A note to everyone... [Venting and Ranting]

To all my friends and all my "friends", One, I am a very nice and decent girl for who I am, I do anything for anyone and I always do and try my best to be there for everyone. If you need a home, run to my house, you'll have a cooked meal and eat cookies and creme ice cream with me at 3 in the morning. You don't need to know me a lot or trust me and I will never get annoyed of anyone if you need to vent, yell or scream, rant your heart out, if you're crying over the boy you like or your parents being assholes, I'll listen to EVERY word and be your comfort.

To all the people and your ignorant comments of my relationship with my best friend Dylon, yeah we're lovers, basically I'm single, but my heart is forever taken by him. You call me naive, you call me stupid, I tell you to shut the FUCK up. I don't care, and I proved you all wrong completely, long distance relationships do work out if you've got the balls to hold a relationship. I CAN hold a relationship, Love is a very important thing to me. I'm a highly devoted person and I do so much for my partner, I'm not in it for the sexual intimacy, whatever your views on Love is, don't give me your bullshit about how you don't believe in the way I believe it, you wanna call it a fairy tale nevermore, I call it a dream come true. I could have had a relationship closer to me, but to be honest, I can't be attracted to any one else, no one makes me feel any way like I do with Dylon, emotionally and physically, it just never happens.

And to any girl that is so sick of me because of the fact that Dylon chose me over you, or whatever your deal is, GET OVER it. I didn't steal him from you, you just think you're better for him than me. I've had 19 months of Hell and back and I've had more experience and time with him than ANY of you ever will. Again, you call me a stupid little girl, a 15 year old that needs to grow the fuck up? Check yourself, I'm not playing games, OBVIOUSLY I don't talk about any of you girls because I don't care, you're the ones drifting high out on me, just fuck you.

And for the friends from Massachusetts? ESPECIALLY GIRLS; STOP adding me to check up on me, try to get to know me, and then delete me after. I'm a 15 year old girl from Florida, I like Music and Art and I can kick your ass without knowing kung fu. Stop telling your best friends about me and start talking shit about me because you're my "boyfriend's ex girlfriend for a week - one month" You think I don't know what you're up to, I'm not stupid, I'm friendly to EVERYONE because I have respect, I don't hate any of you girls, or boys, I don't really even care. Mind over matter, I don't mind, and YOU don't matter.

My life is not perfect like anyone else's, I've moved on with my life and I am very content with where it's putting me and what I'm going through. I've gone through enough and I will be going through more to make me who I am today, in my opinion, Yes I've had a lot of things happened to me, but I still came out as the strongest and nicest girl to everyone. I take all of your fucking shit, you use me and walk all over me, you abuse me mentally and think 'what the fuck, you said you'd never leave me' Well yeah, but when it takes enough pain from you bitches pulling me apart, you don't need me anymore once you're content with using me

You people don't really understand, you don't, I may be highly emotional but I'm not throwing my Cold negativities on any of you. I don't have my Fuck the World attitude and 'emo' act, fuck it. I have a family that loves me, a mom who wakes up and works for me and gives me things I deserve from the shit I do to be the 'Best Daughter Ever', I have best friends who I can laugh and be absolutely ridiculous with and won't be judged by, I have a lover who actually knows how to treat me and make me smile and he's amazing like that, fuck yeah I said it, he's amazing.

Don't like me, then piss off, Can't stand me, then quit drifting high on me, want me out of your life, my question is; Why did you put yourself in my Life anyway?

I'm in Georgia

Before I left home for an 11 hour drive, since 1am I was crying for 5 hours, just because I missed Dylon. And I had such a huge headache from it all too. But I'm feeling better now, it's 3:07am right now and I'm in Amber's new home in Georgia.

It's really pretty over here, but in my opinion a lot of rednecks. Not that it's bad just stereotypically, there's so many... o-o.

The weather is so nice over here, it's not so hot and humid. I bought a couple things and I bought Dylon a new pair of comfy pajama pants, they're Mario Nintendo pants, helladank and I'm wearing them now.

I vented so much of my feelings in detail last entry. That was probably the longest I've ever posted. Ever since Dylon left, all I can think about is Him, me and Abby together, like a family. I mean, if me and Dylon were married, she's practically the sister in law, but in law or not, they're like blood related in a sense, and im just the girl he's in love with that's all.
I miss seeing all of us together, it made me happy. I love how much we all smiled and laughed, sharing memories. It was amazing. Just... all of us together, especially me in Dylon's arms, which I miss very much. It's what we both wanted.

