The blood on our hands is the wine We offer as sacrifice

Wow, I am highly depressed like, fucked up and over wise. I don't know what I want or need. I can't find any heed to be content right now. I keep hearing the wrong things from people I thought at least cared about me. I haven't done any sort of thing wrong. I'm starting to not trust anyone anymore. At all, and that's really really bad. I guess people are feeling bad, whoever is reading is probably like, "oh poor thing she's sad", and then when I have a positive entry their possibly celebrating; "Yayyy!" Or they could be the stupid idiots who read and act like they don't give a fuck but keep reading because my words are just pathetic to them. Not so smart to read and learn about someone you don't even know or like now huh Anonymous?

So, today, when I was texting Dylon he seemed like he had an attitude with me, then again I can't truly tell over text, over voice or in person is much better to come to any conclusion that they have a problem or not. He told me he was writing in a blog, on Blogspot itself, he told me: "Good luck trying to find it". Excuse me? A username of your blog would be nice to know, but when I asked him, he never answered me...
After that, it was later in the night, when I got home, the first thing I did was go into my room and just cried. Cried Cried Cried. Like a child lost in a crowded cruel city unable, not enough care in their hearts or the world to acknowledge a child's cry for help, their parents.

Actually, about crying, I was crying in my 5th hour today, I found out my Team was splitting up, and dear god I can't believe how badly and easily I broke down. I honestly had the best school year of my life in Coral Springs Junior High, I had so much fun. Ms Marsala, Mrs Jent [ Spelling? Also aka Mrs Dollins ], Mrs Lambidis, Mrs Robb. Just wow, so much fun, my 7th grade was amazing as well. Everything was sweet. Hehe, I'm going to miss their sweet faces. I'm going to miss this school and everyone. It's all gone by so quick, I guess it's true when they say when you have so much fun, time just moves by so quick without you knowing... I'm still visiting the school when I'm working for my service hours, but... Change is good, like Mrs Lambidis said, she's such a crazy teacher. I love them all. If they were to ever find out about this blog and read this, I hope you never forget me even if I am out of a million students you will find and know every year... See you around. I love you all so much, and thank you for everything you could do to help me. Even if it was my work, it was your being to be there as a teacher and a friend. <3

Well, after all that, back to what I was saying, I'm in my room, I played my DS and played my frustration, anger and sadness all on Sonic Rush(tm) And wow, I sure beat so many levels. More better than when I'm calm... I cooked dinner for myself, chicken, rice, brocolli and eggs, I guess I do eat too much rice, blegh, Asianess. After a while I came online and myspaced for a while, I checked up on 2 shops about my payments that I paid for 2 different things, and that reminded me that when they sent back my letter of money, I have to resend it. I hope they aren't mad at me, I'll send it soon, I'm sorry...

I came to blogspot just a few ago and re-texted Dylon asking what his blog url/username was. He never answered, or still hasn't answered back yet. I found out on his facebook when I was looking at all my friends updates that he was at the mall with friends, one of them struck me hard and heavy when I saw the name Danielle. His new girlfriend I believe. I am indeed jealous and heartbroken. Every girl that even gets to remotely see him or seek a hug. I want to give up on him, I want to be angry. But I can't. What I hate about this most is that I've become one of the Silently anger filled, broken hearted people. And it's bringing out the absolute vile side of me.
I'm disgruntled about that fact. I can't believe how much hate I have in my heart right now to yell at anyone, tell them to go away, scream at them to Leave me the FUCK alone.

But I could never do that, being alone and having no support is my worst fear. Do I even make sense at all.

"I've got no room, you're in my face, Don't say anything, just go away."

I loved him, why is my entire heart depending all on him, I'm hurting so badly, I don't want to talk to him, but I want to keep him. I wish I had a better answer instead of being fucked up and over with this bullshit. Because, believe it or not, can he see at all, that I'm definitely fading and falling away from him slowly yet more and more each day...

Lately, I've been sick of seeing couples, but I have no mind to tell them to not do it in front of me, it's hard to even remotely try not to do so and I can't keep a couple from being together, and another thing is that would just make them go away, I wouldn't want that. But I guess I'd rather be away.

"I try to make it through my life,
in my way, there's you.
I try to make it through these lies, and that's all I do,
Just don't deny it, Don't try to fight this
And deal with it, and that's just part of it..."

Adam Gontier's voice speaks so heavenly to me, I guess I'm just indulging and intoxicating my mind with more and more negativity. I'm in Despair. I feel my immune system dying on me. I'm seriously getting sick. But I guess I don't want to be put out of my misery. I just want to be happy. Life is hard, and I guess all this pain and torture to my mind and emotions will only make me stronger. Or kill me.

**I will post pictures from today in the next entry.**