I'm done with the internet for a while.

I'm gonna go to school, go to work, come home, repeat.

It's going to be a long time till then...
I wish I didn't sulk all this time.
Then maybe I would be there.

Four Days as it is...

I wonder... is this the end then?

Dearly Beloved

I played this song on the piano just for you
Ever since you showed me the song
I've always pushed myself to study and make sure I get it right
Just to play it perfectly for you
I'm not sure if you'll get to hear it...
But it's probably one of the best things I can ever do

I've practiced my drawing skills so I can draw your details perfectly
Yet no matter how any 'better' I may possibly get,
none of my work is great because you're better than the real thing
You're the perfect master piece

I practiced a song on the guitar for you
too bad you'll never get to hear it though..
By the time I actually show you, I've probably have forgotten
But I still know the words, so can I sing them to you?
If that's alright, please excuse my terrible singing voice

I'm still making something
It may take a while
Day, Night, all my time, whatever it takes
This is something I wanted to make
out of the cuts and tears it gives in my fragile little fingers
Just because, I wanted to give them to you, for Christmas

It's just around the corner, and all I ever wanted was you
What do you want for Christmas?

Holy shit

I'm so tired..
I want to go home...

i'm so stupid!

Wow, I know he loves me, I know he does.
Thinking back, he said he's waiting to give his own virginity to me.
And I am too.
That's... pretty committed if I say so myself.
God I'm an idiot.

I'm going to school.

I never realized

That I was that bad...
He won't talk to me, but he never said he wanted me out of his life.
So I'm still his friend, right?

Best friend... right?

I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm always going to be there for him. Always. I'd do anything for him. But I suppose he wants his space. I should have given him a break. I shouldn't have cried so much that afternoon... I wanted to become someone he'd be proud of. Even more, selfishly I just wanted to be his number one girl, his true best friend like we were since we met. I've become less than a woman than I truly am and now that I've put something upon myself that I regret. I guess somehow it's alright to me. Just got to keep working hard.

Hey, if you're reading this, I love you mon cheri.

You are the one who always makes me smile.

121507 - This is the day that I met and have been with the best kid in the entire universe who means the absolute world to me, and I could care less of what you say, he's my true best friend. I've cried for you, I've smiled for you, I've laughed for you, and I went out of way without intention or thought to change for you. You've taught me a lot of things and I would never forget all the times we shared. Every inside joke, every heart-to-heart conversation, all the arguments we never thought we would have that bring us here now. These words aren't even the end... one day I want to tell you everything, absolutely everything, but only when we're looking in each others eyes, forget about the world, me you on a roof, and wait for the sunrise. I'll meet you at the coast 1215--

My Guardian Angel, my true best friend and my Guide in Life. He means more than the universe does to me. More than everything to me. Distance sucks but the friendship we hold is what keeps me strong enough to keep hoping that I can break this forsaken distance and be with you. You're perfect to me, and you're awesome, you're an idiot sometimes and I yell at you for it but you still love me right? I'm sorry I've been a bitch and an asshole all those times and for bitchy fights we had, and I'm going to make it up to you, I'd do anything for you and I'm not going back on my word. I'm better off with you than anyone else, you know me better than I know myself, inside and out, and no one else does, you're just special to me.

Forgive me I'm trying to find, my calling I'm calling at night...

I don't mean to bother
but have you seen this boy?
He's been running through my dreams
and it's driving me crazy it seems

If you could cuddle with anyone right now, who would you pick?
Kiba.

Where was your default taken?
I don't remember.

What did you do last night?
I don't remember.

What were you up to at 11pm last night?
Talking to Jose on the phone.

Last thing you illegally did?
I am not sure.

Do you have any bruises?
Sadly enough.

When was the last time you had butterflies?
Now.

How's your life lately?
i can't bitch

Would you kiss anyone of your myspace friends?
I have and I'd do it again.

Last time you saw your best friend?
July.

Do you have a dishwasher?
Never use it.

If all of your friends were going on a road trip, who would most likely over pack?
Me.

What is one thing that always needs to be in the fridge?
Orange Juice and Apples.

What smells better? Gasoline or Permanent markers?
Gasoline.