I miss him, I really do, and I can't wait to be with him again really really soon. ♥

Everytime I see in thought of your smile, tears fill my eyes

Dylon was here, his presence still lingers here...

He had so much fun when he was here, we did many things together and I'm so happy he got to meet new friends and get away from Massachusetts for a bit like he wanted to. I've never been so happy in my entire life. And I am and am proud to say, I'm not a virgin anymore. ♥

I remember it so clearly, where me and Abby went to the airport together, my heart was racing so fast, and I decided to think of all the things Dylon has said to me since we've been together, the moments that made me cry, angry, depressed and absolutely ecstatic and on top of the world... and I turned around screaming 'Baby!' and fell into his arms, and at that very moment, I never felt so secure in my life. The way he held me, it was just so amazing, the chemistry between us definitely blew the place apart. Abby was with me, and she was so happy and smiling as I let go all hyper and giddy as he hugged her. It made me happy to see Dylon and Abby hugging, brothers and sisters united. It's a wonderful thing. And for me to finally be with him. Finally, after Ninteen months... I met him for the first time. And my emotions were so out of order all I could tell was that I was excited. After that we went to Cici's for lunch, played around in the arcade and stayed with Abby, from there, we went swimming, and that's where me and Dylon shared our first kiss. Me and Dylon fooled around in the pool though... even with people and Abby herself around. I was rubbing myself against his dick and my god he FEELS huge, but then later that night... well... :)

I asked Dylon; "Did my kisses make you fly?" and he said yes.. I'm so entirely happy that I can be the one who puts him up high. Later that night it was just me and him cuddling in bed together, we had an amazing night. I mean, bottom line and to be completely blunt, he fingered me, and i jacked him off and gave him head. Amazing thing ever. He has a very sexy body and I love the way he bites and sucks on my necks and boobies. ;) I love my marks.

Along the past 5 days, we went to the beach, the Walk, and just hung out in the neighborhood... We never left each other's sides... me and Dylon were always together, holding hands, kissing, holding each other, and... it was all just so amazing.

He actually met Amber too, I found out she's been smoking excessively. I was shocked but I know she won't listen to me and she's not going to give it up. I even allowed Dylon to smoke a couple sticks even though I didn't want him to. But i can't stop him. He looked so cool with the way he held the cancer stick out and the smoke flowed out of his nose and mouth, surrounding him in a white milky haze. I'm not trying to say it's the most attractive thing, and that it looks so fucking awesome to smoke. Just the way he was... I can't explain it I guess.

I still love him though, like I said, I would never leave him for the drugs and smokes and alcohol that he consumes into his body but no matter what since he isn't so into it, I would like to stop it...

I also re-layered and dyed his hair, he looks so amazingly more attractive. <3 And we also found out that we can fit into each others jeans, shopping has never been easier for me. :) Hehe, he's so tiny and fit and I could just eat him all over again. I have so many pictures of him and us kissing and the gang.

What was the biggest and hardest part was letting go... After only 5 days of him being with me in my house, sleeping together, doing all the naughty things and just spending time together. I felt that he was around for so much longer. He was on the computer while I laid my head on the rest of the chair then on his shoulder. He put on Kingdom Hearts ending II, then... he put on Chase Coy - Take me Away. And that's when I began listening to the lyrics, and he got up from the chair and sat on the bed with me, and he held me so very tight, like he was really afraid to let go. He was crying, he didn't talk. For the first time, even though I've heard him cry once before, I finally see him cry. His tears that fill his eyes and drops down heavily and drips down my own face and arms. I told him that I loved him and that I always will, he's forever my Guardian Angel, and at least now we know this isn't a dream. It was overwhelming in a sense to see my own boyfriend cry. His tears, mixed with mine as both of ours fell onto our shirts and soaking them. Our hearts were getting so heavy. I couldn't even take it, I didn't want him to leave...

After an hour or so, he finally laid down and went to sleep, crying must have tired him out... and so I gave him a kiss on the cheek, played with his hair, and kissed him on the lips before I finished cleaning his laundry and getting all of his stuff together. He gave me one of his shirts, and I'm wearing it right now. And somehow for just a little bit, his shirt makes me feel like I have his arms around me, but its not the exact same, because in my room I feel so cold... without him, I feel so empty...

I sat there tired and wanting to sleep so badly, it was nearly 4am and I was trying to stay awake so I could get the time right to wake Dylon up to get ready. He slept so soundly, serenely, calmly, I wanted to cuddle with him and just sleep again and wake up in the morning to him. I watched the clock, paranoid hoping I get the time right but at the same time hoping that it moves so slow... every time I looked at the clock I sort of expect it to stay the same or move one minute more very slowly. but it moved few minutes after few minutes and it killed me more and more, my heart got so heavy and I heard every deep heartbeat and it was all in my throat...

