Alone in a crowded party

I haven’t been writing lately. I think the main reason for that is simply because I always end up crying. The more I write the more things I realize about myself. I dig too deep into my heart and try tearing out the things that have been secretly bruising it for months. I suppose that isn’t such a bad thing though. My written words turn into tears, and the bruising heals a little. I’m starting to accept that I need to stop pushing all of the painful thoughts away. Which is why I’m writing tonight. It’s the only way any of these thoughts are ever going to get out. If only I could write them all down within a few hours. Unfortunately, my mind is too wild with thoughts, including hidden one’s, to do that.

The term 'best friends' seems to break my heart more and more each time I talk to Dylon. I miss him so much but he's never left, you see, we've been in a long distance relationship for 17 months, I was going to see him this summer, but we broke up, and strangely enough, I'm still going...

I can't possibly blow it off now, my mom and her boyfriend don't know the slightest bit that we broke up. I don't know if i even want to face him... I love him so much. But lately i've been having anxiety attacks. Maybe I’m just under too much stress lately. I’m getting sick of them though. It’s horrible. I always feel like I don’t give a shit whether I’m breathing or not. Just let me gasp for air over and over again until I pass out, so I don’t have to think about it anymore.

I was laying on my bed yesterday night after receiving my birthday present of a Nintendo DS Lite playing Nintendogs. I was staring out at the dark abyss out of my window that night, and for some reason everything just seemed like it stopped. The kitties were sleeping soundly, no cars were driving by, the trees were slowly moving in the wind, and I was home all alone. I lied there motionless, knowing that at any moment it would be daylight and at then things would be more active, and life would just be as it always is. Lying there motionless for just those few minutes though, I realized I wasn’t paying attention to everything that has been around me. I’ve been completely ignoring everything.

I've come to realization that I'm so lost. The world has fucked me over again. I'm only 15, am I really, suppose to be like this. Ridiculous.

It's 2:54am and it's raining heavily. The rain is lovely. Did you know that on the day I was born it was storming to the point where the electricity was flickering, struggling to stay alive and turn off. When I was born, everything stopped, it was as if some pandemonium was going on and the curse was lifted ever since I was born. When me and my mommy and daddy walked out, there was a rainbow, and growing up i was always so bright and bubbly, i still am. But not as much, I'm putting myself in my own fear, being alone. You know how stupid that is?

This calls for a cup of tea, well, I'll be updating more things at this point so people know what's what for recent things, ciao.

It's pure stupidity for someone as me to have isolophobia and be terrified yet I put myself in it. Why do humans do things they don't want. Is it cause I'm a teenager? Oh don't tell me it's a phase.