Do you have any feelings for anyone right now?
Always have and always will.

Do you eat whip cream straight out of the can?
Ew, no.

Taco Bell or Olive Garden?
Taco Bell.

On a tortilla chip, do you like salsa or cheese?
Either or.

Is plaid totally awesome?
No, it's not my taste with the insane fashion trends and what kind of shirts they're being made into.

Getting your blood drawn or getting a shot?
Either or.<3

Why did you cry the last time you did?
Don't worry about it, it's none of your concern.

Do you like the song "I Kissed A Girl" by Katy Perry?
No, I don't enjoy it at all.

Could you eat nothing but grilled cheese for a week straight?
That is gross, I rather not eat a week straight.

Who were you with at 12:00am? What were you doing?
I truly don't remember, but I do know I was speaking on the phone with Jose.

Would you rather live in Alaska, or Texas?
Neither, I rather be dead.

Did you mean it when you said "I love you" last?
I never say those precious words if I don't mean it.

What are you looking forward to in the next 4 days?
Working hard to get what I need.

Don't you hate waiting for someone to show up somewhere?
I do but anything for them.

What's your view on taking risks?
I'm reckless.

How many people have you liked in the past 8 months?
One.

What was the first thing you thought this morning?
I need him with me again.

What makes you happy?
Whatever can make me smile, simple things make me happy.

How do you know the last person you were in a car with?
She's my mother.

Where were you at 10:17 pm last night?
I don't remember.

Besides this, what are you doing right now?
Overwhelmingly being emotional.

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow?
It's Sunday, It's my lazy day.

Who will be the first person you call tomorrow?
Probably Jose.

Has your best friend ever seen you naked?
Of course.

Are you a bitch?
Never.

Would you like to put this night on repeat, and live it forever?
No, I'll go insane.

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today?
Nothing great at all...

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
I don't even know if I'll have children.

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years?
I'm not sure.

Are you waiting for something?
I am.

What do you wear to bed?
His shirt and shorts, panties or nothing.

Have you ever snuggled with someone you weren't dating?
Yes.

When was the last time you and an opposite sex hugged?
God, seems like forever.

Can you touch your toes?
Yes.

Do you take walks often?
I do.

Are you afraid to grow up?
I'm afraid of other things than this.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
I was upset this morning.

What is your MySpace song?
Everyheart by Boa.

What are you listening to at the moment?
Pitbull :: The Anthem.

Who did you last get into a big argument with?
No one.

Do you have a best friend to lean on?
No, I'm not putting my gravity on him anymore.

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning?
Sleeping.

Do you like to have long hair or short hair?
Short hair.

Would you prefer a baby boy or girl?
Baby boy, but I will love either or.

What was the weather like today?
Bliss.

Do you want to cut your hair?
Yes.

What was the last thing you hid?
My sadness.

Is there someone you'd like to fix things with?
So much.

Last time someone yelled at you?
Today.

What did you do this afternoon?
You don't want to know.

Last time you were truly sad?
Now.

What kind of mood are you in?
Desperate help.

Do you like your life as of now?
Not sure.

Are you tired right now?
Very tired.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I've done longer.

Do you have any siblings?
None are fully related but yes, that I do.

What should you be doing right now?
Getting money.

Are you a heavy sleeper?
Not at all, but I can ignore you very well.

When was the last time something bothered you?
Right now.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months?
I know I can, I can last longer.

Are looks in a boy/girl important?
they're important, but not everything they just go a long way and I'm sorry I'm shallow.

Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
i would.

What was the first thing you did this morning?
Hug my Dalmatian.

Do you drink lots of water?
A lot more than you.

Are you a mama's child or a daddy's child?
Daddy's Little Girl for Life.

Is anything alive in your room?
Everything is dead here.

I was so happy when you smiled

You always tell me I'm so reckless
You're always doing things by yourself
I'm proud that you're strong, I'm glad you can do it by yourself
But no matter what I'm still by your side
And that's where I'll stay forever, and I'm never going back on these words
I'll remember it forever
Remember that okay?

Oh, and smile for me, please.

I wanna write his name in the sky.