While getting ready, Dylon was tearing up and I'm breaking down, snuggling my face into the bandana he gave me and hiding my face in the shirt he gave me that I was wearing. Inhaling his sweet scent knowing it's his. And his alone. He began to cry more again and it fell on my cheek, and it intertwined with mine, the warm tears, My heart... the strings being pulled, it hurts so much...
I reminded him over and over that I love him and I will always love him and that we have to be strong for each other, and that we can get through this. He held me again, and cried more, so did I.. during the car ride, holding each others hands tightly, his last time for now wrapping me in his arm, holding me, the last car ride for a short time but it feels like forever.

The waking moment of us walking down the carpet of the airport, holding hands, laced together, and at the moment I couldn't take it, I cried so hard. We said our last 'I love you's' They weren't the whole I love you, I love you too. We said each other's names, I love you Dylon, I love you Kitty... one last kiss... and slowly, so slowly in that one motion, our laced fingers loosened, I felt like my heart strings were being pulled teasingly. I looked him in his blue eyes, light greyish blue at the moment, not the same from the first time I saw him where they were ice deep sky blue. I took a look at our hands and we finally let go of each other, and I felt so broken inside...

I walked away slowly, crying more and more, sobbing hard, and took a last look through watery eyes, waving my fingers weakly at him. I wanted to run past everyone and jump in his arms and just stay in that moment forever. I wanted to be held in his arms one more time, No, I wanted to be held for a very long time and never let go of...

I walked back slowly, so very slowly, losing him in the crowd of people, as he got his ticket ready. I kept looking back, hoping there would be a problem, the engines blew up, the entire place shut down, someone popped a wire. My god... I felt like I was dying in a living body. I was suppose to go to Abbys, but I had no strength in me to bring myself to go...

On the car ride back, I walked in slowly, remembering how me and Dylon walked down the hallway together in and through my room, and it was so very dark in my room, when I opened the door slowly a huge wind of a scent of his cologne and his prescent was automatically inhaled into my lungs and I broke down... I got in my bed, snuggled in his shirt and tried to imagine him holding me in his arms in bed, crying for another couple hours as it was probably 6-7 maybe 8 in the morning then, I finally fell asleep, and I woke up to nothing.

And now, my heart still aches but I'm counting down the days till I finally get to see him again and pretty soon we'll be seeing each other more and more than anyone will ever think... ♥

Death is the new beginning

That's right, the old me is Dead and Gone! I am so happy and unbelievably ecstatic. My mind is so much clearer. And ever since just a couple days ago that Abby was teaching me how to rollerblade, now I'm going a little faster and just enjoying the air around me and just falling on my ass. I haven't given up and I never will. Rollerblading is just so much fun! I get to blow off so much steam and I'm so relaxed and even though I'm not great at it yet, it's worth the falls.

So, it's 11:11 at the moment and I am wishing that Dylon safely gets here since it's his first flight! That's right, Dylon is coming down and I am so excited to finally meet him. I'm anxious at the same time. I get to be in his arms and everything.

HOLY SHIT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WEAR.

I'm talking to Lindsey right now, she's leaving tomorrow too, ahh, I love her. >____< ♥♥♥
I hope she's safe on her trip even though I'll tell her but that's whats going on in my mind.
My thought about Lindsey right now blows my mind, talking to her, thinking about her right now and her new pictures on myspace and facebook, I mean, she's just so fucking beautiful.

I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

I don't think negatively in depression when I think about Diyahna anymore, it doesn't matter to me, all she gives me is a bad attitude and the impression that she doesn't want to hear from me, what's the point? I can't help her, she won't accept me and I'll get so much shit for even trying, it happens all the time. Maybe one day we'll cross and be friends, but for now, I'm sick of how she treats me. And I don't care who tells her, I know what she's said about me. It doesn't matter, I moved on.

I feel a lot better.

I was hanging out rollerblading with Abby, then we had Mcdonalds, and then we made videos with Cookie Monster puppet. Abby is sleeping over too, fun night fun night.

Dylon is coming down to see me, I am so excited, I love my baby<3
And then I get to see Amber, mucho fun hehehe.

Lindsey is by far a very great person in my life, I will never forget her...
I'm gonna fuckin put a picture of her in my memory box<3 lol.

Well, I'm so overwhelmed with happiness and excitement right now to type straight haha.

