I feel sick

My anti depressants are gone. I feel absolutely shitty. I'm glad I could vent and rant absolutely everything in this blog, it's the only thing that I can speak my mind to and not get any shit for it. I've been complaining a lot in this blog, I act and talk like i have the absolute worst life more than anyone and the only thing lucky about me is being alive. Many people have had it worst. I'll... well, I don't know what to say here... yet.

Today was fine, and I let my friend Karen know about me and Dylon breaking up because a classmate asked if I had a boyfriend and Karen answered 'yes' and i explained it all to her, the pills, the therapy, the doctors, Dylon. All of it. She looked like she was about to cry.. I mean wow. Why would you feel my pain, I'm surviving aren't I? I can't contemplate very much, because this is the closest to feeling alive I'll ever get and I'm cherishing it.

I don't understand why I have my thoughts on cutting or smoking and drinking, such cliche thing that anyone does nowadays. I would never cut or burn myself for the reasons of the fact that it's a regret, such bitter bitter remorse, If I cut myself in place of Amber not being by my side, of Dylon not being my boyfriend anymore and leaving me for anyone or at all, that cut or burn will only be a rememberance, why I did it, i don't want to remember, i have to move on, fuck that shit. I've never done it and I hopefully never will. I'd have to be absolutely razed and lose absolutely everything and be in despair. I am alive, I am living, fuck the drama, so ostentatious, i'm sick of it.