What are your chances of getting with the person you like?
Right now, I'm not sure, I've been a horrible "Best friend".

What are you listening to currently?
The Scene Aesthetic - Beauty in the Breakdown.

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
No, I don't have any secrets.

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
At night feels better after a long day.

Do you always answer your phone?
Yeah.

Are you good at math?
I try

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend?
Yeah.

Does the future scare you?
Not really, we all end up alone anyways.

When was the last time you had starbucks?
I don't know, I like little home coffee places better.

Who was the last person that made you cry?
Well, it was both mine and his fault.

Are you ticklish?
Yeah

Do you crack your knuckles?
My bones crack on their own.

Where were you last night at midnight?
Here sadly.

Did you speak to your mother today?
No.

Where is your sibling(s) right now?
Work.

Who's bothering you right now?
No one.

Anything you're giving up on?
I am trying NOT to give up on my own life.

Have you lost friends in the past year?
No.

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Yes

Who do you tell everything to?
Dylon.

Looking back, did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy/girl?
No...

What was the last reason you were mad?
That I'm horrible.

Where do you want to go?
Six Feet Under.

What time did you go to sleep last night?
I don't know.

What time did you wake up today?
I'm not sure.

Have you ever been given an engagement ring?
Heh... not really, but let's pretend it is.

Have you ever tried to break someone up?
I couldn't do that to anyone. Even if I wanted to

Dark hair or light hair in the opposite sex?
Dark

What was your dream about last night?
Him not answering me.

Are you in a relationship?
No.

Do you miss someone?
So very much.

What were you doing an hour ago?
throwing up.

Last person you were on the phone with that wasn't family? What was the conversation?
Jose, just long long talks about a lot of stuff.

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?
No.

Are you a mean person?
Never.

Can a boy and girl be friends without having feelings for each other?
Duh.

What's something that bothers you about girls?
When they degrade themselves.

Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
I have some piercings, but I'd like some ink soon.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?
No, Ryan is a sweetheart.

Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
What does it matter?

Are your grades as good as they should be?
Well, except for this one class.

How far away is the person you miss?
1300 miles away.

Are you currently looking forward to anything?
Somehow.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
No.

What does your 18th text message say and who's it from?
I'm not sure, I don't have a phone right now.

What is the last thing you did before bed last night?
I don't really remember.

Who do you text the most?
Right now, Jose.

Have you ever kissed someone in a vehicle?
Yeah.

Do you think you'll ever get a tattoo?
Fuck yeah.

Is there anyone you want to come see you?
So much.

Do you believe in true love?
I do.

Is there something you're looking forward to this month?
This month is almost over.

Why did you last cry?
Making him feel worse, not being his girlfriend, not being someone he wants to be with because he can't, he could... but he can't. And I feel worthless.

Have you ever kissed someone who was high?
Yeah

Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground & carry you?
I'm too fat now.

Is there something that's happened in your past that you hate talking about?
Always.

Has someone put their arm around you in the past 5 days?
No.

Are you one of those people who are always cold?
Yes.

Have you ever met someone who is amazing?
Dylon ♥

Is your room ever clean?
Soso.

Could you date someone taller then you?
Always.

Are you comfortable with your height?
Yeah.

Does anybody hate you?
Don't really care.

Would you rather be rich or in love?
Neither, I'll die either way.

Well, time to let go.

A better world for me and you.

Lindsey Gussler ♥♥♥ 112709

you know, i miss you. so much. i wanna be heartfelt, so why do i have such a hard time with it? I think about you. Almost every day, you find a way to slip into my mind, and I'm thinking about you again.

I miss when we talk, for hours, I miss how things were with us. I'm sorry our conversations are so short lately, I'm sorry we haven't been talking, I'm sorry if you feel neglected, I'm sorry for leaving you. Alone. I feel like I'm not there for you, I feel like something wrong is going on with you, but you tell me everything is fine. I can see past that sometimes.
Love, doll, angel, I know nothing is always as it seems. As fine as you say.
I know deep down, something is hurting you. And you keep going back to it, and it hurts you more. You say you're happy sometimes, but are you really, truly, honestly happy? If i was there in person, would you lie to my face, and tell me yes?