All I know is that I'm just a happy camper xD

Rainy<3

Apologizing is all I want to do

Now, I know. I found my reassurance, but I found it by doing the worst things possible to myself. It's like I couldn't find that when I was sober and just depressed. Drinking, wanting to smoke. This demon, the dreams.

Abby made this clear to me, Lindsey really made it clear to me
Everyone cares about me, I should suck it up
It's horrible how much of an emo bitch I've become.

After I tell you what's wrong with me

Will we go to sleep tonight?

Alright, so I had another bad nightmare, this time it did involve Dylon, and Amber and I woke up with thumb marks on my neck that didn't belong to me.

I was sitting on a dock with Dylon, we were holding hands and he giggling, chatting away. And then he looked at me and said: "Drowning?" And I didn't get what he meant but I didn't think anything of it. And then he had his hand on my left shoulder and he aggressively pulled me down and I laid on his lap. "Drowning, drowning??" My eyes were just like they were with Diyahna, black, dull, no life. Dylon softly put his hands on my neck and face and he threw my head into the water. Choking me, drowning me and inbetween trying to gasp and catch for air he kept asking me: "Are you drowning? Drowning...? Drowning...?"
I pulled my hands down to his wrist and broke off the bracelets I made him, and for some reason it went into a dramatic slow motion, the string coming undone, the beads falling all over the place, bouncing off the dock and into the river.

I finally fell back, and looked into the water, it was so pretty, and it had all that blueish tint reflecting from the sun and the cute little fishes. I felt remorse, and depression, angry at myself. I felt my warm tears fall into the river, it was so comforting to cry but I was entirely so upset...I wanted to wake up, or die, but again Nightmares always have a hold of you.
Amber ran over and threw Dylon across the dock and on the other side. My head laid hanging off the dock and I didn't bother to help myself, Amber didn't either, she just ran down the dock and jumped into the water. As for me I just laid there. No one helped me. My heart pounded slowly but very hard, and it hurt... I screamed holding my head digging my nails into my neck, sliding down my collar bones, red scratches, cat scratches, I was bleeding, and I cried hysterically.

I wanted help, I wanted someone there for me, I was scared, I knew myself in my dream, I knew I was getting hurt so many times. And no one was strong enough to hold me.

I know people are there for me, I KNOW for a fact there are people that do love me and want to help me if they could. But I just can't find it in me to keep trying, Forgetting my memory and a Coma is all I ever want anymore. I don't need to be bothered.

I do everything I can for Dylon. I did everything for him. Amber will always be my big sister, Nikki will always be in my memory, Sammi, Abby, those 2 will always remind me that I have to do good for them if they ever want to follow, as a big sister that's what I have to do. Lindsey, I depended on her for everything, I went to her with all my shit like any other person and even though she cares about me I bother her way too much.

And Diyahna, if I could ever have the chance to say I'm sorry, for whatever, everything I did, I would, but I'm so afraid of her yelling at me, telling me she's sick of me. She probably still really likes Dylon. And all I ever feel from her string is that she's ripping me out of every picture so that I'm not around.

I'm driving myself insane, and my only escape right now is this small glass of Straight Sky Vodka
The taste burns my throat, but I need to fade somehow.

When we go down, we go down together
So this ones for you my Dear.

Coma.

I really miss Diyahna. It seems that all I still get is her mad at me, I wanna message and say i'm sorry. But all I say is sorry. I woke up extremely groggy and Instead of 6:56, I could have sworn I literally saw the digits move rapidly landing on 666 before I opened my eyes. I think I attracted something, because it's breathing in my room and when I turn around I hear it but I can't see it.

I had a dream that me and Diyahna were in a room, maybe hers. It was covered in band posters, drawings, little notes. We were in her bed, sitting face to face, talking, laughing. And then she fell off her bed laughing but as I was laughing, our voices weren't together, I realized she had stopped. I looked over and all she had was a gun jabbed to my throat. She was hysterically crying, angry at me. I looked at her solemnly, and I could see my eyes, they were dull, but dark, no life, pitch black dark. I closed my eyes as the only tear that left, and she shot me. And I was still breathing but hardly, heavily. She yelled at me, she cursed at me, kicked me in my side, and I woke up to a singing pain in my side. She told me I left her. She told me that I didn't deserve Dylon. She called me a whore, a bitch, in the worst way possible.

And the bad part was I didn't die, I looked up at the cieling, dead eyes, clenching my fists, I kept hearing her and hearing her, saying all these things, I wouldn't die. Nor would I wake up just yet.
I guess that's one thing about nightmares, they don't let you wake up, ever.

