Will we go to sleep tonight?
Alright, so I had another bad nightmare, this time it did involve Dylon, and Amber and I woke up with thumb marks on my neck that didn't belong to me.
I was sitting on a dock with Dylon, we were holding hands and he giggling, chatting away. And then he looked at me and said: "Drowning?" And I didn't get what he meant but I didn't think anything of it. And then he had his hand on my left shoulder and he aggressively pulled me down and I laid on his lap. "Drowning, drowning??" My eyes were just like they were with Diyahna, black, dull, no life. Dylon softly put his hands on my neck and face and he threw my head into the water. Choking me, drowning me and inbetween trying to gasp and catch for air he kept asking me: "Are you drowning? Drowning...? Drowning...?"
I pulled my hands down to his wrist and broke off the bracelets I made him, and for some reason it went into a dramatic slow motion, the string coming undone, the beads falling all over the place, bouncing off the dock and into the river.
I finally fell back, and looked into the water, it was so pretty, and it had all that blueish tint reflecting from the sun and the cute little fishes. I felt remorse, and depression, angry at myself. I felt my warm tears fall into the river, it was so comforting to cry but I was entirely so upset...I wanted to wake up, or die, but again Nightmares always have a hold of you.
Amber ran over and threw Dylon across the dock and on the other side. My head laid hanging off the dock and I didn't bother to help myself, Amber didn't either, she just ran down the dock and jumped into the water. As for me I just laid there. No one helped me. My heart pounded slowly but very hard, and it hurt... I screamed holding my head digging my nails into my neck, sliding down my collar bones, red scratches, cat scratches, I was bleeding, and I cried hysterically.
I wanted help, I wanted someone there for me, I was scared, I knew myself in my dream, I knew I was getting hurt so many times. And no one was strong enough to hold me.
I know people are there for me, I KNOW for a fact there are people that do love me and want to help me if they could. But I just can't find it in me to keep trying, Forgetting my memory and a Coma is all I ever want anymore. I don't need to be bothered.
I do everything I can for Dylon. I did everything for him. Amber will always be my big sister, Nikki will always be in my memory, Sammi, Abby, those 2 will always remind me that I have to do good for them if they ever want to follow, as a big sister that's what I have to do. Lindsey, I depended on her for everything, I went to her with all my shit like any other person and even though she cares about me I bother her way too much.
And Diyahna, if I could ever have the chance to say I'm sorry, for whatever, everything I did, I would, but I'm so afraid of her yelling at me, telling me she's sick of me. She probably still really likes Dylon. And all I ever feel from her string is that she's ripping me out of every picture so that I'm not around.
I'm driving myself insane, and my only escape right now is this small glass of Straight Sky Vodka
The taste burns my throat, but I need to fade somehow.
I was sitting on a dock with Dylon, we were holding hands and he giggling, chatting away. And then he looked at me and said: "Drowning?" And I didn't get what he meant but I didn't think anything of it. And then he had his hand on my left shoulder and he aggressively pulled me down and I laid on his lap. "Drowning, drowning??" My eyes were just like they were with Diyahna, black, dull, no life. Dylon softly put his hands on my neck and face and he threw my head into the water. Choking me, drowning me and inbetween trying to gasp and catch for air he kept asking me: "Are you drowning? Drowning...? Drowning...?"
I pulled my hands down to his wrist and broke off the bracelets I made him, and for some reason it went into a dramatic slow motion, the string coming undone, the beads falling all over the place, bouncing off the dock and into the river.
I finally fell back, and looked into the water, it was so pretty, and it had all that blueish tint reflecting from the sun and the cute little fishes. I felt remorse, and depression, angry at myself. I felt my warm tears fall into the river, it was so comforting to cry but I was entirely so upset...I wanted to wake up, or die, but again Nightmares always have a hold of you.
Amber ran over and threw Dylon across the dock and on the other side. My head laid hanging off the dock and I didn't bother to help myself, Amber didn't either, she just ran down the dock and jumped into the water. As for me I just laid there. No one helped me. My heart pounded slowly but very hard, and it hurt... I screamed holding my head digging my nails into my neck, sliding down my collar bones, red scratches, cat scratches, I was bleeding, and I cried hysterically.
I wanted help, I wanted someone there for me, I was scared, I knew myself in my dream, I knew I was getting hurt so many times. And no one was strong enough to hold me.
I know people are there for me, I KNOW for a fact there are people that do love me and want to help me if they could. But I just can't find it in me to keep trying, Forgetting my memory and a Coma is all I ever want anymore. I don't need to be bothered.
I do everything I can for Dylon. I did everything for him. Amber will always be my big sister, Nikki will always be in my memory, Sammi, Abby, those 2 will always remind me that I have to do good for them if they ever want to follow, as a big sister that's what I have to do. Lindsey, I depended on her for everything, I went to her with all my shit like any other person and even though she cares about me I bother her way too much.
And Diyahna, if I could ever have the chance to say I'm sorry, for whatever, everything I did, I would, but I'm so afraid of her yelling at me, telling me she's sick of me. She probably still really likes Dylon. And all I ever feel from her string is that she's ripping me out of every picture so that I'm not around.
I'm driving myself insane, and my only escape right now is this small glass of Straight Sky Vodka
The taste burns my throat, but I need to fade somehow.
When we go down, we go down together
So this ones for you my Dear.
So this ones for you my Dear.
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