I miss you. I wish I was there. To make you feel alright. To make you happy, but I can't be. All I can do is this, and try to make you feel that I actually deeply care about you, and love you. Even if lately, it feels like we've been drifting. I still look at your pictures, your pages, I check. I check on you.

I don't really have a computer at the moment.. that's one of the reasons we haven't been talking.
You know how I told you my charger was broken?
Well, my dad's charger ended up breaking too, so now we have nothing to charge our laptops with. Sometimes, I get on the desk top, but it drives my nerves because it's so old. It's slow.

If you ever need me, you know you can call me. I'll talk about anything, I'll say anything, to make you feel better. Even if it might feel awkward over the phone, I'll try my best. I'll ignore it.
Even if I'm not online, and there's something going on, message me, IM me, tell it to me. So when I do get on, I'll have something to say.

I know lately, you don't want to bother me with your problems, but that alone bothers me. You not wanting to tell me. Do you honestly believe I don't want to hear about what's going on in your life? Don't just tell me you're happy, because you don't want to be a burden. Tell me, come to me, don't run away from me.


You are truly one of my most amazing best friends.
I don't have many, you know, I don't message people saying things like this all the time, because I simply do not care. But you've gotta know, if I come on this computer, just to tell you this, that I care about you. And I'm sorry this is so long, but I just needed to say it.

Please, don't let yourself drown. You know you can be a great kid, because you are. You're there for me, even if you don't think so. But you need to be there for yourself now. You need to take care, and look after yourself. I know it's hard, but I don't want anything to happen to you.


Sometimes, you're so fragile, you know?

Tess Dunlop. ♥ 112709

tess inform me (12:54:54 AM): There wont always be someone there to forgive you, sometimes you're going to need to be the one that forgives you. I don't think you need forgiveness though, you haven't done anything wrong. Life is never consistant, there is always going to be shit and there will be good things. Not many people understand that, people seem to think something will happen one day and everything will be good but it doesn't work that way. You just need to appreciate the good things that do happen and know that there will be more to come. Bad things as well, but that's life if there weren't bad things we couldn't appreciate good things. I don't think you need forgiveness as much as to realize that you are a wonderful person and although there are people around you that are bringing you down they are the ones that are losing out by pushing you away. You have a lot of love to give and by giving it to others you are being selfless and that is a lovely quality to have, especially despite all the shit you go through you are still a wonderful person. You should be proud of yourself and feel good that you haven't been corrupted by the negativity surrounding you.

I just want to be forgiven too.

I'm sorry for everything I am for being wrong.
i'm especially truly sorry to my mom for not being the perfect daughter
but no kid is perfect anyways
but i really wish i could make her happy.
i wish i had my job right now, my car
i promised myself that i'd make money for my own support
but the pay to take my mom on a shopping spree
and my sister too
have them spend thousands and millions of dollars
i promised i'd spoil them after all the years spent on me
looking back on all this i am a spoiled brat
and i really should have not treated myself to things i don't need
i'm sorry if i've done my mistakes as a girlfriend, i guess there was something wrong with me that they all left
besides dylon, i'm sorry if i did all the things wrong as a girlfriend, a friend and hopefully you're best friend
i care about you so much, please don't drink and smoke or do anything so much
i want you to be healthy.

lindsey, i love you, you truly are awesome and you're such a great girl, i wish i could help you, i wanna be your girl sometimes just because i want to treat you better, i want you to stay how you are, change for the better, change for the good but always be you, don't ever be anything else but lindsey...

amber, nikki, i miss you two soo much.
i want and need you back

everyone, i wish you could see my pain, read my mind, don't sympathize me
i don't need solutions
i just want your company
so why is everyone leaving...

I'm trapped in a World that I can't take

It's really hard to live when every breath I take keeps me here.
I really do wish I could just disappear.
Something's keeping me here.
But I've seemed to lost all hope all because I have no reassurance.
I can't escape to anyone anymore.

