Why am I considered wrong

Why is so many people suddenly ignoring me...
I'm confused.

i don't know what i want or need anymore
i'm so sick of myself.

i didn't want or need any of this. What am I going to do. Why am I so weak. Intimidated. Am I back in the past.

I don't know what I'm going to do
I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this
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I can't take this
I can't take this
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I can't take this
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I can't take this
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I can't take this
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I can't take this
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I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this
I can't take this

And the only one who can help me is myself...

cherishable memories

I'm glad we met
I'm glad I fell in love with you
I'm glad you made me happy
I'm glad you made me cry
I'm glad you made me angry
I'm glad you made me feel so close to dying
I'm glad you wanted me back
I'm glad you made me feel so alive
I'm glad you put up with me
I'm glad to know you saw me perfect in your eyes
I'm glad we made it to a year and almost nearly a half
I'm glad you listened to me when I needed it
I'm glad you taught me things about Life
I'm glad you shared your life with me
I'm glad I'm a part of your life
I'm glad you influenced me for the wrong and then the better
I'm sort of okay with the fact you broke up with me
I'm glad we met for the first time face to face, falling into your arms in the way i felt then never felt so right...
I'm very glad we met
I'm glad we made memories
I'm glad we shared something very wonderful
I'm glad I got to kiss you and hold you like I've always wanted to
I'm glad you made new friends here
I'm glad to know you're just as silly as me in person
I'm glad to see you in person, it's just better
I'm glad we fought
I'm glad knowing you hopefully have my back
I'm glad you made my life complete, you hold a special place in my heart no one will ever replace
I'm glad you showed me your true feelings
You have no idea how extremely happy I felt to know you cried for me
I'm glad to know you Love me and still do
I'm glad we're still best friends, no matter how much fucked up the shit we get into can be
I'm only happy if you're happy
This was all nothing less of cherished memories

I cherish all the memories, good and bad that we had together. You mean so much to me. You're the greatest of a true best friend I could ever ask for. I, we, no one can determine the future. But no matter what I still want you in it through out the years. No one could level to what we had. But I'm moving on. Let's not get mad or move to any rash situations. Just be happy with whatever you want to do. No matter what I will ALWAYS be there for you. I'm a phone call away... you know my number. I may not be able to contact you the same, but hey, At least I know you're still my Guardian Angel. A Fallen Angel with gifted wings I will forever protect. I'm not in Love with anyone, yet that is..., don't think anything. I'm just saying that I'm moving on. Thanks for the past 2 years, and I hope to spend more days together. Tell me how you're feeling, tell me what's wrong, tell me your vents and rants, I'm always going to listen to you and I will always face you no matter how horrible you think you can be. You won't leave me right? I trust you. I trust you with my life. I won't fail pathetically at my knees in front of you anymore. Thank you for always being there for me, somewhere somehow. So far away. But forever in my heart. I'm not going anywhere silly. I just want you to know I will always care about you. By the way, my fear of losing my memory... Promise me you'll help me get it back somehow? You know everything of me as it is i'm telling you that now. You're the key to my memory and I want you to keep them with you. I love you.

You know who you are.
Talk to you later Knight in White hoodie.

Amber says sorry.

Captain-Obvious says (2:04 PM):
hey you

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (5:50 PM):
Hello

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (5:54 PM):
Or not.

Captain-Obvious says (5:55 PM):
I'm here just don't know what to say
wanted to fix things, but idk where to begin
I guess just really wanted to say i miss you

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (5:55 PM):
I only followed your words.
Which is why I haven't spoken to you.

Captain-Obvious says (5:55 PM):
and juan and nikki and james, but nikki has made it clear that everyone is under the impression that I said I didn't wanna be friends with y'all and I was done with everyone

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (5:56 PM):
You told me yourself

Captain-Obvious says (5:56 PM):
my words were to not talk about me

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (5:56 PM):
"I don't want you talking about me, and I don't want you talking to me"

Captain-Obvious says (5:56 PM):
I was drunk the night I called and left the message.
I'm sorry

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (5:56 PM):
and you hung up

Captain-Obvious says (5:56 PM):
I know I'm sorry

Captain-Obvious says (5:57 PM):
I didn't mean it, I was just angry because people had been saying a lot of shit about me at home and here. And even though all you and nikki said was that I had my period for more than 2 days, it still made me upset cause it just added on. But I really only had my period for a day or two and that's it and that's why I got mad cause I feel like you all don't know anything about me. But then again
I don't know much about you or her any more
so yeah
that's the reasoning
and it doesn't make it right
but I'm sorry

Captain-Obvious says (5:58 PM):
and as far as not being friends goes, I said once that I'd always be your friend until I die and that's true

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (5:58 PM):
I knew nothing about your period being only two days
I only emphasized that you seemed pretty heavy
so i guessed more than two, maybe at least three days

Captain-Obvious says (5:58 PM):
I don't want to be known as the bitch in Georgia, between people that I one loved more than life
Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (5:58 PM):
never did i talk shit i was just trying to figure out what was going on, because there was things that i didn't know was going on about you.

Captain-Obvious says (5:59 PM):
I know and by the way I went to the doctors for it
and it turned out that I wasn't producing eggs right so that's why it took so long to bleed
but I mean I can let go of florida and forget about it, but I don't wanna forget about you 4

Captain-Obvious says (6:00 PM):
I keep getting drunk and saying shit I don't mean, so I'm sorry. Just forgive me for being that way. and hopefully you still see me as a friend cause even if you don't like me or whatever I'm still here for you as long as I can be

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (6:01 PM):
I never felt any sort of anger or guilt
Honestly it was the first time in all of my years that i wasn't affected by what you said to me, i didn't cry or panic or fall into strong depression

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (6:02 PM):
I told myself that as long as your happy, i don't mind being not friends

Captain-Obvious says (6:02 PM):
well we are still friends.

