I am so nauseous

I've been so sick for the past week, I've been meaning to puke and I'm having hard times breathing. I hate being sick because I constantly feel like my body's failing and ready to give up.

Me and Dylon barely speak anymore, there are about 2 hours to speak about just the smallest things or nothing at all. And then he goes to bed. And at times I wish he would sacrifice how extremely sleepy he is and stay awake to talk to me. I miss the times where we would talk about anything and everything and he wouldn't care about anything else but to talk to me. I just wonder, does he even care to want to listen to my voice anymore.
I know I sound stupid, Dylon doesn't really show that caring, kid side of him, Am I the only one who thinks of the past way too much? I remember and miss the times where he was always hyper, and always told me he was happier any day he was feeling bad or good when he talked to me.
I felt like I was the only one who can do that for him. I loved being cute and hyper with him. Now it's all just mellow. He's all quiet, reserved, sort of mysterious. I'm not trying to complain and be like; "I wish he'd change the way he is I hate how he is now"

Because that's basically saying, if you don't like who I am, get out, I'm not changing for you.

Maybe this just isn't the relationship for me anymore. I'm not sure, i don't want to say I'm giving up, let alone, I don't even think I am. It's frustrating for me.
And along the lines, in a sense I trust him, I trust him a lot, too much, to the point where that will all hurt me. But, I still wonder if he gets close to the next prettiest girl near him. Not going to lie, he's going to be attracted to some girl. 'I'm never, ever will or going to be the most gorgeous girl on the planet" or let alone "The best or better girl out of any". Every time we get back together, we always put the past behind us and move on with better and new things. But still, just like a few months back where he sent pictures of himself to not only me, but another girl. It hurts knowing he's probably flirting with another girl.
I'm not a hypocrite, I really don't do the same thing, I don't chat with other guys about what sort of panties I'm wearing and do all this dilly dally stuff. I'm not and never am the type of person to throw Love around, I'm always catching it, hoping to have it's company to mend each other.

It kills me knowing there are prettier girls, saying how cute he is, and that they've got a chance with him and he might leave me for it. He always says he's not leaving, he's right there, where I need him. A phone call away. A phone call that's never answered and a text that's too busy to come to my need when I'm breaking down. I make him sound like a complete bad guy.

It's sad that I'm typing this all out crying my eyes in my blog, and he could probably be reading thinking to himself "Why won't she ever tell me these things"
Because he always says that I can talk to him and tell him anything, that I should be able to go to him for anything and everything instead of everyone else. Dylon, you're right, I should be able to but you're probably doing the same thing with Abby.

It's like, I can't trust him, do I have the right? Maybe, I do because after him lying to me about the incident with the pictures and that girl. And he didn't leave me for another girl. Fuck! The day Dani added me, the whole '5.15.09' and 'I never knew it was this hard to fall in Love'. Shit I'm not fucking stupid... I wasn't worth it. It's like telling me, hi I love you but this chick's cuter and she's physically here for me, bye.

I'm just ranting and venting my angry feelings now. I'm just mad at how much Dylon has put me through and I keep accepting him back. Why do I always do this, it's so annoying to hear myself constantly think about this cause why can't I just get over it and leave?
I'm already so neutral about our relationship, let alone our friendship. I do love him, I do. This is just somehow slipping for me. I want to know more of how he's feeling, what he's thinking. I'M GETTING NOTHING.

If I were to tell Dylon that I'm giving up. Or that I'm leaving, I don't want to hear 'It's your choice, I love you, I'll miss you but alright, bye'
No, I want to hear that he doesn't want me to leave, I want to know reassuringly that he can't live without me. but that's wrong, that's all wrong isn't it. He can live perfectly fine without me if anything happened.

And if I were dead that be a different story.