Damn, haha I am a bad person

Me and Amber aren't friends anymore according to her exact words.
"Don't talk to me anymore, and don't talk about me anymore"

I love you Amber Marie Owen, even if I am fucked up,
these words aren't for soliciting, they aren't for to feel guilty or bad for myself.

If you ever find this message, if anyone could tell her:
Thanks for the best and most dramatic 9 years of my life
They were great

-Napelah

What if I wanted to fight, beg for the rest of my life?

I've come to a great conclusion that I am no more, no way, absolutely phased by the break up of me and Dylon. And I might not know how to explain this but I love him that's one, I always will, at least for the longest time, but... I don't feel so clingy anymore, I'm not so desperate giddy begging and praying for him to call me so I can hear his voice, legit, we haven't talked on the phone to have a conversation for 2-3 weeks. He can't find his charger to his phone and that's fine, but even in the day time, there's just no way. But he's busy and stuff, he's got better things to do than talk to me, and strangely enough, I'm fine with it, is that even okay?

Am I a bad person?

And right now I'm happy, I'm happy with things, content really, I'm content with what I have, greatful. I am having my moments and stuff but I'm not going to be down and mad all the time, that's pointless.

But I do feel ugly, I wish I could be prettier, thinner, in a sense in which I want to feel prettier and thinner. I don't and am not like every other girl forcing themselves, I'm working my way up and by then I'll feel like a million dollar prize.

If you could read my mind, you'd be in tears.

I've been feeling a bit moody, Lately I've been feeling a bit shitty because I've been thinking about everything that's gone on, how I'm always a very nice girl, letting go of the mistakes, taking people in, comforting them, fighting for them to protect them from others, and they use me, abuse my mentality, raze my emotions, they always take me for granted and when I feel they're set using me, I leave them and I get punched in the face for it, I cry too much and I never understand it.

But I've been thinking, what if, I could just yell at everyone, tell them to fuck off, and curse them out, tell them off. I've had my chances where I could have stood on the top of the highest stage, scream into a microphone for an audience of the people that hurt me most in life and the ones who are just as bad. I could have told Dylon a few hundred times many things, things that could leave him angry, not caring and walk away and be a better person. The last time he broke up with me back in May, I wished at that time... I wished, I wished that I could have broken up with him first, hurt him, tell him all the things that could stab him, right. where. it. hurts.

Just so he could feel my pain the way I do just once, ONCE. I'd like for ANYONE to feel my pain the way I do. It makes me want to just go away, live under water in a dome like Sandy Cheeks from Spongebob.make friends with a sponge, you know...

It kills when you care about someone, you lack the hatred, and all you can do and feel is love and care. If my mind were reality, the pain people have scarred me would be written by a razor blade all over my arms and sides. Because all I ever try to do is hold them.

No one can take me at my worst, so no one deserves me at my best.
It's just that simple line that's drawn out for almost everyone.
I've been trusting less, and my trust is so hard to gain now, it's just that bad.

Like Diyahna, apologizing to me, telling me that I should have been treated like a princess, sorry for everything that was ever said and that had happened, telling me that she's changed, and she wants to prove it to me.
Everyone's sorry, I'm not stabbing myself in the back for anyone anymore.

She wants to try so hard to get me back, I'm just another person is which I want to say to her. It's been a cycle to her, she's always been upset, she's always going to be a PMS and she'll always fight with me, maybe she has changed, she's 18 now, once the day you find out you're getting older you think about over the years and get a reality check right? Maybe.

I don't know, I really don't know, it changes who I am, the emotional abuse I mean. At this point and time I just wonder, where will the relationship/friendship of me and Dylon go to? What will happen, will we really be together for good as we... or maybe I wanted? I feel like just a normal friend to Dylon now, I don't know if that's bad or not, I'm not his girlfriend at all right now, and probably not for a while, who knows? But I'm so over the break up back in May, and I'm set where I am, I know we've shared kisses, cuddles and some sexual acts in July, it was basically friends with benefits, and in a sense I'm okay with that because as a best friend I trust him. I'm just so normal with this all.

Love is real, people are fake.

I'm not any better than the person standing next to me, but for a split second I feel like I'm the only one treating the biggest things that are small to people, right.

This cookies and creme ice cream sure does make me smile a little, it tastes really good, but my tummy is starting to hurt. I am really starting to think I'm becoming lactose intolerant.
Bye.

<3Kitten

It's a parallel universe

I feel so weird, I'm exhausted for one, school and all the work, my body is getting used to it though, I'm getting ready easier than I did last year.
My body just hurts.

Either way, me and Dylon haven't been talking a lot, but we're still as strong as ever i believe.
He stopped texting me just now, eh.

