I tried to kill the pain, but only brought more

My thoughts of life are so mixed. Lately I've been happy talking to Dylon but him barely answering me makes me feel a little neglected. Childish? I think so.

I've been thinking about Diyahna ever since I found out her and Dylon hung out. I asked Dylon if she said or asked anything about me. Honestly, I wish she did, because I was hoping that she still cared about me. I still feel so stupid for missing and still loving her. I'm in remorse for ever saying I'm letting go of our friendship. Now I have her disliking me in the geatest way possible. An enemy, whose even in love with the boy I've given my heart to. It's like as if it makes me so angry. Like I want to yell at her for lying to me, I mean, what the hell she said she didn't want to see Dylon. And now I see she's smitten all over him. It makes me cry more than angry. To me such Anger can not comply. It's just horrible, and every time I see her page on facebook, the only thing I see that always gets me always hurts me; "wow this is only hopeless eff it. you are alwas going to like the girl that is about a million miles away. Whatever."

It's like I don't get enough of her saying things like that. I guess she'll never truly know me anyway. I'm so scared to send her my drawings and the necklace I made her. Only knowing that she'll throw it away, break it, rip it all apart. At least that's how I imagine it, and it's like ripping a part of me away.

I wonder about Dylon sometimes, like all the cute girls in his area. I can never take seeing him with another girl, yet even getting close, it makes me jealous. Because I want to be the only girl he says I love you to, holds on to and only the one he's attracted to. I don't know whether to feel guilty or not for having him blow off and break up with the few girls that he broke up with me for. It's like I don't let them have a chance with him. I mean if he's in a relationship, I can't let him have the time to be with them. But still, I always want to be his number one girl. The only one in his life to call his princess. no one else.

It's so cold in the room. And lately I've been feeling very horny. Probably very innappropriate thing to talk about. But I've been wanting a taste of Dylon's body for a while now. And just fantasizing while I find myself dripping wet isn't doing anything. I'm just wanting a nice good hard fuck and it's crazy. Raging, raging, raging hormones.

Lately, I've also been feeling sick of eating, I've been drinking a lot of water and when I want to eat I wait a bit and then when I feel that I'm just about to start chowing down, I feel sick.
Last night was different though, I was out for sushi with Sammi, I missed that girl. I hate that boy Bobby, he's going to die, we will never be friends.

Hopefully seeing Dylon soon. I can't wait. I'm anxious as hell.

I need to work out, I feel fat.