She was extremley unhappy with me, and even though she shot my throat, I gasped for air and choked up blood and all I could say was; "You can't forgive me can you, the pain I feel was all for you"
And she stopped, her eyes disappeared in a shadow behind her bangs, and disappeared like a character in the scene of a play.

I was numb, hurt and angry, at myself. I called Dylon's name... He wasn't there. Not tonight, not in this dream tonight.
Was that the last time I'll ever hear from Diyahna? Her voice?

Remember how I always said I wanted to be in a coma, wake up, maybe forget everything? Right now, despite my love for Dylon, my friends, Lindsey, Abby, Amber, Nikki, Sammi, everyone.

I just want to fade...

I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more

My thoughts of life are so mixed. Lately I've been happy talking to Dylon but him barely answering me makes me feel a little neglected. Childish? I think so.

I've been thinking about Diyahna ever since I found out her and Dylon hung out. I asked Dylon if she said or asked anything about me. Honestly, I wish she did, because I was hoping that she still cared about me. I still feel so stupid for missing and still loving her. I'm in remorse for ever saying I'm letting go of our friendship. Now I have her disliking me in the geatest way possible. An enemy, whose even in love with the boy I've given my heart to. It's like as if it makes me so angry. Like I want to yell at her for lying to me, I mean, what the hell she said she didn't want to see Dylon. And now I see she's smitten all over him. It makes me cry more than angry. To me such Anger can not comply. It's just horrible, and every time I see her page on facebook, the only thing I see that always gets me always hurts me; "wow this is only hopeless eff it. you are alwas going to like the girl that is about a million miles away. Whatever."

It's like I don't get enough of her saying things like that. I guess she'll never truly know me anyway. I'm so scared to send her my drawings and the necklace I made her. Only knowing that she'll throw it away, break it, rip it all apart. At least that's how I imagine it, and it's like ripping a part of me away.

I wonder about Dylon sometimes, like all the cute girls in his area. I can never take seeing him with another girl, yet even getting close, it makes me jealous. Because I want to be the only girl he says I love you to, holds on to and only the one he's attracted to. I don't know whether to feel guilty or not for having him blow off and break up with the few girls that he broke up with me for. It's like I don't let them have a chance with him. I mean if he's in a relationship, I can't let him have the time to be with them. But still, I always want to be his number one girl. The only one in his life to call his princess. no one else.

It's so cold in the room. And lately I've been feeling very horny. Probably very innappropriate thing to talk about. But I've been wanting a taste of Dylon's body for a while now. And just fantasizing while I find myself dripping wet isn't doing anything. I'm just wanting a nice good hard fuck and it's crazy. Raging, raging, raging hormones.

Lately, I've also been feeling sick of eating, I've been drinking a lot of water and when I want to eat I wait a bit and then when I feel that I'm just about to start chowing down, I feel sick.
Last night was different though, I was out for sushi with Sammi, I missed that girl. I hate that boy Bobby, he's going to die, we will never be friends.

Hopefully seeing Dylon soon. I can't wait. I'm anxious as hell.

I need to work out, I feel fat.

I hate my mom's boyfriend.

He thinks it's fucking funny to make fun of my relationship, even if me and Dylon aren't really together, HE THINKS IT'S FUCKING FUNNY THAT I'M IN LOVE?
The fact that we're a year apart, and that he's in a different state?
He thinks it's funny that I ACTUALLY LOVE SOMEONE?
I'm 15, not 12, I'm not a little kid. I can actually do fine with things.

Fuck you dude, you're the only thing stopping me right now.

If I could turn the tables.

If I could break a guys heart for once in my life.
I just wonder what it would be like once if I could just break a boy's heart.
I've never done so in my life.

I'm the only one who takes the pain, I rather be hurt, hurt myself, than hurt others.

But lately all of that seems so numb to me, but at the same time, it gets me asphyxiated.

You wouldn't know love if it crushed your fucking chest.

I haven't posted anything in detail of Life and stuff lately...

So, I found out that Dylon actually smoked cigarettes for a while now, I was disappointed, but I can't do anything about it.
I can't stop him, I have nothing to say to him, and plus, I've done it myself, I did smoke, but I never craved it, I'm not addicted and I am not doing it again, and I regret myself. Yeah, I really do. I still feel like a disappointment from Dylon that one day saying that He couldn't believe that I was once this young innocent girl, and now here I am. I smoked, I drink rarely and I believe I have a bad personality, I shouldn't complain, I can change. But every time I think about me 2 years before. I feel horrible, like I still want to be that sweet colorful little girl to Dylon, to Amber, Nikki, everyone.

