I want to break...

I feel like I can't do anything to help Dylon. He's hurting somewhere right now... I can just feel it. He's told me he's lonely. And... I just wish I could be his cure right now. He's so tough, and he's stronger mentally and physically than I. I'm unstable. I worry about him. I can't help that. I want him to be happy, he can't be happy all the time. But he just can't be angry, upset or annoyed or a mix. It hurts me cause he's just... not... happy.

I just wonder if he ever feels just sad, besides lonesome which is pretty sad. He told me he just wants to cuddle and fall asleep. When I see him... the first thing I want him to do is just lay his head on my chest while we lay down together... and I can just stroke his hair... play with his light fluffy hair. Listen to him breathe, feel his body near me. Knowing he's asleep peacefully would make me so happy.

I remember that night before he had to leave. I stayed up the entire time and I wanted to sleep next to him so bad. I was so fucking upset. I didn't even want to wake him up for him to get ready, I just wanted to sleep next to him, under the blanket and stop crying... god I was crying so much. Thinking about it now is making me cry. I miss him so much. I wanted to hold his hands more. I wanted to kiss him more, have him hold me more. I want more time with him. I felt like such a complete wreck without him.

I don't remember all of it at all... I remember getting in a car, nothing made sense, i didn't even know the car was moving, i didn't know that i was moving farther and farther away from the airport, i didn't realize that my hands were empty. I never felt how cold i really was. I went home, and inhaled choking on the cologne and the fact that He... was still there, the proof of him here, was still in my room, it still is now. But I broke down, I fell against my bed and ripped sheets and passed out...

I woke up after a long sleep, actually I didn't open my eyes... I just knew I was awake. I didn't feel a movement of breathing in my bed, I didn't feel warmth, I actually felt like I slept without covers in the middle of Winter... I opened my eyes staring at a wall. I turned and there was just the door. Dylon wasn't next to me, I woke up to nothing. And I cried even more. It was fucking horrible.

I cried for hours and no matter what, just thinking about this makes me cry instantly. I want him back. Best friend or not to me he's my boyfriend, my true best friend, my lover, my everything I love him, he's all I want and need, everything and more. No girl can ever take him and I don't ever want to give him up.

I get mad at times, I get upset, confused, doubtful, i don't trust him sometimes but that all changes. I love him. Dylon James Riopelle, if you ever read this, I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

And with what's left of my own razed heart after all he did to me, put me through. After all it went through with everything else in my life. I can't give him a broken, ugly, shattered and razed missing-pieces of my Heart... but it's all I have left to give.

I love him. I can't let go, ever. I'm always going to love him. This isn't fair.