Captain-Obvious says (6:03 PM):
I've come to terms that things can't be the same, ever cause life is always changing, shit happens, but no matter how much I change I got your back. I promise that seriously. You could call me up in 20 years and be in a tight spot and I'd be there
I've changed so much even in the few months since we last saw each other

Kittayyy.|‹3|: Take this picture Like a Scripture & wear it around your neck says (6:03 PM):
so i've seen.

Captain-Obvious says (6:04 PM):
but I'm still here and you can pass that on to anyone who thinks I don't care or that I dont' wanna be friends. I'm not like that. I was drinking and being stupid. I care more than you think, more than they think. So yeah.

Captain-Obvious says (6:05 PM):
that's all I have to say for right now. I'm going out again. Not to drink!! Just to get some space to smoke and shit. Once again I'm sorry, I'll tell them I'm sorry but if you see any of them (juan, nikki or james) tell them this so they know I'm not who they think I am at the moment and I haven't let the relationships go.

I don't wanna go another day...

So i'm telling you exactly what is on my mind.

- - - xo

So, I made a new friend, his name is Matthias. He's a cool dude. He made me a poem, as posted last entry, it was sweet. But there's nothing to us. We just met, we haven't spoken that much to determine either of us liking each other, so stop getting ideas D:< RADARADA.

Dylon actually sort of got worked up over us a bit. Cause I got sort of dippy happy with Matt. He found me hypocritical because I get so worked up of him being friends with a girl. But he apologized after I told him that Matt was only being sweet. Besides I liked the fact that he made a poem for me, no one ever has before....

I wonder if our friendship is just falling out of our hands lately. We've been arguing and bickering here and there, mostly because of me. I mean, he's my best friend now. Yeah I love him, but to be honest, we're young, I'm still young, I'm not going to kill myself over this. If me and Dylon get together in the future good for us, really that be great. But right now being best friends is the greatest thing. Someone who I can go to for anything, understands me, vice versa.

Here's a what if though: What if me and Matthias got together? Hmm... o.o If we did would Dylon be mad? What would happen to our friendship? :/ I don't know. Like I said, me and Matt are friends, nothing going on between us, plus we just met you know bloggy? Yes I just called you Bloggy, oh lawd. If anything progressed more between me and Matthias. Then well... I don't know, I just hope Dylon doesn't abandon me. :/ He's the only true best friend I've got. He's always been there for me, and he told me he loves me, and I'll never forget that. true best friends for life. He's my Guardian Angel, I'm always going to break anyone's neck that tries to take his wings.

I'm always going to remember all the memories me and Dylon had. NEVER assume or get me wrong. Dylon means a whole fucking lot to me.

Whatever happens, I'll take charge. I'm not going to be a failure no longer.

Raindrops [Dedicated to me]

By Matthias Smith

Looking outside, watching the silent rain flow
Sliding down the window like tears
Washing away all my fears
Hitting the warm black tar with a sizzle
Hovering over the earth in a light drizzle
Like an angel guarding love
Pure and gentle as a dove
And even if it should begin to pour
Being with you would make my heart soar
I'd look at the torrential rain
And wish I could wash away your pain
Like the water flowing down the drain
Never to be seen again
I wish you could understand my feelings
As you set my mind and soul reeling
Every movement every stride
Fills me with a silent pride
Knowing you love me, knowing you're mine
Knowing one day, you'll be my bride

Read between the lines

Just let me go for now, I'll be just fine.

The other night, me and Dylon had a talk. I told him about how overly jealous I get with girls. Just being around him makes me sort of upset. But I guess I should stop. We're NOT together. I repeat, NOT TOGETHERRRRRRR.

So what's the big deal?
It's over and done with I have to get over it. I love him, I always will but he's going to be with other girls. And when ever I see him again... I don't know. I feel weird thinking about seeing him again. It's alright, we're just friends, and that's all we'll ever be for the time speaking. Should I smile cause we're friends or cry cause that's all we'll ever be. I always fear the next girl being any or so much better than I could ever be.

Just for bitch status: I'm better than any other fuckin' bitch he'll ever be with.
He can do whatever he wants, because when my time comes
I'm still gonna be out on top first.

Fuck I'm single, I got shit to do.

All I ever wanted was you.

If you thought I'd leave then you were wrong, Cause I won't stop holding on.

I'm a constant pessimist, and the reason for that is that when I think negatively, the better just happens to come out. It's like saying' Shit I know I'm gonna fail that test, and I come out having a B or a C+. Dece moves.

He DARED me didn't he?
I don't think I can live without you
and if i can well i'm not about to


I'm hoping for the best for me and you, I'll make you the happiest of men, i mean it...
Oh shit, was the optimism?

This is an Emergency

Are you listening?

Well, I've made the choice myself. Am I upset about it, yeah I am. I told Dylon I didn't want to keep constantly hooking up with him, and rather just be best friends because this is all hurting me. And honestly, I don't think he'll ever need me. He hasn't talked to me. Besides a new picture comment from him. I feel like I just cut off all connections with him. I feel like I'm not his at all anymore, his nothing.

Why be upset if I made the choice right? Well doing things for the better IS better for him than it is me, and hopefully it will be better I guess.

I've got other things to work on, I'm making plans to move to Massachusetts soon. And everything will be okay, I tell myself everything will be okay, just throw everything out and everything will be okay...

Can anyone tell me that everything will be okay?

"Nice going Angel..."

"hello?"
"Hey Angel"
"excuse me? I think you have the wrong person..."
"No, No, I've got the right girl, you don't remember me do you?"
"How can I remember, you blocked your number and you aren't telling- - "
"Telling people I fucking died huh? Nice going Angel"
"what...?"
"Remember I loved you. I never believed it when I heard your name around these parts, so I got a hold from a friend to call you, but I heard you told him I'm dead, I guess I don't mean anything to you huh?"
"I don't understand... dead? Are you... who I think you are?"
"You bet darling, this will be the last for a while, I love you."
...