I feel like a huge disappointment, and I am in remorse for it.
If anyone knew me Amber and Dylon would say something about it, I was always giddy, when I was depressed I would get right back on track with techno and candy. My style was colorful I was all about the rainbow and raves. Dylon was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, all the things he said to me, I... I can't ever forget them. But... When he speaks to me now, I remember what he said, and when I see him in my mind, all I can say is, I believe him anyways.
Because for the most part were promises, broken, I don't blame him, I know he'll probably read this but I REALLY don't blame him, I'm too far for him, but I know he loves me hopefully ♥.

I just want to get faded, stare out the window watching everything in slow motion again. I don't even know who I am at all anymore, I know what I've done my name's Napelah.
But I can't seem to find it in me, or create who I am.

Lately, I just feel like I'm losing, like I'm always losing Dylon to some other girl, and it's because I'm not even there. It's as if I have to hear him say why he loves me often for me to feel alright.

And at the same time, it's his free doing, again, I don't control him. But I always want to call him my Baby boy. Just like me, I always want to be his baby girl, I miss it when he calls me all the cute names. Especially Princess. In his silly playful voice, he'd call me Princess and be goofy.

To be honest, when he would call me Princess, especially when at times it's usually baby or Kitty, etc, at my worst times, our worst times, he would call me Princess
I remember the way he sent me ims at 2 in the morning on AIM...
I wouldn't answer him, he was pissed, I was out of it.
I couldn't, I don't know.

But something about this makes me remember the very first time someone tried to get rid of me
And he got angry that someone would really be so stupid as to get rid of me, out of his life, make me cry. And he was angry, absolutely angry, he snapped and everything, and I remember his words, but I imagine his voice saying them all the time: "I'd never want you to leave my life" , "If I wanted you out, I would tell you" , "I love you, when I speak with you, when I'm with you, I'm at peace" , "I'd never take advantage of an Angel like you"

Sweet nothings whisper across his lips, and I still believe his word. He's the only one who protects me anymore, my Guardian Angel.

But to me, to him, I am no Angel, I am nothing that I see is beautiful or perfect in his eyes, because I'm a totally different person. Even if I do have imperfections, I'm just stupid for even talking like this.

How heart-trending, it's agitating. Maybe it'll be different when I'm in his arms finally. I can hear his words while I'm there, press my face and nuzzle into his chest and just be held in his arms, and if I could hear him say he loves me, I wouldn't ever want that moment to ever end...

*•.¸¸.•*♡*•.¸¸.•*♡*• .¸¸.•*♡*•.¸¸.•*♡*•.¸ *•.¸¸.•*♡*•.¸¸.•*♡*• .¸¸.•*♡*•.¸¸.•*♡*•.¸¸.•*

So, Abby slept over, and I am now a Japanese Visual Kei kid, haha, by the looks of my hair. She left a while ago, I miss her. and then my body started hurting, I could barely eat my Happy Kids Meal, but hey, I got a sick toy, Ice Age inspired, and I got Scrat, I love my new toy, I've been playing with it now for 7 hours...

I need something real

I want that kiss to be real, held in his arms to be real, Everything I ever imagined of being with him,
To be absolutely real.

My closed mind is distorted instability

It was the same thing every night.
I ran through the field, it was a warm summer breeze. It was unlike my own nature to be completely vintage, I was wearing a breezy dress and my hair was long and natural midnight black, waving softly in the wind. I was smiling. I ran softly through the field and tripped purposely to fall backward in the soft grass, the sun felt sweet against my tan skin. I got up like something just hit me, I sit up and crawl back a little, surprised to see it again. The old broken shed house. Everything was oblivion, the field was the same, the weather... the same? Maybe. I ran to the house, I walked around the house, and I realized I didn't feel any wind against me, I put my hand up against what seemed to be a wall, a big cardboard wall of the field, the sky. Just a painted picture. I pushed it, and it fell down flat. I didn't go around the shed, I didn't go in. It didn't feel right.
I ran away.
I tried to run through the field, being completely as far away as possible from the shed house. Hoping that I'd stay away from it, I can be happy in the field. But... after my eyes set on it, nothing seemed real. The grass was dry and felt like straw. The wind was cold against my skin, my cheeks, like night cold wind air, icey, burning my eyes, making them water. The sun didn't even feel like a sun, it just seemed like a light bulb that was turned on in a room. My skin began to literally crack and break apart, I didn't become hysterical, I didn't do anything but watch. Just watch. I wasn't bleeding, when the pieces of me broke off, I didn't see my insides, no veins, no blood, nothing. But as the pieces fell, they became digital, static. I heard a piece drop into laughter, the good kind of laughter, with friends, but when it dropped it disappeared, like a rain drop hitting water. Another small piece, I heard a familiar Hello. A male voice, was he from school, did I pass him when I walked by somewhere? It didn't matter, the piece disappeared. A big piece came off, I was hearing my own voice "Wanna say hi to daddy? He's on the phone" and then it went into static and disappeared. Was I losing my self concious, my rights, my own self? I didn't want to but I did, I lost myself.