Apparently Abby almost got hurt, died actually. Looks like my vision came true... but I didn't wish for it.

My mind isn't in order right now.
I need to get out of here, nothing is as it seems.

- - -

I can't really comprehend what's going on, especially with the nick of pain in my neck and head from falling down on my head rollerblading yesterday.
I have no mind for this right now.

These are my snow covered Dreams...

ilooksodepressing,ohwoeisme.

Yes, I've realized I haven't posted anything in so long.
So many things have happened, and some are still getting situated.
Right now I'm just... calm, I just have school and everything else that's jumbled up.
But, I'm not sounding like a wreck or any sort.

I haven't talked to Lindsey in so long, I hope she's alright...
I really do, I'm so clueless.

I had a good time in Georgia and North Carolina, all was worth it. To be with Nikki and Amber like that was amazing, though it took my time out of not being able to speak with Abby and Dylon. But the mean time, without anyone telling me, I feel Abby's aura near me is edging away, in a sense she's still there, just... a bit faded, it sort of hurts. Dylon on the other hand, I've seen some weird visions, like him being so high that he made out with a girl. It got me so sick that I threw up. Strange strange, I don't know, I can never believe it. Honestly and sadly, Dylon has hurt me so much through our time being together, but I'll always have him near me, it's just the way it is... or at least for the time being anyway.

I've had the urge, sexual urge to have my skin be pierced into and have my veins be drained by Dylon. As much as I love it when he bites me everywhere else especially my neck. I would painfully love it if he'd go farther. Rational thoughts fly through my mind, it's ridiculous.

On another note, August 24th, I began my 1st year in high school, I feel so tiny compared to the large buildings and all the kids big and taller than me. If only I went to school with Dylon since now that I'm in high school. I would love to be with my High School Lover, fooling around, holding hands, being picked up and twirled around, listening to music on my ipod or his psp together, and taking naps during lunch. He's going to be a 3rd year, ah, to be with a 3rd year, I feel so... on top. I love this boy. ish ish.

For some reason, ever since I've been impersonating 'Oddish' from Pokemon I've been saying 'ish ish'. Constantly, my new favorite word, aren't I cute?

So high school isn't bad, it's all pretty decent really. My first hour Mr Federman already likes me. (: And my favorite class over all is my Dance Tech.<3 I love that class soooo much. I can't wait to start dancing and such. I miss Dylon so much, and Amber too, I miss her, it was great to be with her, through it all. Well, 3rd day of High school in 6 hours. Yeesh. And today's already picture day, I have my outfit planned, I'm going blueee.

ish ish ish ish ish ish ish ish

It's 1:10am, I'm hungry, my body and mind is trying to function correctly to the schedule of waking up and such, my body feels all wobbly. At least the day's are going by okay. And September is coming around soon, and around there I can finally be with my Dylon Cuppycakes once again.♥ Joy!

Toodles. ♥

My mind is distorted instability

I can't take this anymore, what the hell.

It's the wrong kind of place, to be thinking of you

My old self, my childish, immature, bubbly, innocent self...
Torn, thrown, fucked over, strangled, stabbed, taken by the veins in the back of my neck
and pulled.

Dylon's right I'll explain why...
after all the stupid fighting and being neglected by Amber because of her ex boyfriend Cam's ways, because of him, she detested me, my stupidity, and she locked me out, like everyone else, but to me... was the worst painful thing ever, my only older sister, I looked up to her. I admired her beauty, mind, herself. And I was left as waste.

At one point when me and Diyahna were close, and yet we fought.

The endless pain Dylon put me through, I could have hated him, he broke me apart emotionally, and it dramatically torn me to shreds. Breaking up with me, leaving me for other girls, lying to me about the smallest things, knowing things he wouldn't tell me about. He hurt me, I could have been with any other asshole, but it always turns out in the end that I'm better off with him.

My worst fault was being in a relationship with him because before I met him, I was independent, a bit dependent, but that was never a problem since I had Amber. But then, when I was with Dylon, I clung to him annoyingly, depended on him with everything, I told him everything, I did everything for him, got my grades up to finally meet him, learned to draw better so i could draw better couples of me and him or drawing him, made him a bear, learned a song on the piano. And he hurt me over and over and over...

And it made me the complete opposite I am today.
Yeah, sure I do have my giggles and I still have a nice personality. But to me and Dylon agrees; My innocent bubbly kandi girl rainbow loving, all that is pinktastic is so much better.