...He's alive? I'm scared... he's ... alive? Is it who I think it is? What was his name... What am I going to do. This was the phone call I got. And I think it's him. I think it's him... my feelings are mixed, a sense of joy and compassion yet, guilt and fear. What is going on?

Wow.

take this scripture like a picture and wear it around your neck

I can't determine happiness right now. I just have the need to be angry or depressed when no one's around so I can have my time to vent and rant to myself and all around the house about how much pain and heartache I went through these past few years.

Have you ever had a time where you wish you could have taken a different approach to things and just do that instead of what you did before, or now with whatevers going on? Well I always let things hit me, I always had problems happen. And strangely enough...

The time where Amber would say she wanted to kill me because I didn't deserve Erik, telling me I was naive and prayed to God I would drop dead. I wish I could have punched her, or at least this is all how I feel. Because I truthfully wouldn't go up to her, her seeing my face is of no importance to anything. But at the time, Erik was MY boyfriend, he was my fuckass of a messed up piece of shit boyfriend. Yeah he cheated on me, he flirted with other girls, he DID, he even did it with Amber... and even though Erik went back and forth with the both of us. I wanted to punch Amber, tell her 'He's fucking mine, back off!' and just run back into the arms of the person who hurt me the most at the time. But when I was younger I was always hurt, and I looked up to Amber SO much that time... I was jealous of her being pretty, it was no wonder Erik liked her too, she was intelligent, gorgeous, funny, everything. And purposely I wanted all she had. Body and mind and all. And to be looked down upon and wished by someone who used to be my best friend want my head banged against a wall, broken and smashed. Me and Amber always had it going for us... nothing worse got in our way but made it stronger. But now, i think it's just over. whether she wants to apologize or not or make up or SOMETHING. I just wouldn't be the same. Then again, when have I ever been the same these past couple years?

Every relationship I was with. Why did I always let the guy just hurt me, I could have taken the different approach and tell them off and leave. In every relationship NO GUY wanted to commit to me. Not even to just a relationship when it didn't even have to be serious yet. There was always another girl.. always. Always one to cheat on me with, tell me; 'I've been meaning to tell you this... but I've been having my eyes on this girl for a while, I'm sorry.'
...Why?

Or even after making up and allowing that hurt to just stay in because in a sense after crying or being upset i took that all in, ALL of it. And I would be able to hold that person in my arms and protect them from everyone else being angry, hold them in from the stress at work or pain of hardships with friends.... I helped and protected them like the 'Angel' they all called me to be.

I wish someone would tell me why am I not worth it? Does EVERY guy have to do it. It's all the same and sad but honest truth, Dylon's the same... he promised me he wouldn't hurt me, he wouldn't be anything like the rest, but it's only worse.

And yeah I wish I could just smack him and curse him out and leave, I can but I'm not going to attempt to. Because that's just how I feel NOW, I don't want to do it. So what if Dylon likes another girl now or at all? Shit, he told me first all the things every fucking girl wanted to hear from a guy. I came first, and Sammi put it all in the right words...

if theres another girl she isnt as important as you

she hasnt left her mark

and things said twice are only repeats

if he said it to you first, your the one it was ment to be said to

dont worry kitty, if you find another girl in the picture, then its like a polariod photo, it will fade soon. you and dylon are like kodak moment :') - Sammi Jacquelene Neon Genova

Sammi made me feel so much better when she told me that. She's right. Dylon did say it all to me first and it was all meant for me, and if they're repeated to the next girl then she knows nothing. Dylon will never find another girl like me, he's going to find a pretty girl and it's not gonna be anymore than amazing than us. Heh, that is if he completely gets over me then EVERYTHING would be amazing for him. As for me I'd have that quiet anger for the longest time. Punching walls and breaking empty alcohol bottles that my sister kept for collection.

For once, I want to have a guy look at me after all the time that's passed, think 'Damn the time that goes and how long have we known each other since then?' and just look at me... look at how much I've changed, am i smiling, probably, am i having fun, possibly, am i by myself, most likely... and the last thing he'll say is "Baby you've outdone yourself..."

I bet no guy realized how much it hurt to lose me, but I feel like with all their intentions, they shouldn't hurt, they did it, they did it to ME. Why want me back, why try to make things better. I've only got one guy that I give all of my attention to. Our friendship is complicated as well of the fact that we hook up a lot. I don't know how much longer we're going to last, and he's the only one who gets me better than anyone else. He's got a weird way of showing he cares, but I guess this is just how it's going to be. I love him, he's a nutcase, he's sometimes a bit strange, and I care about him more than anyone else ever could. I'm just that girl in Florida everyone rants about 'Oh it's just that whore of a girl Dylon likes cause she takes pictures of her tits hanging out'.

At times I wish Dylon would post it out there that 'This is my best friend, she's...' etcetera. I guess it's pathetic but I wish I could see a picture of me on his profile with a description or hear that he talks about me, in a good way of course. I guess I just want to have that sort of assurance that I'm important to him. But I should know he cares about me

If he didn't care about me, he wouldn't speak to me, right? He wouldn't feel bad for me or anything. If he wanted to leave me, he'll just get a speech of how amazingly depressed I am and feel like suicide. And then it's all over.

It's all a phase, to you anyway, I'll get over it, right?

A night in the field

We made our promises in the field where we laughed and played together. A boy and a girl talking about paradise and how life wouldn't be right without each other. We laid on a blanket and counted the stars, trying to reach for them and fell asleep upon the moon and the stars. We'll wake up to those lazy morning kisses and cute arguments that lead us to agree to disagree

You were right, I was wrong all along. Tonight i hope the stars burned down in the night
Tonight we're still young so lets lay in the field and try to touch the stars and let's try to figure out who we are.