Like I was under stress, pressured, gravitational stress, I yelled. And it was as if I was being pulled back, I then realize I couldn't struggle. My arms were uncomfortably locked to me. I looked around in a room, with a table. One light, a door that didn't seem visible since it was the same color as the walls with no designs, pictures, nothing. I fell forward slowly, my hair in my face, looking up I saw a man, his figure seemed familiar, but his eyes were covered by the glare in his glasses. I realized I was in a stray jacket. Looking down my legs looked thinner. On the table was a mirror facing me, I looked into it. To see my face, looked thinner, seems like I haven't eaten correctly in a few weeks, my long hair, covering one side of my face. I looked sad, my eyes were gold. I looked up and I couldn't believe it. With a shocked, out of breath timid and scratched voice I let out in a whisper, "It's you..."

But when I wake up, I don't remember his face... ever.

I just realized something

I pretty much miss the fireworks this year
for the first time in 15 years.
Oh well, not a big deal
Though I wish I did have some sparklers at least...

I read something...

That has made me cry so bad.
I read Dylon's new blog post, and I began to smile reading, and I giggled softly to myself reading my name since it said that he had a dream, that had to do with me.
I kept reading but then I began to lose my happy place, my smile, I kept reading on to his dream, and immediately I started crying. Especially the part where I read that he breaks the bracelets that I made him. If I went through any trouble to make something so simple and give him those bracelets, it would break my heart if they weren't on his wrists anymore.

A dream is a dream, I would never let that happen though, I can't ever find myself next to another guy in any way, I'm no longer physically or emotionally attracted to any other guy but Dylon.

Something my mom said while we were at the airport in Detroit bothered me so much.
She was talking about when we finally meet Dylon that I shouldn't jump on him and act crazy. Because it seems like he has nothing to offer me, just because he couldn't even get "5 dollars to buy a phone card to call and talk to me even though I was in Thailand"
He has his reasons whether he had money or not. She talked about how much I truly love him and he's my first love and that I do everything for him, but her question was, what does he do for me, and I didn't answer her.
She doesn't know Dylon, or what kind of a guy he is. Besides the money and riches I don't look forward to it, sure, a necklace and a diamond ring totally catches me, makes me think and believe that he bought it for me, he wants to spoil me, and it's a gift.
But him being my Guardian Angel is all that makes me happy.

And I still didn't answer my mom.
Because the song on my ipod was bringing me back, and everything moved slowly before my eyes...

I'm nearly, sort of, almost home...

So, I'm sitting here with my cousin, charging my ipod on her laptop, waiting for the few hours that I have left in Thailand to leave here back to America.
I have to admit I miss my dogs and my Aunts the most, my little cousins were alright, for an entire month, I guess I got more stuck to loving people more because I never know what will happen in the minute, the day, nothing.

Especially since my cousin is sick, and is still crying at the fact that I'm gone for another very long time, I said I wouldn't be back until I may possibly be engaged. Or... if on purpose my mom decides to be paranoid again, which is not a good thing.

Bottom Line Fact: 97% of ASIAN PARENTS are HIGHLY PARANOID.

Well, I'm anxious, I get to see Dylon soon, I don't know what I'm going to do, I wouldn't pass any second of my chance with him. I have so much to say to him, I most likely really do, I mean, since December 15th 2007, just me and him, my true best friend, my lover. It's been a while, and I'd do anything for him. I'd give up a lot just as I've always been for him, everything was for him, I spoiled him differently instead of money and riches.

Actually, before I even met and went out with Dylon, I was totally single for about 10-11 months, I was entirely happy, carefree, fun and fancy free. Didn't care what came my way, depression came and went, I didn't have much problem with anything except for my insomnia. But still, at the time when I dreamt of a real boyfriend one day because all of my ex's fucked me over, left me for another girl, cheated on me, left me because I wasn't good enough, that I could do something better with someone else, I mean, I feel like the only one trying in a relationship.

