'Memory' on it. That only meant one thing and one very precious thing only, that I hold the key to Amber's memory. "Take very good care of it. DON'T.Lose.It. you hear me?" I was appalled, I finally grasped something that was in Amber's hands and when I did, my heart decided to abruptly conclude. I absolutely miss Amber. The moment my fingers touched that key I felt sort of hurt but somehow a good kind, I can't fathom it, don't ask me....
Nikki then asked me if I were alright, I answered her unintentionally because I was irrevocable on Amber. But then when I finally focused she asked me again and told me I wasn't okay, that I was a liar. Me? A falsifier? No Nikki, I was fine, I was just overwhelmed is all...
I was looking at Nikki with a calm serene tone in my eyes. Her was was quaky and her eyes seemed somehow a little bloodshot, and her eyes were big and glistening, was she crying before she came to see me?

I believe she was crying, I don't blame her though.

Meanwhile, Juan who tagged along with Nikki was occupied and highly amused with a slug that as crawling on my window, I hate slugs, their so ugly and gross ;/ Juan has always wanted to see a slug for the longest time, and I told him; 'I want a pet fuzzy caterpillar, gimiie!111shift+one'
And he just gave me a blank 'what the hell xD' expression. And then he put it on the grass, he named it Bob I think...

After they left I found some green string and put the key as a necklace around my neck. the green was suppose to be Amber because her favorite color is green. For some reason, for something so small, it's so valuable, like it holds an entire world, what will be my actual consequences if something were to happen to this delicate key? I may sound absurd but, I want to guard this key with my life. If my sister's memory's are important to her, their just as important to me, if anything were to happen with her memory, I'd give up mine for her to be happy instead of going through out her life trying to figure out many many things.

I actually rather be memoryless, I don't want to remember so many things but it wouldn't be worth the pain to not remember if that happens.

So I've been drawing this whole time, I just got done drawing my 'Queen of Heart's lolita' She's adorable.

I don't know if i want to draw anything else, I probably do...
Well, all my homework is done except for my study for my finals. gross.
I'm off to bed. More blogging tomorrow.

Kitten<3

Nostalgia and Missing Puzzle Pieces

Well, I've been better. I haven't talked to Dylon for now 2 days. This isn't a record really, but you know...
I know I know, I talk about him too much, but did I mention he's my best friend? I am concerned because he's now my ex-boyfriend. It's hard to call him a best friend when he has that label too.

Failure.

Well, anyway, I was texting Amber today, she said she missed me, I don't know what she's up to anymore but she stopped texting after I sent 'I'd like to find home soon'. Hmm, was that some sort of emotionally pathetic reply? I don't know, but she also told me Nikki comes back today. Then, everything will be back to normal again... I think.

I went to the Temple today in Miami. It was so warm, it was about 90 degrees, I hate heat... I hate it in Thailand more. Me, my mom, my grandpa, my sister and her fiancee, went to the mall. It was still raining so much, so hard...

I was looking out the window of the car on the way back to town in Coral Springs, listening to my friend's iPOD ( which i delibrately stole... sorta ) and all I could hear was Bullet for my Valentine.
I kept trying to make out shapes and faces in the sky, the weather is so bipolar. All I could see were gray and black clouds, and lightning, i could barely hear any thunder, i was too busy intuned with the music. But then I felt light, like the time I tried weed for the first time. Not really, bad example, when i tried weed i was just all dippy. But I mean, i felt like everything was slowly, slowly moving, to the point where you can see it moving but the motion too, I could hear Matt Tuck ( Bullet for my Valentine lead singer ) screaming his feelings into his lyrics flowing into my ears. I then started to realize again that everything was in silence, there is something terribly, terribly wrong, and i'm just staring out foreboding what may happen. I mean Dylon got kicked out of his house apparently... If only i could go get him, he could definitely live with me, but he's probably better off content with his friends smoking weed.

