take this scripture like a picture and wear it around your neck

I can't determine happiness right now. I just have the need to be angry or depressed when no one's around so I can have my time to vent and rant to myself and all around the house about how much pain and heartache I went through these past few years.

Have you ever had a time where you wish you could have taken a different approach to things and just do that instead of what you did before, or now with whatevers going on? Well I always let things hit me, I always had problems happen. And strangely enough...

The time where Amber would say she wanted to kill me because I didn't deserve Erik, telling me I was naive and prayed to God I would drop dead. I wish I could have punched her, or at least this is all how I feel. Because I truthfully wouldn't go up to her, her seeing my face is of no importance to anything. But at the time, Erik was MY boyfriend, he was my fuckass of a messed up piece of shit boyfriend. Yeah he cheated on me, he flirted with other girls, he DID, he even did it with Amber... and even though Erik went back and forth with the both of us. I wanted to punch Amber, tell her 'He's fucking mine, back off!' and just run back into the arms of the person who hurt me the most at the time. But when I was younger I was always hurt, and I looked up to Amber SO much that time... I was jealous of her being pretty, it was no wonder Erik liked her too, she was intelligent, gorgeous, funny, everything. And purposely I wanted all she had. Body and mind and all. And to be looked down upon and wished by someone who used to be my best friend want my head banged against a wall, broken and smashed. Me and Amber always had it going for us... nothing worse got in our way but made it stronger. But now, i think it's just over. whether she wants to apologize or not or make up or SOMETHING. I just wouldn't be the same. Then again, when have I ever been the same these past couple years?

Every relationship I was with. Why did I always let the guy just hurt me, I could have taken the different approach and tell them off and leave. In every relationship NO GUY wanted to commit to me. Not even to just a relationship when it didn't even have to be serious yet. There was always another girl.. always. Always one to cheat on me with, tell me; 'I've been meaning to tell you this... but I've been having my eyes on this girl for a while, I'm sorry.'
...Why?

Or even after making up and allowing that hurt to just stay in because in a sense after crying or being upset i took that all in, ALL of it. And I would be able to hold that person in my arms and protect them from everyone else being angry, hold them in from the stress at work or pain of hardships with friends.... I helped and protected them like the 'Angel' they all called me to be.

I wish someone would tell me why am I not worth it? Does EVERY guy have to do it. It's all the same and sad but honest truth, Dylon's the same... he promised me he wouldn't hurt me, he wouldn't be anything like the rest, but it's only worse.

And yeah I wish I could just smack him and curse him out and leave, I can but I'm not going to attempt to. Because that's just how I feel NOW, I don't want to do it. So what if Dylon likes another girl now or at all? Shit, he told me first all the things every fucking girl wanted to hear from a guy. I came first, and Sammi put it all in the right words...

if theres another girl she isnt as important as you

she hasnt left her mark

and things said twice are only repeats

if he said it to you first, your the one it was ment to be said to

dont worry kitty, if you find another girl in the picture, then its like a polariod photo, it will fade soon. you and dylon are like kodak moment :') - Sammi Jacquelene Neon Genova

Sammi made me feel so much better when she told me that. She's right. Dylon did say it all to me first and it was all meant for me, and if they're repeated to the next girl then she knows nothing. Dylon will never find another girl like me, he's going to find a pretty girl and it's not gonna be anymore than amazing than us. Heh, that is if he completely gets over me then EVERYTHING would be amazing for him. As for me I'd have that quiet anger for the longest time. Punching walls and breaking empty alcohol bottles that my sister kept for collection.

For once, I want to have a guy look at me after all the time that's passed, think 'Damn the time that goes and how long have we known each other since then?' and just look at me... look at how much I've changed, am i smiling, probably, am i having fun, possibly, am i by myself, most likely... and the last thing he'll say is "Baby you've outdone yourself..."

I bet no guy realized how much it hurt to lose me, but I feel like with all their intentions, they shouldn't hurt, they did it, they did it to ME. Why want me back, why try to make things better. I've only got one guy that I give all of my attention to. Our friendship is complicated as well of the fact that we hook up a lot. I don't know how much longer we're going to last, and he's the only one who gets me better than anyone else. He's got a weird way of showing he cares, but I guess this is just how it's going to be. I love him, he's a nutcase, he's sometimes a bit strange, and I care about him more than anyone else ever could. I'm just that girl in Florida everyone rants about 'Oh it's just that whore of a girl Dylon likes cause she takes pictures of her tits hanging out'.

At times I wish Dylon would post it out there that 'This is my best friend, she's...' etcetera. I guess it's pathetic but I wish I could see a picture of me on his profile with a description or hear that he talks about me, in a good way of course. I guess I just want to have that sort of assurance that I'm important to him. But I should know he cares about me

If he didn't care about me, he wouldn't speak to me, right? He wouldn't feel bad for me or anything. If he wanted to leave me, he'll just get a speech of how amazingly depressed I am and feel like suicide. And then it's all over.

It's all a phase, to you anyway, I'll get over it, right?