I wanted to see that one day I'd have a guy who would tell me why I'm beautiful in the smallest and big things, scream me any song from the bands that literally make my heart melt, or sing a song that puts me to sleep in their arms, tells me they love me instead of me being the one to say it all the time. And since I always have a spazzy, cutesy omfgiwanttostabher kind of bubbly attitude, I'd love for the guy to make cute names and noises with me, who'll go back and forth with me with our nicknames, and just cuddle and wrestle, playfight.

To be honest, my relationship with Dylon started out that way, I still do all the voices and calling him all the cute names, but he doesn't really do it back, or all the time, he's a little more grown up for it now, I feel as though my personality doesn't run through to be the reason why he wants to be with me, but then again, I don't believe that.
And also, I'm perfectly fine being in a boyfriend+girlfriend relationship with Dylon however it turns out.
And, I guess... I'm pretty much fine with being best friends when we're not together.
but, it's always a huge problem when there's another girl in the story, I never know whay I'd be able to do. I feel that I always lose to other girls, like they're so much better, prettier, everything 10x more than me. i guess that's what makes me want to walk away all the time...

So

I'm going home in a few days, I'm actually wanting the days to go by very quickly. So I can run into my house, jump in my own soft bed and call Dylon, hoping to speak with him all night long.

I feel so much better though, still sort of shitty from being here, but I feel so much happier. :D
Although I miss Dylon, Lindsey and Amber mostest right now >:

Dylon's gone for the weekend, don't think I'll be able to talk to him ): Wahhh.
I wanna hear his voice, I miss him bunches. T.T

No one's online, which is sort of eh, no one really talks >_<
Gonna try to be social on the net for a bit.
Until i find something to type about.
:D

Happy July!

Sadly I won't be able to see the fireworks, I'm leaving next week on the 8th back to America though.
And I can finally say goobye to Thailand for good and pack again to go see Dylon. I love him so much, that kid makes me smile like no other.
I can't wait for those morning moments like these ♥


My eyes are bloodshot red, I look like I just chainedsmoked more than a few boxes of cancer sticks, it hurts like hell. But hopefully I'll clear up after I actually sleep.

I spoke to Dylon earlier, sadly not for a long time, he's going to his great grandfather's funeral, it's sad, and worse is he is one of those to carry the casket. I would hate to do that. Funerals are so sickening, I wouldn't want to see a dead body with no rib cage or a heart anymore, that's nothing but skin and water. It's sickening.

I'm actually starting to miss my long hair, I cut 4 inches off because of the fact that it's hot in Florida, I would get so sick of my hair sticking to my body, not managable and the heat has already damaged my beautiful hair! My blonde looks gross, my hair is fried, it's disgusting, I wonder if it just looks better black with slight blonde streaks, would you freak if I went all blonde? ;)
I'm actually thinking about bleaching all of my hair so that I can be a one based color, maybe some shocking blue and hot bubble gum pink? ;) ♥ Oh yes. And who knows, since I'll look like cotton candy maybe I'll be even more edible to Dylon, bheheheheh, okay I'll stop. No but I'm serious, and my hair grows really fast, it'll be longer now since I cut it all fresh and everything, I love cutting and dying my hair.

I've got a few hair color ideas and this is what I may want to do
Blue + Gray/white
Jet blue/midnight blue/black
Turquoise + purple
Whiteblonde + Black + Turquoise
Gold brown
White blonde

I guess that's it for now til I figure something out, new hair when I get back home and so many things to see, Dylon to do (lmfao) and such.
Oh shenanigans

A few famous people died, they keep dying
I swear, someone has a hold of the Death Note.
Writing the names down for a heart attack
And detailed descriptions of their death in 7 minutes and 40 seconds...
>=]

Oh and I found this under LOL on photobucket
It scares me.
but at the same time the "cervix" makes me giggle, i think...
THAT'S WAHT THEY LOOK LIKE?!

I'm a dissapointment.

"It's sad that you were once this innocent girl and now I have you smoking"

That's what Dylon said.
I do remember when I was all full of glitters and cupcakes
and sugar coated all over
full of color
and always always always ecstatic
without rollin and drifting high

I wish I could do better
I feel like he's so highly disappointed in me

I'm actually sick of all the dark depressive shit
I need to get out of it
I want to party
Keep listening to my techno and hardstyle day and night
just like i aways have

I vowed that at the beginning of the year no matter what shit happens, even if I am a little unorganized mess. And I told myself that I'd let things happen and keep up, especially with Dylon no matter what he put me through. I vowed to be forever happy. I'm sick of the messed up friendships and them lying and talking shit about me, I'm sick of being depressed and having negative emotions.

I'm starting new, for the better, for God, me, Dylon and everyone else.