I wonder how much he's lying to me right now, honestly, our friendship, relationship, is so fucked up and over. But here we are, sorta back to each other now. Barely talking, I miss my best friend, he may have not gone anywhere, but his presence is definitely fading...

I just texted him, all I said was 'Hey.'
Nothing special. I'm hoping he answers back... but he usually never does, unless he's first to text me.
For a best friend, even if he is having his own life, doesn't it seem like he just doesn't care to make time for me? I mean by the time he finally notices that he hasn't talked to me in a long time, I've booked, I'm gone, and maybe one day he'll read this blog... I don't know if it's worth the talk anymore, it's all routine now and it's not as fun. When we were together and before that all, we would say anything, and I mean ANYTHING, we would have so much fun on the phone together, that was the only way we could spend time. Especially on the internet. I'm so far away, and now, I feel as though I'll never really get him back in my life as my Lover.
Is the distance really that worth breaking up for, leaving me

I guess I should move on, I mean, I'd actually regret my life wasting all my life waiting on him... though I do want to do it. I just can't wait to finally move, I'd love to be in his arms forever.

I suck at trying to get over such a miraculously silly boy.

"Always, all ways, I wanted us to be, always all ways you and me"

Going to go pack and plan with momma again.
I'm speaking with Azn Alex, I missed him so much for some reason, some strong reason. He's been able to make me happy. ^^ <3

Bye for now
Kitty<3

P.S.; Dylon is going through something, I'm hoping to be the one to make him feel better to be honest... <3

Always All ways

I actually wish you would take heed to this song and tell me that you feel the same as the lyrics do towards me. I love you, I miss you, and I guess I'm walking away...
If only you could sing this song to me, I'd run to you in a heart beat, why do you put yourself through this. I still want to be the only girl you say I love you too and the same girl you said that I'd one day be 'Kitty Riopelle' and have kids and grow old together. I'll come back for you when you want to go home, so we can go home together. I'll always love you. Forever and a million and ways Always, Dylon James Riopelle.

- Kitten.

I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry
but it always comes out wrong
I think a part of you still loves me
even though we're moving on
always, all ways I wanted us to be
always, all ways you and me

and I'll wait here on my own
and I'll wait for you to see
all the time I've spent alone now won't comfort me

always all ways

and I'm sorry for what happened
but I want you now to see
that I'm changing all my actions
I don't wanna set you free
always all ways, I wanna see it through
always all ways, me and you

and I'll wait here on my own
and I'll wait for you to see
all the time I've spent alone now won't comofrot me

cause I'm waiting for you
yeah I'm waiting for you
give me answers, get me through
I will wait

always all ways, I wanted us to be
always all ways, you and me

and I'll wait here on my own
and I'll wait for you to see
all the time I've spent alone now won't comfort me

cause I'm waiting for you
and I'll wait here for you
give me answers, get me through
I will wait
cause I'm waiting for you
yeah I'm waiting for you
give me answers, get me through
I will wait

always all ways

I'm ready to at least keep going...

Sure, I am still very madly, deeply, in love with Dylon. But after venting so much of my thoughts, I feel, lighter. I guess putting it all out on BG was a good idea. :)

I am going to be happy, and whatever Dylon wants to do, you know, I'm happy for him, as a best friend like I always was I'm going to kick his ass to get up and help him. He's so sketchy. I haven't talked to him at all today. I don't know, I miss him. But whatever, I gotta do what I gotta do to keep going and be happy right? Exactly.

But one day, hopefully, I do wish and hope that we will be together and continue our date from December 15, 2007, that date, will forever be special to me.

But on a brighter note, it is 1:22am, I'm talking to Amanda, she's a great girl :) She reintroduced me to Zombie Tower Defense 3! I'm being entertained and probably will be for a few hours...
Be right back...

http://funnyjunk.com/games/829/Zombie+Tower+Defense+3/

-hours later-

Anyway, I'm pretty straight, no more anti depressants. 3 more weeks and I'm off to Thailand. I'm packing and planning right now. Gotta know what to bring what goes where and so much more.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day, remember the veterans! Actually, tomorrow I'm going to the temple down in Miami. Just tradition tradition tradition... bleh. I believe I know what I'm wearing but I don't think anyone will be happy about it lol ;) My style is always crazy.