Everyone's gone to other things and places
My own best friend is off drinking and smoking and for some reason
I'm paranoid, i'm scared of more of his doing

i feel like i'm running out of time
i want to get out of here
i need to get out of here

why does no body see this at all
it's like reaching out my hand for someone who needs my help
is only taking my hand to help themselves and pull me down to their doom
But I guess that's what it means to be their sacrifice
taking everyone's blames
all the fucked up things done and said to me
forgiven, forgotten, patiently waited on

i'm so tired
i can't keep crying like this
i can't take it
i don't know who to turn to
or what to even do anymore
i love him
i want amber, i want nikki
i want dylon back in my arms
i wanna take him away from where he is
but he's happy there
then what am i
what am i to anyone
i can't keep this up
but i do it anyway
i'm not perfect, i know this
i'm not good enough, that's how i feel
why do i have to be on my own two feet?
do i really have to go on by myself?
who will i turn to
what will i do
why won't anyone help me

You got my heart racing without Ecstasy
got me breathing hard when it's just you and me

I guess you really do like her.

My hands are scarred and burned
I tried so hard yet this pain was all I earned
Being there for you is the most pathetic thing I can do
When I know I can do so much more for you
I'm trapped in a world that I can't take
Take my hand already

Can we together, just make this great escape?

The waiting room

Inspired and dedicating my own lyrics to Dylon-Kiba James Riopelle-Cuppycakes
The night I walked with him on the beach in July 2009
I'll never forget it. It was way too perfect for me to ever forget.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - xoxo♥
This can't be over, this won't be the last time
If loving you is so wrong, such a crime
If loving you is so wrong, I don't wanna be right
But I've got all night to make that up, I've got all night
I've got all night to try to figure out and make this right
Tomorrow morning send it out to you
Addressed...
"To: My L - O - V - E - R"

This letter will represent my heart
Seal it with a kiss, and a dozen xoxo's
I'll put a message in a bottle and I'll throw it across the sea
In hope that these notes and words that i wrote will make you see
You mean more than the world does to me

And I miss you
And I wish you were here
Without you around nothing is ever clear
Sitting by the seashore and the streets in the pouring rain
Trying to find the drugs that will keep me sane

Hope you've found that letter by now
Read to the point where it talks about my promises and vows
That I'd love you forever and telling you what i'm all about
But I hope that you've gotten the point by now
but hurry up 'cause time is running out
I don't have all the time in the world, but I'll say this now

I've fallen in love with you honestly and I know how
In between our jokes and our laughter
The times where I was at my worst, you made me better
I fell in love with our friendship and Baby I just wanted more
Baby, you're the only kid that I absolutely adore

And I miss you
And I wish you were here
Without you around nothing is ever clear
Sitting by the seashore and the streets in the pouring rain
Trying to find the drugs that will keep me sane

Sitting in the sand, out in the pouring rain
Couldn't care less if I catch a cold or become insane
Hopefully you'll find me in time, I'll be in the waiting room...
If you really do care, then I'll assume
That if you make it here in time, that you still love me too...

I'll never forget that summer I spent with you...
Those warm summer days, the warm sunny rays
I'll wait for you to come sit down right next to me
Just hold my hand in time for the sunrise over the Atlantic scene
♥112309

My apologies are written on napkins

I feel like i'm nothing
And I never feel good enough

Am I never good enough for anyone?
anything?

Its the same thing
every time.
I feel so out of touch.

I'm never on anymore.

It's been so weird, people dying, my emotions are so mixed, confused.
But yet I know somewhere I'm free and I can be happy.
It's just strange.

I have no real thoughts to really conclude right now.

Tragic Losses

Rest in peace

Uncle Bill
Sean Maxey
Anthony Almonte
Robert Nugent
Amanda Blake
Officer Faust
Joshua Blue

Especially Joshua... why would you say my name last. You didn't even get love returned.
Rest in Peace loved ones.

I thank you for the Love you gave to me

It's hard to live when every breath you take keeps you here...

My Last Heartbeat.

I miss you too.

I miss this more.

When the salt shaker spills just throw it over your shoulder.

Loving someone... is wanting the best for them, whether it includes you or not.

Yet at this point, the best for him, would be me. Does that sound the slightest bit conceited? I'm only speaking the truth.

