The Uninvited Thirteenth

So, to reason as to why I haven't been doing well lately.
About last week Wednesday I believe May 13th, [My lucky number betrayed me...] It was a fine evening and I was speaking to my boyfriend Dylon, he's amazing I tell you, he means everything to me. But his words struck me when he said he wanted to 'break up'. I was against all this, especially since it was all right before our 17th month anniversary and since my birthday was a couple days ago, I'm just upset... I feel like he's missing, even though he hasn't gone anywhere, he's the first ex I've ever been able to be friends with, but still, I feel like he's gone. Like he doesn't need me. I hate how much I gave my heart to that kid, and I killed myself, I'm still so young, oh so very young.

I mean, hey, you know, I'm still trying to recover from the affliction this break up did to me emotionally, I had to go to the doctors and I am very unstable. Conserta helps some, the doctors are strangers so I say what i feel and i will never see them again, I hope... I've been so angry so depressed lately, it's ridiculous. I'm posting all of what I feel, think and should post all to keep up to date that's all. This is stupid, what am I doing...

I've been anti-social, on purpose. As much as having friends and a family who loves me, I love them all to death, but there ain't nothing that can save me now. I detest where I stand right now. I've realized I don't really write as much in my journals or diaries, because I cry so much, the more I write, the more I realize things about myself. Everyone I look up to is just as fucked up as I. God saves me the most all the time, I betray him all the time, he said he promised he'd never leave me, I believe but my actions and being is no worth his time. I'm so pathetic and desperate, how did I become one of this. I'm dying to be what I'm trying to be for him. Did I really, did I really just become one of those girls trying so hard to go through their way to be who they aren't try to reach that certain level of 'perfection' to someone else's eyes? I can't stop. I keep doing the wrong things to get where I should be for him to, what, notice me? isn't that... unattractive? he won't like me at all as much as he tells me he loves me now would he? No no, don't worry, I'm not harming myself, it's all normal stuff, good stuff actually, but, a goal to reach. Wow, I'm pathetic.