Our teenage heart on that makes us runaway from home, Sweetie let's hold hands and head downtown. Where we'll blend into the crowds, and be lost within ourselves, Without the mess and the purposes, And the adults telling us what to do, Let's dance just me and you. Let's set about heading to our own paradise.

So what do you say Darling? Doesn't that sound like a plan. We'll chill at the ice cream store, while i'm holding your hand and you're holding the door, we'll be like the kids that we are. While sharing something sweet you gave me the sweetest thing, a smile that makes my heart drop while we talk. In my only words the only way I can express, In the hope that these notes and the words that I sing make you see, you mean more than the world does to me

Our teenage heart on, we're just kids but we'll laugh along because they'll never understand us, The adults always like to create a big fuss over us being naive and childish, but let's leave it at that, let's laugh along... (S0) Sweetie let's hold hands and head downtown. Where we'll blend into the crowds, and be lost within ourselves, Without the mess and the purposes, and the Adults telling us what to do, let's dance just me and you, let's set about heading to our own paradise....

Autumn is near, we'll make our own memories, the weather is changing the seasons are ever-changing, But even if it's Spring, Summer, Fall or Winter, the sunset will still be the same where we laid in the field counting the stars those dreamy nights... Everything feels so right, When we're together, we can forget about the world, and let everyone see it's just a better love story of a boy and a girl.

So let's hold hands and head downtown, Where we'll blend into the crowd and be lost within ourselves, without the mess and the purposes, and the adults telling us what to do, let's dance, just me and you, let's set about heading to our own paradise.

I kind of got the feeling that it's over but now I know I'm going...

Crazy

I'm curious, what's it like to be on salvia, acid, ecstacy or even anything really. I'm just asking. I don't know if I'm going to do it, Don't even know if I will.

I'm not sure, I just don't trust Dylon... and we kept getting into big arguments all this time. Honestly I still feel that he and this Emily girl are gonna kick it off. and Honestly, after a rant, and a couple things that need to be said here and there. I'm done with him...
Harsh to say for my best friend and the one guy I'm absolutely crazy in love with.
I've had it. I've had it with him leaving me for other girls, he'll never have a relationship like us EVER again.

He can't commit to me, and that's just fine, I'm not worth it anyway I guess right? My mind is a bit split right now. On a half note I could just take his hand away from everything and make just the two of us happy, on the negative note, I could just punch him and say every hurtful word that i hoped pierced through his heart, and just die. But that's how I feel, A lot of people say they wanna die, but never do it.

I don't think this is going anywhere good...

Maybe I should give up on me and Dylon, I seriously feel no reassurance that he loves only me and that he wouldn't ever leave me. I'm horrible for not thinking anyway around this. But I also am very mad that it was all a lie before too. I'm always basing this on the past... I hate the past now. I don't miss very much of it.

So speaking of 'wearing hearts on my sleeve'. I like to lose mine in the washer.
I can't sleep. I honestly took 2 sleeping pills and 1 advil. Let's hope I don't go back to my roots with overdosing in stupidity right?

If anyone cares just leave me alone and let me have my stupidity for one night
I know I'm stupid
no ones going to take the bottles from me, I honestly have no good reason to really abuse myself

but I guess fighting with Dylon, losing Abby, and no longer being friends with Amber and being worried about Sammi and neglecting Sammi - all equaled up to a long deserved punishment to what i believe is all my fault.

I'm going to go pretend the dalmation is Dylon and just lay there since I can't sleep
and I'm going to pretend I'm sleeping over with Lindsey...

Cause that''s just so real right?

It just gets worse and worse...

I'm basically just waiting for him to tell me it's gonna be completely over between us.
Just wow, I'm paranoid as fuck, I should just leave Dylon alone.

I never realized how really stupid and annoying i am when i get like this.
I don't even think there's a point in him seeing me anymore.

I zoned out so much today, just being in my trance and getting vexed at anything or anyone who broke me out of it. But even in the trance I wonder if I even had any thoughts to think about or not. Ahh, screw this.

I'm so confused what am I going to believe, he ironically has 'emily' from FFTL on his profile.
What the fuck is the point
but hey,

Remember Kitty, you're not his girlfriend, not now anyway, or ever, who really knows. Let him do his thing. and like everyone else, it'll hurt him more than me if he loses me.

because i may have lost myself to insanity
but i will always have me

A poemmm

It's all I have to give so please accept...
For what I did, you done to me a heart tainted, affected
me, to be, what you wanna see
To me, you were, everything to me, to me, to me
To me, you were everything to me oh Sweetie
Don't mind the clutter
I know oh my goodness I'm a fucking mess
Don't think about me, what's to wonder
I'm a mess, I'm a little bit reckless.

I guess we can drop the Sunday Mornings
Of how we used to wake up with kisses
Cuddle, and lace fingers like ribbons in corsets
Everything was so worthless, you didn't deserve this
Sorry Honey, I'm not perfect
Sorry, don't mind the clutter
I'm just a fucking organized mess
Just throw me back in bed
and I'll fall back to sleep to wake up to another eternity
without you.

Because I wouldn't be needed

What did I do What did I do?

Seriously, I wish I could just fall into a coma for weeks.

see who makes their way to stay at my bedside
and see if I wake up or not.

But this is just me thinking negatively
I've been emotionally unstable. I keep paying attention to nothing, enjoying my zoned out trance and when that trance breaks I get vexed and I'm trying to think if i even had any thoughts or not.

I hurt Dylon
I feel like everyone's mad at me
I think everything's hit me now
And my heart hurts so bad...

I was running in circles, I hurt myself just to find my purpose

I wish I didn't see what I saw. I get so jealous of girls easily and I never trust any girl with Dylon. How this all happened was me posting a simple comment on his page. But it said something about error, and so I tried posting it again. And it said error, then when I went to go check and see if my comment posted I see some things written by this Emily girl.

things about being needed closer...