I was in the Emergency room yesterday, It was horrible, everything was fine and a normal cough in the morning but I suddenly couldn't breathe, my chest felt compressed and my upper body was just convulsing. I was crying and panicking and such at school. They almost called 911 on me. I have an inhaler and it's pretty much my life at this moment. My body was aching majorly last night though, I was laying in bed and fell asleep. When I woke up I went over to my computer and had 16 messages. Mostly from Dylon and I feel like shit, I keep doing this to him. I cried for a while this morning because he's been having the feeling of not trusting me, not believing me, and it hurts. My own true best friend, feeling like I'm lying to him. Fuck.

I don't look the slightest bit sick but when I cough it's like a hurricane, haha. I've been looking at stuff that I want online, I can't wait to sell my stuff. Money money money!

That was our Summer Love

I live my life the way I want to live it. Usually, I’m living in the moment. I do the best I can to only think about what is happening in the present time. I try not to worry about the past, though it does of course come up every now and then. To me, the past is something to learn from, not dwell over. If I’m thinking about the past, I try to remember the good times so I just smile and laugh. If I’m thinking about a bad time, I just remember that it’s done and over with, and the mistakes I made then I’ll try never to make again. I just find that I am a lot happier when worrying about the present time and the present time only. If I’m getting ready in the morning, I make the best of it. Dancing and singing while I’m putting my makeup on and doing my hair. If I’m with a friend, I make jokes with them and try to laugh until I can’t breathe. If I do happen to be sad about something, I let myself be sad. I cry as much as I need to until I can truly accept what I’m upset about and move on. People have different beliefs on the reason to life, or if there really even is a reason. I have accepted that while I’m alive I will not figure it out. What’s the point, trying to figure out what your purpose is in life? Whether it’s to be a proud parent, a busy businessman/woman, a world traveler, or whatever else you may think your purpose is in life. I’m sorry, but I believe my purpose in life is to live. It’s as simple as that. I’ll do anything and everything I can in this life as long as it makes me happy. If I never get married, have kids, see the world, have money out the wazoo, or whatever else you think a person should do or have in their lifetime, I’m ok with that. I’m ok with my life as long as I can be happy no matter where I am and what I’m doing. I could die tomorrow. Hell, I could die in the next hour. So why worry about my past? Why worry about my future? My daddy died in his early forties thanks to cancer sticks, he could have met my now ex but/and true best friend this summer. Known all my secrets physically. My friends come and go and I'm buzzing around like Neon. I’ve realized that life isn’t about the past, or the future. Your future might not even exist for all you know, so why worry about it? Your past is done and over with, so why the fuck are you still crying about it? I’m alive, right now, in this moment. I could be making a mistake, I could be doing the best thing I’ll ever do in my life, I could be happy, I could be sad, I could be anything, but I’m alive, and hopefully well.

Free from this cage.

I feel so entirely free and happy. No more mind slavery of depression and love sickness. But right now I'm just sick, haha. My phone has been acting up lately, I haven't been able to get any of Dylon's text, it's really vexing and obnoxious. My weekend was great though! Romario came over and hung out, and after the entire time I was angry at him it was worth talking it all out. We had a great time together talking about so many things and just cuddling. "I don't want this moment to end" was what he told me, and we kissed a lot. He was overall in shock as to why I stick around. "That's because I am the worst person in the world" is what he says... People are always going to hurt me, I keep those worth suffering for. ♥ I'm not sure if he really wants to go back out though, something is holding him back and he didn't want to say anything to ruin the moment. We made so many jokes and made fun of a lot of kids from school. Haha. But Friday night started off my weekend nicely...

The next day, I was texting Dylon, he didn't seem to happy after I said that me and Romario were all good and stuff now. Is he possibly upset or jealous? Either way, he didn't seem happy at all after talking about Romario for a little bit. I hope he's alright, whether he's telling me truthfully or not. And I hope him and Emily are well. They're so cute together! :) I swear if she does anything to my bestie though, I'm going to eat her!

After, I slept over at Sammi's we finally went on our date to 'Five Guys' a burger and fries restaurant, it's soooo good, i love going there. It all ended my weekend in painting my room blue and putting all my stuff together.

Great weekend, I had lots of fun, I'm so happy. I feel more familiar with my surroundings now. Could I be becoming who I am? I love this.