Rainy Angelus (3:48:03 AM): It's sad for me to think this way, sad at how i've been so emotionally stupid when I wasn't even like this before I met you, I'm not saying that it's your fault because it's all just me allowing myself to do this and that

Narcotik Defect (3:48:31 AM): yea but it is all my fault

Rainy Angelus (3:48:50 AM): Why ?

Narcotik Defect (3:52:24 AM): because before me you were an innocent bubbly girl, and ive hurt you over and over and it's changed the way you are.

And now that he says that, he's right... I use to be a bright bubbly omfgiwanttostabher kind of annoying, all color, no darkness at all. Always happy, hardly down in the dumps and made every day an adventure. And best of all, that's how Dylon fell in love with me, my personality, my style, who I was, made him love me, he thought I was adorable. And it makes me wonder why he still wants me since now I'm all edgy, emotional, and a cluster fuck of things incomprehensible.

Laced in Sexciting Asphyxiation and Cancer Sickness

At the moment I'm depressed beyond reason, and the only thought that comes to my head is; "Why does everyone like to get high and drunk so much". The reason why I'm so driven by this is because my dad died from all the cigarettes and alcohol consumed that took his life. Weed isn't even considered a drug anymore, and it apparently slows down and helps with many many illnesses and diseases. But just the whole getting high part of it all. Sure the humor and feel good support is nice, I've smoked weed before, I was a smartass. Smoking, I smoked a pack in 2 days. then a few more the third. I didn't really feel anything. But besides few other people, I feel like I'm the only one living without it. I can do it easily and stop anytime. Everyone close to me is just smoking away, and there I am second hand smoking everyone's lace. I feel completely stupid right now.

That one night when Dylon asked me to smoke and I got upset about it but still let him, I felt like I should have smoked with him. I don't get myself. I'm not saying this out of any sort of addiction, but I just wanted to smoke with him, not to do it for everyone else, just because I wanted to share that moment of smoking with him.

I'm so angry at myself right now, and so very very upset.
I'm completely incomprehensible.

I think about Lindsey, she's the only person who didn't want me to smoke or drink, She actually yelled at me, told me that I was stupid, and she's right, I am. And I absolutely love her for it, because out of everyone else, if I kept drinking just to fade a little, ask my friends to smoke a bowl and smoked cigarettes with them, I would be gone, completely, never the same girl ever ever again. Just another 'rebellious' teenage waste, no child of the future, but then again, with more tragedies, makes one a wiser person.

I wanted to just pop and be a freak on E, raving my heart away, laying with out a problem in the world because of one little man made pill that made me absolutely happy. I wanted to smoke to relieve my stress and I wanted to smoke all that weed so I could get higher than the clouds. Open my cabinet and grab all the pills, mix, pick out a few by random to feel all crazy and fall asleep.

Tempting thoughts yet I can't do them, Honestly, I would smoke every few weeks to months if I could, but I just can't. I wish I could talk to Lindsey, not for any advice, just to tell her what's up, and just have a good conversation, I wish she were in Georgia while I was here, I wish I met her. I love Lindsey, I really really do. I want to talk to her when I get back home in Florida, when everything settles down.

Lindsey, if you're reading this, I love you and I miss you, so fucking much...

It's depressing.

I'm so homesick that when I woke up from sleeping in Amber's room the night before, I looked up to my window and actually thought it was mine, rolling over I closed my eyes with a faint smile and I was missing 2 things. 1 - I wasn't at home, I'm still in Georgia for the end of this week. Then North Carolina Saturday Aug 15th.
Then it's just one more week and I'm home...
And 2 - Dylon wasn't near me, I miss him cuddling close to me, and he would wrap his arm around me, and even though a bit unconscious he would hold on to my back. Like as if he'd never let go. I miss how he's always awake first or he would immediately wake and he would trace his fingers up and down slowly from my entire side, or from my hip bones and up. I miss his warm touch and his soft lips.

I broke down badly last night, I was already feeling bad and Stephen and his dad were fighting, and I'm guessing most likely Stephen, shut the door on me when I tried to say something for mom's sake. I was trying to call Dylon but he didn't pick up, instead he ignored my calls, I texted him to pick up and that I really needed him. He asks me what's wrong by text, told me his phone was dying, and it made me even more mad in a splur of the moment that he wouldn't take his phone on it's last line to call me. But it didn't matter, I was already too upset, I told him, fine, never mind, forget it. And after I called Abby...

And she was the only comfort I had all night, and I didn't want to be near, or talk to anybody, so i slept in the other room, all by myself, alone, while on the phone with Abby.
Turns out they both don't want me in Georgia, I've never felt so wrong being in this family, I've never felt so far being near Amber and Nikki.