I've been drinking a lot of water lately, i mean like wowowowowowow. :P
That 'wow' looks awesome... I'm going to go decorate my wall in pictures and stickers and posters and drawings and just be random.

ciao, i'll post again later.

Johnny Durham

I've recently started watching JohnnyDurham19's videos again. I love Johnny, he's so attractive and handsome, I wish and hope that one day I would meet him... or possibly get a video from him. Talk to him by camera. That would be awesome. :)
He makes my day better, I wish I could take him everywhere with me haha.
Like many girls,I am a Johnnydurham19 fan. And like many, think he's the most amazing thing out there.
best since sliced bread! Even better! :P
Maybe I'll meet him when I go to the UK one day, he'd be a little old for me, but hey, at least we could party.

This is by far my FAVORITE VIDEO!
This is Johnny's 50 things that he's done in his life.
And, maybe one day I'll do video vlogging, one day, one day...

2:15am conversations...

Narcotik Defect (2:13:47 AM): whatever mood your in, if your crying or not,
you can always get ahold of me. it may not be a enter key away,
but it is a phone call away.
ill talk to you tomorrow, night.

Yes, Dylon, I was and am crying. But no you will not be talking to me tomorrow night...

Does he even get it? I love him so much, but he's so stupid, I want to smack him so hard, so hard, so very hard.
I can't talk to him, I don't want to but I can't stop. This is so stupid. I'm pathetic, what. the. fuck!

Narcotik Defect (2:17:18 AM): theres so many thoughts you dont even know i had.

Then what are they?
Can I know? What's the point in me living anymore... I don't think I'm even worth it at all. Why do I depend my life on him, why is it the choice that if he's gone so is my life. The only person who knows me well, so far away. Why do I have to be here, why can't I be in his arms right now, if I were we would still be together, I'm so confused.

I want to go to sleep, a deep sleep.
Why does he keep calling me Kitty, I hear him calling me 'Napelah' all the time in my head.
I miss it when he calls me Baby Girl, Princess, Angel, Kitten. I miss it all
Nostalgia hits again.

I want to get out of here. I need to get out of here.
He doesn't ever tell me he loves me anymore
yet he swears he loves me, what do I do, what do I do, what's his side of the story, this isn't fair to him, I'm saying too much, I need to shut up, I need to get out, I need to get out, I want to be oppressed, I can't take it. So much depression and no more anti depressants.

I sound like a stupid sad little so called 'emo kid' Truthfully, I don't give a fuck about this.

Right now, I just want to be with my Prince, my knight in black hoodie.
I could just drift away right now, but it isn't my wish....

He swears he doesn't want me to leave
Then why does he hurt me?
is he worth it?
Opinions aren't needed....

I want to be heartless. and see if he even cared possibly to be the one who had the key to my heart to put it all together and allow me to know what it's like to love, be confused, happy and sad all over again.
Would that be worth feeling then?

I want to marry this kid, I want to grow old and have kids together, I may sound like i'm moving too fast
i'm killing myself over this, but i am truly, madly, deeply in love with this kid, it's insane.

Father just put me to sleep now. for a couple years or so...

My mind hurts.

Forget Suicide, Remember Exile.

That's it, I've had it. I wasn't stupid, I knew from the beginning that he left me to be with another girl. I'm not stupid, no one told me. I know. I know it all. I don't care. I do but I don't. For 17 months I held it together, I tried to pull myself together, but it's every god damn time. He doesn't care, I honestly doubt he cares what I'm up to. Look at myself, I sound like any other girl saying this, but at least I had the proof to say that the guy they were talking about did or didn't! FUCKERS! Whose my proof? He never talked about me, I'm not even a quarter of half as amazing to any girl next to him. Fuck my life and fuck living. I won't die, I'll live with my pain till I decide to man the fuck up and live without him, 3 years from now it's sad that if I could ever run into him and find that I still haven't forgotten about him, still haven't gotten over him, still remember every detail that happened in our relationship and friendship.