Time to go have a ritual, ciao bloggy!

♥Kitten

[07]Colour my World

Little girl, pick up your broken crayons
They've still got colour so continue to draw

Remember how I said before I was sick of the way I wrote my depressive heart trending thoughts? Cringing at the sick thoughts I had, moments where I almost cried, I understand myself more when I write my blogs, I hate writing though because I cry writing down every little detail of my thoughts. More of my ex because he was my world. You were this world I wanted to live in but slowly turned into a poison greater than cancer. Your name written through my heart, my head, my eyes my lips, everything. Now I stop sounding like I blame you though. You're in my life everyday, and though we haven't exchanged words much lately, you still make me smile. You still are the biggest part of my Heart. My true best friend, my true lover and only person who knows me inside out, back of their hand and knows me better than I know myself. I was running around in circles constantly hurting myself by everything, and I still do, but instead of falling to my knees to cry and hold myself in the agony of how much pain the infliction put in me I can bandage myself and keep walking, break a hole in the wall and walk my way. No more going through the same thing. Many people hurt me everyday let it be the smallest or biggest thing, But I allow certain people in my life, the people in my life that are worth suffering for. This is the last of my blog about what I've gone though, it wasn't very long that I started this but it helped me each time, I'm not sure if I will ever continue with a [08] who knows, but right now this is my last. I hope to have you in my Life forever, we'll go to Cali one day and party all night and sleep on the beach. We'll go shopping and try on all the sunglasses and funny clothing and take millions of photos. No matter what happens in the future I love you. I don't need to prove that to you, ever, you should know that. I won't need to doubt your love for me anymore, I honestly don't even mind if you fall out of love with me, nearly all of my heart may be black and blue but with a smile that I mean I don't mind, I'm strong remember? I'm stronger now. I refuse to fall back. I refuse to be kept down by gravity. You are what keeps me going, be happy, stay strong, we'll burn these cities down for what they've done to us one day. I love you, stay bright my little firefly.

[06]"I know this distance is my fault ...

But remember it's your fault I'm broken inside."

Of course, how could I forget... I'm just at fault here aren't I? The fault that I let you go to be off with another girl. It was my choice to say wasn't it. But I guess you really took that chance and really wanted to be with her, I'll think of her as a replacement, someone who can make you happy and be there for you physically, kiss you, hold you, speak to you in clear vision. Just a replacement, since I can't do it, not now anyway. But when I come around, will you come back to me, or just watch me. For months now I've been at a point where I was really just stopped, stuck and not wanting to go on with my life. Worse now, and I'm starting to feel the stupidity of my mind, and it vexes me. Everyday, everything, I finally realize that I HAVEN'T done anything wrong, I've done nothing wrong at all, I take people's shit, I take all of their pain, their blames, their wrongs, and put their scars on me, I'm the sacrifice for everything in where emotional and mental pain hurt most. This entire time I've been walking around injured.. bleeding everywhere for everyone's sake. "I'm sorry, I hurt you, I'm sorry I lied, why did I lie I'm so sorry" ... Why so sorry, why must you panic while apologizing, I forgive you, I give you another chance. All. The. Damn. Time. When have I never forgiven someone. "I won't ever hurt you [again], I promise" How many times have I heard this, How many times... I always say "Alright." with such a light expression, because I know they're going to hurt me again. Hypocrite. Should I test people? Should I sit in this dark room, see who dares to break the door down instead of banging against it yelling, screaming for me to open it up. I want someone to come to me, save me, pick me up from where i sit crying to myself and hold me. But I shouldn't, I'm independent and on my own again right? I have no one to depend on, no one to really go to. No one's home, nobody picks up the phone, it's just me, just me.
Are you taking me seriously? You're the only one here right now, and again I miss you so much, but you've been so busy with yourself lately, your own life, you don't tell me anything anymore. Why should I hold back, why do you get so angry when I'm with someone else, are you jealous? are you mad? You're with what keeps you going. Nothing but myself keeps me going now and it feels awkward walking on a string and no one there to hold my hand when I start losing my balance and fall. You know, have fun with your Life, I hope it takes you many places, I hope you're happy for however long you are with with any girl. I don't own you, you don't need me, but no matter what I will hopefully have you in the end when I can finally see and be with you physically. I haven't heard your voice in so long... it seems to be fading in my mind, I'm lost. You never know what you have till it's gone, you say you'd just say "fuck it" and move on, but would you really, truly be like that if something ever happened to me? If I either left or you never knew what happened?

