Wow

I stand corrected, he did call, a couple hours ago actually. but we were only on the phone for about 6 minutes, he 'had to go'. Whatever or wherever he's up to. I'm beginning to regret ever going out with him. I wish he could just open up to me, I want to know what's on his mind. I want to know what he wants and/or needs.

I'm falling really quick away from him now. And I seriously absolutely don't know what I'm doing, I'm just going to the point where I'm actually literally abusing myself physically. just bruises, because bruises go away, I can't see the scar of my bruises or anything. It'll never come back.

My wrist hurts every time I move it though, I woke up one morning with a spot of blood on my bed and a couple scratches, I don't know what I did that night. It's not intentionally with my nails or a knife or razor or whatever. Like I scraped it against something, but whatever it is, for something so small, it hurts.

Just now, I broke a glass bottle of alcohol. It was a mini vodka bottle. The wisps of splashes of vodka hit my face like I just got splashed with water when I wash my face. The taste was warm and yet it tasted sweet. Vodka for me never really tasted sweet, just really strong. I guess it was stupid to break that bottle. But I had to get some sort of thing out. I'm sick, I just wanna let go, and be free. I feel like a little kid again, weak and with no direction. I want comfort, I miss the days where I ran around in the rain and hurt myself from falling or something and I would go to Amber and as the big sister that she is she would hug me, laugh at me and tell me it's going to be okay.

I don't understand why I don't tell people or even those close to me things like this that I type now. Am I wishing for someone to read this? I mean, it's just too strange, I don't know how I could ever imagine or expect anyone to read so many things. Well, if anyone did, I'd like to see it.