I'm in so much pain, that idiot...

James is coming to get me, because he knows that I'll definitely contemplate some sort of accident.

So, I've come back to post and vent more retarded emotional crap. I'm sure anyone reading can relate, so they can't tell me to 'shut the fuck up and get over it'. I'll move on some time later okay? Whatever I do in life, I'll do it on my own, whatever I gotta do I'll do it.
I don't need to hear anyone saying; "Dude fuck that, you can forget it."
Actually, when I want to work things out, I'll get around it somehow.

So, I just got off the phone with Dylon about an hour ago, told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore, at least for now. Think he'll miss me? I personally, wouldn't know.

I still love him, until the day I can actually see him and see he can prove his apology i'll forgive him. I've had enough of the ridiculous shit.

All these things I hate revolve around me.

Remorse

It's Friday evening, and just a little bit ago I was in the arms of the lovely Nikki Marie. Her hug was so warm and tight, I loved it. Compared to mine, I feel as though I gave no effort. She's gone for the memorial weekend to go see Amber, and go house hunting, she's moving you know. Inside my heart breaks in to little pieces, shards, dropping, little by little, dust by dust. Because I don't want her to truly move, but... I somehow knew that at one point something like this between me and my true friends, we would have to part. Is it too soon? Is it alright to feel like this?

I love Nikki and Amber so much, since 2oo1 of the Summer, I've known them, through sooo much hell and back. So much damage, such strong bond. Blood thicker than water. They watched over me a lot. But now seems like i'm independent. I owe them a lot. I should say thank you, again. I'm wearing Amber's jacket. It still smells like her, not trying to sound like a creep or anything.

But I can still remember the fresh green apple and strawberry scent of her. And now, inhaling it all, my breath suddenly became my tears. I vent a lot of negativity and depression in what i write at the moment don't I? Well, I guess this is where my mind goes...

Another thing, I've never held regrets anymore, but lately, I'm starting to feel remorse. In... wishing I could have been better for my late Father, for my boyfriend, well, ex-boyfriend.
Silly me, boys aren't worth it, but It's been so long since I was in a progress of a relationship that went on for such a long time. My first was 2 years and 6 months, what would happen if we got back together? wow.

Me and Dylon aren't talking. He's always making his own time doing his own damn thing. I'm glad he's out and about having a life. Honestly I feel that I know he's lying to me, he probably already has another girl on his mind, he moves on so quick, he's so much stronger than I am. I'm proud of him.
But at the same time I don't know if i can forgive him.

Lately, I've listened to 'Face Down' - by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Besides the actual meaning of being in a physically abusive relationship hence to the video. I relate to it because my relationship with Dylon was just pure hell but heaven. We've shared so many laughs, so many secrets, so many stories... Where did the days go where we shared every second about our day every night before we went to sleep on the phone. Is he still in Love with me? Oh that stupid boy. I still have to see him this summer. When I see him, I hope to just jump in his arms, hoping that he'd kiss me, give me that real soft kiss with his sweet lips that i've been longing for, for 17 months i've waited, for 17 months i've sacrificed everything, for 17 months i end up in pain.
I should really stop bothering, begging and sounding more and more heartrending in to trying to get him back. I have no strength to let him go, I'm scared knowing that he's gone forever. I want to help him. Why must he do such stupid things. I love him so much. I want to say I've finally had enough but I'm just so weak to say it.

Remembering Sunday...
I remember, that song some time in January to February 2oo8, Dylon would send me these cute songs dedicated to just me and him. I miss it. I miss it all. I keep failing.

Why am I being so hard on myself?

I'M SUCH A HYPOCRITE!