I feel as though I'm not the only girl in his arms, and I'm not what he needs
I'm a horrible person getting horribly jealous.
I feel like there's nothing for me here.

And I feel something bad is going to happen...

He's here.

He's in Tampa right now, which is about 3 hours away from where I am right now. But we can't figure out how and when he's going to be able to see me till Monday...
We'll see how that goes, hopefully I get to see him. He doesn't sound too happy being where he is right now. I feel all strange, like my strings are being pulled, not like a puppet, I mean I feel as though I'm being drawn to something, maybe it's because he's so close by, I just want to keep running and running and jump into his arms, because I feel so connected right now.

A couple more days.

Dylon is coming down the 19th I believe. I'm excited but anxiously nervous at the same time. Not knowing at all if he's going to be able to come see me, it's only about 4-5 hours, I'm starting to believe his aunt lives in Ocala I think...

I hope I get to see him, I want to be in his arms, I miss him so much. I can't wait wait wait.

Me and Amber still aren't talking, I'm not gonna try, she isn't either, I don't mind, I seriously don't.
I'm not saying I don't care at all, I'm just not going to bother she doesn't need me. :)

I'm going to see Abby some time tomorrow, probably gonna hang around school a little bit to say hi to a couple of old friends.

Sorry Amber, I can't speak with you anymore because you told me so.

since everyone is too tired, too busy, too cool and/or too in trouble to come hang out with me today.. I'm gunna go pressure clean the side walk, hoping it will give me some sort of entertainment for at least an hour. -___________-

I really am starting to think that I don't have any real friends.
If you read that statement and you are bothered by it, don't message me telling me "OMG I am sooo your friend, you know I love youuuu"
Just start acting like your my friend. A lot less talk and more action. And I don't mean acting, as in faking, I mean treat me the way you would like to be treated in any situation. What the fuck happened to the golden rule.

I'm tired of fakes and liars. Even if it is a small white lie that doesn't effect my personal life or anything of that nature, I don't care, don't fuckin lie to me. If there is something you need to say, don't beat around the bush. Be an adult and tell me flat out. I give ALL of you the respect to be up front with you and If I need to say something, I'll pull you aside and tell you, not talk behind your back or lie to your face. I would expect that you'd have the same respect for me. But unfortunately, no matter how many people read how I'm feeling, none of you who fit into the catagory of a liar or a fake will even think about changing or at least try to be real with me. No more lies, no more excuses, i don't wanna hear it.

You know I care about all of you (if you didn't know before, you know now). I would do so much for a lot of you, but I need to start seeing that I'm cared about too!! Not the fake "I love yous" and insincere smiles and hugs. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate anything you have done for me in the past and I'm not letting that slip my mind for a moment, but all the money and favors in the world can't buy a good friendship. You can tell me you love me all you want, but If someone told you I started talking about you behind your back about something really personal. I mean I was really doggin you out, talking about you, your family and shit you've done. You'd be pissed, you would think I was a real bitch and you'd talk shit about me to anyone who mentioned my name. But then a few days later you find out it wasn't true and the person who told you I was talking about you, was just a liar and wanted you to hate on me. See how quickly that "I love you, your such a great friend" shit flew out the window. Don't fool yourself and say that wouldn't be you, because for most of you it would.

I just want you to see things the way I'm seeing them right now. Are you truly my friend? Would you really have my back if things started to look real bad for me? Or are you just an acquaintance. Do me a real favor and don't get those confused.

I want something real. -Amber Marie Owen

I want to break...

I feel like I can't do anything to help Dylon. He's hurting somewhere right now... I can just feel it. He's told me he's lonely. And... I just wish I could be his cure right now. He's so tough, and he's stronger mentally and physically than I. I'm unstable. I worry about him. I can't help that. I want him to be happy, he can't be happy all the time. But he just can't be angry, upset or annoyed or a mix. It hurts me cause he's just... not... happy.

I just wonder if he ever feels just sad, besides lonesome which is pretty sad. He told me he just wants to cuddle and fall asleep. When I see him... the first thing I want him to do is just lay his head on my chest while we lay down together... and I can just stroke his hair... play with his light fluffy hair. Listen to him breathe, feel his body near me. Knowing he's asleep peacefully would make me so happy.

I remember that night before he had to leave. I stayed up the entire time and I wanted to sleep next to him so bad. I was so fucking upset. I didn't even want to wake him up for him to get ready, I just wanted to sleep next to him, under the blanket and stop crying... god I was crying so much. Thinking about it now is making me cry. I miss him so much. I wanted to hold his hands more. I wanted to kiss him more, have him hold me more. I want more time with him. I felt like such a complete wreck without him.

I don't remember all of it at all... I remember getting in a car, nothing made sense, i didn't even know the car was moving, i didn't know that i was moving farther and farther away from the airport, i didn't realize that my hands were empty. I never felt how cold i really was. I went home, and inhaled choking on the cologne and the fact that He... was still there, the proof of him here, was still in my room, it still is now. But I broke down, I fell against my bed and ripped sheets and passed out...

I woke up after a long sleep, actually I didn't open my eyes... I just knew I was awake. I didn't feel a movement of breathing in my bed, I didn't feel warmth, I actually felt like I slept without covers in the middle of Winter... I opened my eyes staring at a wall. I turned and there was just the door. Dylon wasn't next to me, I woke up to nothing. And I cried even more. It was fucking horrible.

I cried for hours and no matter what, just thinking about this makes me cry instantly. I want him back. Best friend or not to me he's my boyfriend, my true best friend, my lover, my everything I love him, he's all I want and need, everything and more. No girl can ever take him and I don't ever want to give him up.

