It's Friday evening, and just a little bit ago I was in the arms of the lovely Nikki Marie. Her hug was so warm and tight, I loved it. Compared to mine, I feel as though I gave no effort. She's gone for the memorial weekend to go see Amber, and go house hunting, she's moving you know. Inside my heart breaks in to little pieces, shards, dropping, little by little, dust by dust. Because I don't want her to truly move, but... I somehow knew that at one point something like this between me and my true friends, we would have to part. Is it too soon? Is it alright to feel like this?
I love Nikki and Amber so much, since 2oo1 of the Summer, I've known them, through sooo much hell and back. So much damage, such strong bond. Blood thicker than water. They watched over me a lot. But now seems like i'm independent. I owe them a lot. I should say thank you, again. I'm wearing Amber's jacket. It still smells like her, not trying to sound like a creep or anything.
But I can still remember the fresh green apple and strawberry scent of her. And now, inhaling it all, my breath suddenly became my tears. I vent a lot of negativity and depression in what i write at the moment don't I? Well, I guess this is where my mind goes...
Another thing, I've never held regrets anymore, but lately, I'm starting to feel remorse. In... wishing I could have been better for my late Father, for my boyfriend, well, ex-boyfriend.
Silly me, boys aren't worth it, but It's been so long since I was in a progress of a relationship that went on for such a long time. My first was 2 years and 6 months, what would happen if we got back together? wow.
Me and Dylon aren't talking. He's always making his own time doing his own damn thing. I'm glad he's out and about having a life. Honestly I feel that I know he's lying to me, he probably already has another girl on his mind, he moves on so quick, he's so much stronger than I am. I'm proud of him.
But at the same time I don't know if i can forgive him.
Lately, I've listened to 'Face Down' - by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Besides the actual meaning of being in a physically abusive relationship hence to the video. I relate to it because my relationship with Dylon was just pure hell but heaven. We've shared so many laughs, so many secrets, so many stories... Where did the days go where we shared every second about our day every night before we went to sleep on the phone. Is he still in Love with me? Oh that stupid boy. I still have to see him this summer. When I see him, I hope to just jump in his arms, hoping that he'd kiss me, give me that real soft kiss with his sweet lips that i've been longing for, for 17 months i've waited, for 17 months i've sacrificed everything, for 17 months i end up in pain.
I should really stop bothering, begging and sounding more and more heartrending in to trying to get him back. I have no strength to let him go, I'm scared knowing that he's gone forever. I want to help him. Why must he do such stupid things. I love him so much. I want to say I've finally had enough but I'm just so weak to say it.
Remembering Sunday...
I remember, that song some time in January to February 2oo8, Dylon would send me these cute songs dedicated to just me and him. I miss it. I miss it all. I keep failing.
Why am I being so hard on myself?
I remember, I remember, more good than bad.
But the good makes me cry, in the long run, thinking about the bad, makes it all worse...
I'm so lost again, confused, how long do I keep up with the pity smiles? Are they fake? No, I'm never that kind of person.
I got a 100 on my essay with the vocabulary words we had to use, my teacher was pleased with how my imagination is to make up such things, it has part with the first entry in the blog. I guess I should get into creative writing. Maybe... There's so many things I'd like to do, I want to do singing and dancing most.
I remember doing karaoke with my dad and his friends, singing and dancing we had so much fun, we had a great time. He always believed in me in my singing, he believed that I was strong enough to have a voice. Hmm, it's been about 4 years now since he's been dead. I wish I could have done so much more for him. To be a better daughter, If I stood by his side at the hospital while he was still sedated, I should have told him to hold on. I was a fool, I was stupid, I... I just sat there, shocked, so many tubes and wires, sounds of beeping and a pump going up and down. He was in pain... more than I and I couldn't do anything about it. The drinking and alcohol got the best of him. Now I'm not saying this is all my fault he's dead. I just believe if I gave him more hope, he would still be here today. He's a great man, but as time keeps going, I feel like i'm forgetting him. He was a great man I know that, but, just, something feels like it's gone. I miss my father so much. I wish he were here, maybe better for my mom rather than me. Was it bad for me to just stand there crying before the doctors had to cut him off because there was 'no hope left'? No, i was crying, all I said was 'I love you Daddy, come home...'
That's it, THAT'S FUCKING IT. I should have said more, I should have read my poems that I wrote, I should have sang him a song, told him how great I did in school, that I got an A on my spelling test back in 5th grade. The sunset seemed different that day. Everyone was at my house, everyone, why were they there.
Get out...
I should have broken that bottle upon that man's head, he kept telling me I was a slut, a whore, that I wasn't good enough to my father, that he deserved better than a shithead like me. That fucker only wanted to drink out of my fridge, I hate them all.
I'm so weak, what strength do I have right now, I'll recover but I've been hurt too long, I'm contemplating the wrong things, but I don't ever do them.
I want to be happy, I want to abolish.
I'm going to go play on my DS, my virtual dog will probably be the only comfort I have for now...
18 days left...
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