I keep stabbing myself in the neck, I don't know how to relax. There's too much drama, I'm so stressed out, extremely, exhausted for the first time since the last. It's preposterous! Nostalgia hit me so quick, just like the intoxicant fumes of cancer sticks that fill my lungs every time I remember...
I remember, I remember, more good than bad.
But the good makes me cry, in the long run, thinking about the bad, makes it all worse...

I'm so lost again, confused, how long do I keep up with the pity smiles? Are they fake? No, I'm never that kind of person.

I got a 100 on my essay with the vocabulary words we had to use, my teacher was pleased with how my imagination is to make up such things, it has part with the first entry in the blog. I guess I should get into creative writing. Maybe... There's so many things I'd like to do, I want to do singing and dancing most.

I remember doing karaoke with my dad and his friends, singing and dancing we had so much fun, we had a great time. He always believed in me in my singing, he believed that I was strong enough to have a voice. Hmm, it's been about 4 years now since he's been dead. I wish I could have done so much more for him. To be a better daughter, If I stood by his side at the hospital while he was still sedated, I should have told him to hold on. I was a fool, I was stupid, I... I just sat there, shocked, so many tubes and wires, sounds of beeping and a pump going up and down. He was in pain... more than I and I couldn't do anything about it. The drinking and alcohol got the best of him. Now I'm not saying this is all my fault he's dead. I just believe if I gave him more hope, he would still be here today. He's a great man, but as time keeps going, I feel like i'm forgetting him. He was a great man I know that, but, just, something feels like it's gone. I miss my father so much. I wish he were here, maybe better for my mom rather than me. Was it bad for me to just stand there crying before the doctors had to cut him off because there was 'no hope left'? No, i was crying, all I said was 'I love you Daddy, come home...'
That's it, THAT'S FUCKING IT. I should have said more, I should have read my poems that I wrote, I should have sang him a song, told him how great I did in school, that I got an A on my spelling test back in 5th grade. The sunset seemed different that day. Everyone was at my house, everyone, why were they there.
Get out...

I should have broken that bottle upon that man's head, he kept telling me I was a slut, a whore, that I wasn't good enough to my father, that he deserved better than a shithead like me. That fucker only wanted to drink out of my fridge, I hate them all.

I'm so weak, what strength do I have right now, I'll recover but I've been hurt too long, I'm contemplating the wrong things, but I don't ever do them.
I want to be happy, I want to abolish.

I'm going to go play on my DS, my virtual dog will probably be the only comfort I have for now...
18 days left...

Friends Forever

The power puff girls remind me of my friendship with my true best friends, no, not anymore, not even considered my best friends, my sisters, Nikki and Amber, me being in the middle, since I'm the only one who wears bows. I love those 2 so much. Ever since Amber left, I've been heart broken, we had some trouble Summer 2008, it was the worst, and it was all thanks to her ex-boyfriend Cam. He's so idiotic, I wish to punch him in the face, for everything. My heart hurts thinking about the pain I went through with everything.

I've met these lovely girls in Summer 2001, it was strange, but amazing at the same time, I remember sometime after I went to Amber's 13th birthday party, I had so much fun, even though i didn't know anyone, I was so shy and scared. Her brother was sorta mean to me back then. He's bipolar today. Amber means so much to me, I can tell her everything so easily, but now, i just can't. I don't I mean. Today is May 22nd, it's her 17th Birthday.
Happy Birthday Amber Marie! I love you so much!

We haven't been talking lately, she never said happy birthday to me a couple days back, hmm, maybe she's busy. I'm not upset about it or anything.

I loved going out in the rain with her and swimming in thunder. And I loved sleeping over her house. She's an amazing girl, how could you forget her. Such gentle features, amazing eyes. I love that girl. I need her every day. It's my fault I'm distant, yet I make no improvement or any progress to change that. Same with Nikki, she's still around and she's right across the fucking street. I'm no friend to anyone, haha.

I should smack myself.

What good would that do?