I get mad at times, I get upset, confused, doubtful, i don't trust him sometimes but that all changes. I love him. Dylon James Riopelle, if you ever read this, I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

And with what's left of my own razed heart after all he did to me, put me through. After all it went through with everything else in my life. I can't give him a broken, ugly, shattered and razed missing-pieces of my Heart... but it's all I have left to give.

I love him. I can't let go, ever. I'm always going to love him. This isn't fair.

mineminemine.♥

To my true best friend and future husband, I love you so much baby. You're the most amazing boy ever and I've never been so happy in my entire Life. I never knew it was this possible to fall so hard and deep in Love. Your sweet smile along with your icey blue eyes gets me so hypnotized and out of all the other girls out there, I can't believe that you still pick me over anyone else. I know that if he and I had met and not fallen immediately in love, but had chosen friendship over what could have been, I would live my life alone and miserable, because there is nobody for me but my darling Dylon. No one can understand how much I love you. You make me so entirely happy and you'll always be my Dylon Cuppycakes and I will always love you. I love the way you hold me and kiss me, and tickle me till i pee my pants even though I don't like to be tickled. I always find myself snapping out of a million hour trance just admiring this boy :P. I love how we can be easily entertained just by talking about pillows and juice boxes, we can talk for hours on end about anything and I love it. I love how we both have blood/biting fetishes, or at least I do the most :P and even more better, I love love love when he gives me his marks, he's my Big Bad Wolf, and I'm just his little vampire down the street, and we've crossed our lines. He gives amazing hickeys. :D He's mineminemine forever, and I'm not sharing. December 15th is the happiest day ever because I've spent another year with my Lover. Long Distance is hard but I know we can get through it all. There will be many more years to come on that date, and we have big full lives ahead of us, just me and him and our own world. I love sleeping next to you and waking up to your sweet face in the morning. The way you have with me is nothing compared to any other. You're my only Guardian Angel, no matter what, I can trust you and I know you'll be strong, protective and keep me safe from anything. No other boy can ever get me even a teensy eensy bit emotionally or physically attracted like I am to Dylon, it just never happens, won't work. You think the 'hottest guy in the world' could turn me around, screw that, Dylon is the most handsomest and cutest boy I've ever met, and he tops all of you boys miles wide. I miss him every second of every day. Never have I met anyone that makes me feel this way. I consider myself the luckiest person, better yet, GIRL in the world because I get to be selfish and have you all to myself :D. Your sense in Art and Life is phenomenal to me. I love it so much when you hold me, I feel so safe and secure and it's like as if nothing in the entire world could ever touch me. When I lace my fingers with yours, holding hands never felt so right. You're so much fun to be with and I can never stop laughing, or giggling at just the fact that you're so cute.<3 Times where I'm down and all else fails, you bring me right back up, you mean so much to me and you're my biggest inspiration in life. I keep going because of you. I love you. The thought of you always makes me smile that it leaves my friends confused. Hearing your voice makes me all giddy and just being with you makes me feel like a little kid inside. I'm so entirely happy with you, I can never stop smiling. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you, I love you, so much more, most, forever, first, last, and best. ♥

Come on, B r e a t h e, You gotta find a way

I've been a bit busy.
That I have.

Sorry, I really need to update a lot don't i? Me and Dylon are on very great terms. Me and Amber aren't speaking and me and Nikki haven't been conversing that's all.

I've been really tired lately, and like Dylon i've been listening to a lot of acoustic music. but for my side i've been listening to some mellow heart razed songs. Music is so nice, able to just listen to your songs and sing along or feel the way you feel relating to the words and tune. It's strange how music can get you into things, motivate you, make you feel, or do things wrong and/or right.

i've been feeling very tiny lately, despite my body size i mean. I feel like Alice in Wonderland when she just shrinks and everything's bigger. And I'm getting drowsier, and more sick. this is just horrible.

i need sleep, i need sleep i need sleep...
ish ish.

I think I'm bipolar

Every time I rant and vent my true feelings of Anger and Sadness.
I go back to feeling normal again.
Like how I thought my feelings of Dylon were all neutral...
I'm back to just loving him all in a half hour of telling him my problem of what's been on my mind
and I thought that my copious amount of feeling would jeopardize our friendship forever...

I guess I was just really really frustrated, which I was, but I love Dylon.
I know.. for the millionth time, I speak of his name too much.

I'm so sick right now, my throat is killing me, I may have strep throat. I've been drinking warm soup and I'm stressing my Math grade as of now. I have an F and I'm really trying my hardest to do better. My body is rejecting itself right now, and it really is killing me...

It's been raining too much lately. Way too much. But I love it... I just wish I can rollerblade as of now. I believe I should tomorrow despite the weather. Just enjoy rollerblading with a cold sprinkly feel across my skin. Into what is left of Summer we're entering Fall. Fall's so pretty up North, in my opinion with all the colored leaves, sweet soft mellow cool air. I wanna see that. Not humidity.

I'm trying to go see Dylon for my Winter break, which I don't have the slightest idea how will work but I'm trying... He's suppose to be coming down here the 18th, and the only thing I don't know about is how he's getting to my house, he's going to be in Florida for about a week, and he'll be around 4-5 hours away from where I am. I hope I get to see him. I miss him so much.

This sickness is eating me alive.

So, I've had my pictures developed and I'm looking at the pictures of me and Dylon, god he's gorgeous and his eyes are just amazing... I love him. And I hope to take more pictures together.
I loved the fact that we spent all that time together and to be detailed, I loved that we laced fingers holding hands, kissed, bit each other, had sexual intimacy, I just loved being with him.
Seeing him cry, feeling his arms tighten around me like he never wanted to let go, I should never forget that. I shouldn't doubt him. I love him.

Am I desperate or something?

I'm looking back on old conversations with me and Dylon...
This was the time I was truly happy with myself and happy to call him my own...
I'm pathetic.