You're adorable when you sleep, I'll kiss you sweet dreams every night. I'm not really going anywhere, are you there? Do you love me, Darling? Answer me, do you love me?
I love you.

My heroes of now 10/09

Dylon James Riopelle; My true best friend for life and you can never get on our level. We're enemies by nature and truthfully we shouldn't be getting along but opposites attract and we're just better than you. This kid and I have had a tough friendship and no one can ever go through what we went through, it's only been a couple years but I could say I've known this kid forever. We've had so many crazy fun memories together, this kid is insane in a cute puppy like sort of way. "Doom" Only he would understand that, anyway... He knows me way better than I know myself and no one will ever understand me like he does. I'm always going to be there for him and if you use him, I'll throw you in a ditch, abuse him and I'll come you down like a pack of wolves, Sink my teeth in to you, drink your veins dry, rip out your ribcage and use it as a new coffee table. He may be a thousand miles away but I'd cease the distance and be there for him. I've got open arms at the front door if he needs me. One of few people I'd take the bullets for. My Fallen Guardian Angel, I'll protect what protects me. And you can never take this away from me, he comes first, Heaven on Earth, fuck you if you've got problems, talk shit get bit.





Sammi Jay Neon Genova. ♥

My little cousin? No more like my little sister. I know we've known each other for years, we just need to find it in our memories to remember it. You're that bright little girl that makes me feel alive again, without you around I'm just not as happy. I love how you're just as creative as I am and take many pictures and videos as much as I do! Baking with you is so much fun, kitchen gets so messy :) Haha. It makes me feel happy to just sit there in front of each other with a bucket of batter cake ice cream and a bunch of pillows and blankets in XXXL sized clothing cuddling up and talking about everything the world will never know. I don't have to keep anything from you, because for a little girl with a big heart I feel security that you'll never let me go, I love you so much little one, you mean a lot to me and you will never know truly how much because if you did you'd start getting dizzy.<3





Lindsey Gussler [My baby turtle:3]

Suga Suga how'd you get so fly? We've known each other for about 4-5 years and one of the only people I've truly stuck with and I can't wait to see and be with you one day. We're going to draw in our cancer smoke one day and walk hand in hand running through an abandoned carnival. You threw me in the bushes so I could get myself out, you've been a real friend to me, you're straight up and I love everything about you. I know lately things have gotten quiet, and I'm sorry I really am, but I truly do love you. No one else will ever replace your part in my Heart. Without you I can't function, don't ever think that one day something will happen and I can walk away dandy doodle fine without you. I do think about you daily, you really have no idea, maybe I don't show it, I've got a strange way of showing I care. But you are a part of my inspiration and the reason why I take a look at the drugs in my hands and drop them. I love you baby boo<3.

[05] And we'll take this feeling to our grave

For every heart that we betrayed.

I've been sitting in this room for a while. My only escape is dancing listening to the music's beat and going in tune with it.My heart beating for one single person, my eyes focused on someone never wanting to take off. Ive put up with so much because how much I love you, Ive put myself through so much because you are what matters most to me, at the end of the day its me thinking of you, you are what I want. You seem so well in your own world, Up there you just seem so happy and somehow I'm sitting here with a drink in my hand staring out the window solemnly... only because I can see through your eyes, you're holding hands, kissing... making out rather, smiling, saying three words that pierce my heart. The same moments I've had with you. I hold your Love but your Happiness and everything else, I don't anymore. Your Love doesn't even seem to be in my hands, I feel like I'm constantly looking for it in my messy room or something. When really, our name printed across my chest seems like it's fading... does this mean I can't be with you anymore? Telling myself to remember to just breathe just doesn't cut it anymore. Maybe I'm just really really confused...

I can't stand this.

To have my
one self replaced.

To be separated from you...