Then maybe,
I should punch myself

You're doing it wrong again...

Maybe ramming me into a brick wall?

You suck, just shoot yourself.

So negative, tsk tsk, I should remember, "I feel good every day because I make myself feel good, no negativity around." But for some reason that sounds so hard. I absolutely have no idea why. Why indeed?

Abby is also my little sister, i love her so much, that stubborn little girl. it makes me cry that I put her through my own immaturity too. I love staying at her house, it's so calming and peaceful, and I love Dauntie, i don't know why but i'm always so happy eating her cooking and being around their dog Emily Starbucks. I hope Abby and her family does well, because I feel their going down... my prayers are always with them.

Hmmm... Where's Diyahna? She's been gone a while, I should probably make a call... but I feel like i'll start crying. I don't know why. Well, I hope she's safe for sure. Her graduation is coming up, I'm so proud of her...

Where is the zeal in my expression, I'm so blank most of the time. You know, I just sit there, especially in class since most of my time is in school, I just suddenly get a digital reaction and a bunch of pixels, and glowstick flashes and millions and millions of memories put on pictures run through my mind like memory in a computer, 1's and o's wildly rush by, and quotes, sayings, all in different voices, clashing together. Ugh, it's happening again, I'm getting a headache, pandemonium inside my head again...

I'm suddenly worried about Amber and Dylon, like.. a lot. What is going through their minds? I feel like i'm about to have a panic attack again. I don't want to lose them, I need them. I need them so much. I don't ever want them to leave. I seem to like crying a lot, it's all I ever do everytime I write more and more thoughts, I cry... I realize more things about myself and my world.

4:o1am
I'm still on the phone with Dylon, but I believe he's sleeping, he's so cute.
I love him so much, but now I can't say it.
But I guess a little note here wouldn't hurt.

"I love you Prince, [ kisses softly ]" ♥
I miss him when he calls me his baby angel, his princess, his everything.

I feel like I'm nothing.
Inside and out...

Alone in a crowded party

I haven’t been writing lately. I think the main reason for that is simply because I always end up crying. The more I write the more things I realize about myself. I dig too deep into my heart and try tearing out the things that have been secretly bruising it for months. I suppose that isn’t such a bad thing though. My written words turn into tears, and the bruising heals a little. I’m starting to accept that I need to stop pushing all of the painful thoughts away. Which is why I’m writing tonight. It’s the only way any of these thoughts are ever going to get out. If only I could write them all down within a few hours. Unfortunately, my mind is too wild with thoughts, including hidden one’s, to do that.

The term 'best friends' seems to break my heart more and more each time I talk to Dylon. I miss him so much but he's never left, you see, we've been in a long distance relationship for 17 months, I was going to see him this summer, but we broke up, and strangely enough, I'm still going...

I can't possibly blow it off now, my mom and her boyfriend don't know the slightest bit that we broke up. I don't know if i even want to face him... I love him so much. But lately i've been having anxiety attacks. Maybe I’m just under too much stress lately. I’m getting sick of them though. It’s horrible. I always feel like I don’t give a shit whether I’m breathing or not. Just let me gasp for air over and over again until I pass out, so I don’t have to think about it anymore.

I was laying on my bed yesterday night after receiving my birthday present of a Nintendo DS Lite playing Nintendogs. I was staring out at the dark abyss out of my window that night, and for some reason everything just seemed like it stopped. The kitties were sleeping soundly, no cars were driving by, the trees were slowly moving in the wind, and I was home all alone. I lied there motionless, knowing that at any moment it would be daylight and at then things would be more active, and life would just be as it always is. Lying there motionless for just those few minutes though, I realized I wasn’t paying attention to everything that has been around me. I’ve been completely ignoring everything.

I've come to realization that I'm so lost. The world has fucked me over again. I'm only 15, am I really, suppose to be like this. Ridiculous.