[16:55] The Rejected Sin: I've been teaching myself martialarts and i go to the highs chool wrestling practice once and while sicne i'm friends with the couch, so i know alot, and i'm not worried about if i'll win or lose. i jsut have to go against my friend aj and he's like 100000 times stronger then me. so if he gets ahold of me i'm goign to get hurt.
[16:55] CupcakeKittyS13: D;
[16:55] CupcakeKittyS13: Please dont get hurt I don't want that
[16:55] CupcakeKittyS13: I'll cry ><;;;
[16:56] The Rejected Sin: I don't want it either. and i dont' want you to cry. i'm used to getting hurt in fights though.
[16:57] CupcakeKittyS13: D;
[16:57] CupcakeKittyS13: I'll have to keel someone XD
[16:58] The Rejected Sin: I'll try my best to not get too hurt, for you. <3

[17:00] The Rejected Sin: Knowing you are there for my mentaly will give me the strenght to win, before something happens.

[17:06] CupcakeKittyS13: I feel stupid ;~;
[17:07] The Rejected Sin: No,no,no,no. its my fault don't feel stupid sweetie. ♥

[11:21] The Rejected Sin: I'll sing for you one day
[11:22] CupcakeKittyS13: Awh, how sweet<33
[11:22] The Rejected Sin: <3
[11:22] CupcakeKittyS13: :3
[11:23] The Rejected Sin: :3

This makes me sad... for some reason, I just miss how perfect we were, now this is just frustrating.

I am so nauseous

I've been so sick for the past week, I've been meaning to puke and I'm having hard times breathing. I hate being sick because I constantly feel like my body's failing and ready to give up.

Me and Dylon barely speak anymore, there are about 2 hours to speak about just the smallest things or nothing at all. And then he goes to bed. And at times I wish he would sacrifice how extremely sleepy he is and stay awake to talk to me. I miss the times where we would talk about anything and everything and he wouldn't care about anything else but to talk to me. I just wonder, does he even care to want to listen to my voice anymore.
I know I sound stupid, Dylon doesn't really show that caring, kid side of him, Am I the only one who thinks of the past way too much? I remember and miss the times where he was always hyper, and always told me he was happier any day he was feeling bad or good when he talked to me.
I felt like I was the only one who can do that for him. I loved being cute and hyper with him. Now it's all just mellow. He's all quiet, reserved, sort of mysterious. I'm not trying to complain and be like; "I wish he'd change the way he is I hate how he is now"

Because that's basically saying, if you don't like who I am, get out, I'm not changing for you.

Maybe this just isn't the relationship for me anymore. I'm not sure, i don't want to say I'm giving up, let alone, I don't even think I am. It's frustrating for me.
And along the lines, in a sense I trust him, I trust him a lot, too much, to the point where that will all hurt me. But, I still wonder if he gets close to the next prettiest girl near him. Not going to lie, he's going to be attracted to some girl. 'I'm never, ever will or going to be the most gorgeous girl on the planet" or let alone "The best or better girl out of any". Every time we get back together, we always put the past behind us and move on with better and new things. But still, just like a few months back where he sent pictures of himself to not only me, but another girl. It hurts knowing he's probably flirting with another girl.
I'm not a hypocrite, I really don't do the same thing, I don't chat with other guys about what sort of panties I'm wearing and do all this dilly dally stuff. I'm not and never am the type of person to throw Love around, I'm always catching it, hoping to have it's company to mend each other.

It kills me knowing there are prettier girls, saying how cute he is, and that they've got a chance with him and he might leave me for it. He always says he's not leaving, he's right there, where I need him. A phone call away. A phone call that's never answered and a text that's too busy to come to my need when I'm breaking down. I make him sound like a complete bad guy.

It's sad that I'm typing this all out crying my eyes in my blog, and he could probably be reading thinking to himself "Why won't she ever tell me these things"
Because he always says that I can talk to him and tell him anything, that I should be able to go to him for anything and everything instead of everyone else. Dylon, you're right, I should be able to but you're probably doing the same thing with Abby.

It's like, I can't trust him, do I have the right? Maybe, I do because after him lying to me about the incident with the pictures and that girl. And he didn't leave me for another girl. Fuck! The day Dani added me, the whole '5.15.09' and 'I never knew it was this hard to fall in Love'. Shit I'm not fucking stupid... I wasn't worth it. It's like telling me, hi I love you but this chick's cuter and she's physically here for me, bye.

I'm just ranting and venting my angry feelings now. I'm just mad at how much Dylon has put me through and I keep accepting him back. Why do I always do this, it's so annoying to hear myself constantly think about this cause why can't I just get over it and leave?
I'm already so neutral about our relationship, let alone our friendship. I do love him, I do. This is just somehow slipping for me. I want to know more of how he's feeling, what he's thinking. I'M GETTING NOTHING.

If I were to tell Dylon that I'm giving up. Or that I'm leaving, I don't want to hear 'It's your choice, I love you, I'll miss you but alright, bye'
No, I want to hear that he doesn't want me to leave, I want to know reassuringly that he can't live without me. but that's wrong, that's all wrong isn't it. He can live perfectly fine without me if anything happened.

And if I were dead that be a different story.

I can't lie to you Neon

I love you Samantha Jacqulene Genova.
I'll tell you next week...

It's the last best thing said,

"YOU have been THE ONE person in my life who has been the best example to me of what a good friend should be like no matter what" -Amber

I can't wait anymore for you to get home.

How is this going to work? The little sister of mine whom I thought was a part of my own family is turning on cancer sticks and throwing a rampage. And you know how bad of a person I am for it? I don't say anything because she's not going to listen to me, she's going to piss me off by telling me stupid shit and fight just cause I wanna help her. I'm not on her case, I never was, wasn't trying to, NOTHING. And I'm getting stupid drama from kids I don't even fucking know telling me "I thought you two were best friends, I thought you guys were tight, what the fuck Akino, shouldn't you be the older sister like you are? You're worthless, and useless"
Shit, ya think?