It's 2:54am and it's raining heavily. The rain is lovely. Did you know that on the day I was born it was storming to the point where the electricity was flickering, struggling to stay alive and turn off. When I was born, everything stopped, it was as if some pandemonium was going on and the curse was lifted ever since I was born. When me and my mommy and daddy walked out, there was a rainbow, and growing up i was always so bright and bubbly, i still am. But not as much, I'm putting myself in my own fear, being alone. You know how stupid that is?

This calls for a cup of tea, well, I'll be updating more things at this point so people know what's what for recent things, ciao.

It's pure stupidity for someone as me to have isolophobia and be terrified yet I put myself in it. Why do humans do things they don't want. Is it cause I'm a teenager? Oh don't tell me it's a phase.

The Uninvited Thirteenth

So, to reason as to why I haven't been doing well lately.
About last week Wednesday I believe May 13th, [My lucky number betrayed me...] It was a fine evening and I was speaking to my boyfriend Dylon, he's amazing I tell you, he means everything to me. But his words struck me when he said he wanted to 'break up'. I was against all this, especially since it was all right before our 17th month anniversary and since my birthday was a couple days ago, I'm just upset... I feel like he's missing, even though he hasn't gone anywhere, he's the first ex I've ever been able to be friends with, but still, I feel like he's gone. Like he doesn't need me. I hate how much I gave my heart to that kid, and I killed myself, I'm still so young, oh so very young.

I mean, hey, you know, I'm still trying to recover from the affliction this break up did to me emotionally, I had to go to the doctors and I am very unstable. Conserta helps some, the doctors are strangers so I say what i feel and i will never see them again, I hope... I've been so angry so depressed lately, it's ridiculous. I'm posting all of what I feel, think and should post all to keep up to date that's all. This is stupid, what am I doing...

I've been anti-social, on purpose. As much as having friends and a family who loves me, I love them all to death, but there ain't nothing that can save me now. I detest where I stand right now. I've realized I don't really write as much in my journals or diaries, because I cry so much, the more I write, the more I realize things about myself. Everyone I look up to is just as fucked up as I. God saves me the most all the time, I betray him all the time, he said he promised he'd never leave me, I believe but my actions and being is no worth his time. I'm so pathetic and desperate, how did I become one of this. I'm dying to be what I'm trying to be for him. Did I really, did I really just become one of those girls trying so hard to go through their way to be who they aren't try to reach that certain level of 'perfection' to someone else's eyes? I can't stop. I keep doing the wrong things to get where I should be for him to, what, notice me? isn't that... unattractive? he won't like me at all as much as he tells me he loves me now would he? No no, don't worry, I'm not harming myself, it's all normal stuff, good stuff actually, but, a goal to reach. Wow, I'm pathetic.

Insanity came to life.

Well, I've decided on blogging, and I guess this is where I'll be typing down my thoughts, sharing pictures and whatever more. Should I do the cliche thing and write who I am?

HMMM, maybe so.

Well, my name is Napelah, I usually go by Rainy or Kitty, and I just turned 15 May 20th 2009. At the moment my life is not going well at all. Nothing is going right. I've been very anti-social lately, with full intention to. there's pandemonium going on in my head. Hmm, so many thoughts, so many thoughts.

You know, what if the world isn't what it looks like as we see it in our eyes? What if the little dust particles were actually very tiny people that enter our systems that kills us slowly, that's why we get sick and die. They have little tiny swords and machine guns and shoot and stab us. As we complain "I feel like i'm being stabbed in my side". What if our hair and clothes that moved in the wind wasn't really wind? Why is it called 'wind' anyway? Another latin word? the wind doesn't blow hair, it moves on it's own when they are commanded to do so. maybe the clouds move because they are alive and traveling from place to place like us. maybe they have a mind and a purpose. What if when we're all asleep at night our pets stand on their hind legs and walk and talk like humans do, they just don't want us to know. The World, is a ball, this may be my imagination, or is it, is someone controlling me? No, no strings attached to me you see. Dear good Sir, this is all in my head, is it? Or maybe I'm just fucking insane...