Family, My half sister's wedding is just around the month and my grandparents are coming down, but fuck they ain't staying in my room, they can sleep in the living room, no one but me or my friends stays in my room. I hate my family, I can't imperatively say that but... I just can't bear to be with them or see them for a half split of a second. She tells me to give them a chance and that No one will love me like family...
What kind of family makes fun of me, talks shit about me, finds me stupid, worthless, a whore, TRASH. They think I'm the worst daughter ever in this family.

Fuck people, I wear tight jeans, I have cake on my face, I put my hair to the side, I'm pierced, I'm into Ink, I'm one big fucking surprise of emotional loud colored clusterfuck.
I'm fat? Good, Pass the cake for me to inhale extra calories, I look like trash? GREAT, pass the shortest skirt I have and the fishnet for my outfit tonight. This family will never know me. I'm going to ruin this place after the wedding is over. I'm going to punch someone, I know it. I know it all. I hate being here.

You give me Heart Attacks

It still hasn't hit me, should it have affected me at all the slightest bit by now? At all really. Me and Amber haven't talked since she said what she's said to me, I guess her words legit, but that doesn't bother me, does that show I don't care? I care, I care a lot, about her and all, but I guess breaking a friendship is just, I don't know, just no affect, it just happens.

I sort of get annoyed when Dylon doesn't answer my texts a little faster when having a conversation. And I hate it when he always leaves to go skateboarding, though he says I'm imperative to him, I don't feel so important enough to sacrifice the day to talk to. But then again, we don't even talk anymore, we barely have anything to talk about and it's always by texting and im. I'm not blaming just him, sure his excuses with no signal or he never got my message, yeah i understand, if he tells me I'll believe it. But it just bothers me, I feel so non-important. We barely talk... it's so much better in person but when we're like this again in a sense it's like driving each other away. I miss it so much when we would talk on the phone constantly, day in, day out, phone, im, texting (whenever he got a phone) And it would go on forever... He wouldn't care about anything else but talk to me. But sitting at the computer or laying down with a phone in the ear is a waste of time now that I truly get to say it, what's so great about talking to me? I'm not so interesting anymore and hey, at least he's got a life, feeling high, skateboarding obliviously, chillin with kids. Having fun, and as for me, I've got my own things too and still free time at night for my loved ones online.

I still remember when it felt like I was the only one he would want to be with, talk to and with. Now he's probably got other girl friends that are just good friends, talking and such. I guess I'm just jealous, I wish I was the only girl he focused on, I'm not saying to cut out every girl around him, that wouldn't be right and i want him to have and make friends with anyone, it's just the fact that I wanna be the one he would constantly talk to and talk about, but even when texting or calling he can't cause with people around he finds it rude. It makes me wonder if I'm a rude person because at certain points where he did actually call me, i left my group of friends to find a quiet place to talk to him... He was worth the conversation more than what happened in Drama class at school the other day or who sucked off who that one night back in June.

Dylon's dad has been getting maddd drunk lately, it's really starting to worry me... I remember when Dylon told me after a talk about how much after my dad died I constantly want a father figure that i can just be friends with not necessarily be taken in as an actual daughter and all that. Because after Dwayne abandoning me as a Father and Friend It's just fucked up after my dad died he said he'd treat me like the little girl he'd never have because him and his wife at the time couldn't have kids, now he's married another woman, got another kid and a better family. Typical.

But Dylon told me that his dad would be my dad and though my mom is strange, she'd be his new mom. And though me and his dad don't talk much either, I do care about him a lot. I really do. I'm so tired right now. So sick and I procrastinated way too much today, I need to do homework...

It can't rain all the time can it?

I haven't been rollerblading at all this week do to all the rain that's down-pouring and I've been taking my time doing homework and going to bed around 2am at most. I'm so exhausted.

I find it cute and makes me all girly and blushy when Dylon calls me Angel...

I feel bad, I haven't talked to Lindsey in two days, and wow all day I thought it was a Tuesday but it was Wednesday, it's now 1:53am and is a Thursday, really? How does that fly by me.
Time and Space are so uniquely strange.

So, it's been a few days since Amber told me not to be her friend anymore, I'm sure the problems blown over for the her now, I for one was not troubled by it if I say so myself. It still hasn't hit me like anyone or even myself would have probably thought. I don't know I'm just okay with not being friends with her, I guess I don't know.

Me and Shawn have been getting close in a sense that others think we should go out, I'm starting to feel he's starting to like me and I don't want that. Honestly yeah me and him hug a lot and we're always talking but I don't like Shawn like that, he's just a super duper awesome friend and he's funny. I just hope I don't seem like I have been or am trying to lead him on, I don't want to ruin friendships. I'm just worrying though I don't wanna hurt the kid. I mean, friendly he kissed me on the cheek today when he hugged me. For now I'm going to honestly say it was a friendly kiss. Everyone needs to get off my nuts about that though, we're not going out, and no one has a chance with me, but Dylon.

Yeah I won't ever give any other boy a chance, I'm in high school now and I've only got 4 years of Teenage High Life for the time being. I want to be with Dylon, he's whom I want to be with. We've got something special that's way different from others and my feelings for him are still tight even though all I feel like we are right now are just friends and it's like at night when no one's around we get to be ourselves and for a split few hours feel and be like boyfriend and girlfriend, strange I know.

I need to make a bow for this girl who asked to make one, for 3 dollars, not too bad I would say 5, but she's now my model, discount, shh. I'm selling candy for my Theater/Drama class, I enjoy that class even though it's only been a day now. But somehow I feel that my Ceramics/Pottery is a bit sad or disappointed... Oh well I guess.

Well, time to start on that bow and sleep, it's already 2:03am, and I'm wasting more and more minutes each time...