I can't wait to be in Dylon's arms more, and me him and Abby can be a family again. I guess this is my path, since me Amber and Nikki are all going down our own roads, still close to heart and memory, but making our own lives. It's sort of scary, what will happen to us?

I'm tired...

Dylon tells me he doesn't mean to not answer any of my texts or calls, he isn't trying to either.

He just never has his god damn phone.

That's what he tells me anyway... I'm so sick of not talking to him. Just a few more and I can see him again whereas it be easier to speak with him and be with him, no consequences. But it just pisses me the fuck off. He said the other night he'd call me, after these days he's been with friends and feeling like shit so he's in no mood to talk or playing video games till he passes out. 2:33am, he never called.
And today he apologizes to me. I said it was fine, because at that very second, I didn't care, I was so pissed off and agitated with everything and everyone that I didn't care. Now, I'm not saying I didn't care of Dylon at all, at least he had any mind and heart better than anyone else to even apologize, but even today, I have no reply for 7 hours, I called around 10-11pm, no answer, 12 and nothing. Probably asleep

And I just texted him, saying I'll talk to him another day and time. 'Bye'.
Cold, harsh? Well, I'm upset, no one can expect me not to.

Crying while typing this is pathetic.
Really fucking pathetic...

Everytime I hear this song...

It brings me back to seeing the first tears drop from the icey blue eyes of the boy I love. It makes me sad, and I get so excited from hoping to see him again. But it still makes me so sad that he's gone, out of my reach. And wherever I go, I keep moving my hand and it seems like I can't face the fact that he's not lacing fingers with me, it's just the wind. And all I do is sit there and watch the world pass in slow motion again. Typical.

All of yesterday, Dylon hadn't answer me very well. He was off doing things apparently, doing things that were a little more important than talking to me. I'm not saying he needs to put all the attention on me. It's just the fact that he can be busy talking and hanging out with his friends all he wants... but where's that time for me? We haven't really had a conversation on the phone, actually, we haven't really been talking on the phone at all for almost a week now. He told me he didn't mean to be busy, he missed me, he really does.

After I felt a little happy hearing that, I was on my way to church to hear Stephen's testimony, and my pants decided to rip, so to make everything less awkward, I ripped more holes in my pants, yay. So now they're all spiffy.

On another note I went to hang out with some people, and we played hide and seek in this Primary School's playground, loads of fun I say, but I got bit so much these bugs are potent, it's horrible.

We all went to Sonic afterwards to chill out, and I was talking to my little sister Abby. She told me that Cody said "Be right back I'm going to go smoke a bowl with Dylon"
And that was right after I told her that Dylon wasn't answering me, and when I asked what Dylon was doing before he said he was running around doing random things, and after a few he said he was looking for music. And it made me upset, I just don't like it, I may be a hypocrite because I did it, but I didn't do it for the fun of it or pressure from people, I did it by my own choice and it had no effect on me. Dylon then started talking in a sense that I felt was a bit weird, he would speak in long terms like 'I loveeee youuuuu' and he would do that with all his words, it was cute but... it wasn't him.

After I tried calling and texting him, no answer, I got all of a sudden a bit pissed off, but sad even more because I wish he'd talk to me. He was at Sams, and I guess I didn't get his message but God knows what, he's either drinking or smoking maybe even both, and it doesn't even matter, I just wish he'd respect my word that I don't like him doing it, he probably does but he's just going to do it anyway. I mean, I'm not going to manipulate him and say 'If you love me you'll stop doing what you're doing' and I'm not going to go drink and smoke and do drugs for the hell of it to ruin my body for his sakes, Why would I do that anyway? I quit my cynical depression and days where I popped pills, smoked a pack and drank away to fade, I quit it all.

It is harder without him here, if he were here there wouldn't be this problem. I'm waiting, I'm not going to call, text or im him...
So whatever he does, I hope he finally contacts me, because I'm waiting for him first.

Am I putting too much effort into our relationship?
I always do.

Unexpected Text Messages

August 2nd 2009

10pm.

Dylon: I love you and you don't even realize how much.

Kitty: ... Why do you say that?

Dylon: Because of you, I realize where I need to be

Kitty: And where is it you need to be

Dylon: I just had like a fucking vision, I realized by living with my dad, on how fucked up he really is. He doesn't want me stealing yet he's blackmailing a couple of his friends. And how everyone of my dad's freinds live in this shitty life cycle. And my family's in this cycle. And I see myself being sucked into this cycle, and I realized my dad does everything he can to make my life better, from letting me go see you and how worried he was about me and how he supports everything I do. He's trying to make my life better by doing everything he can, even if he has to blackmail and rip people off and be this bad guy.

Kitty: Wow... Baby that's such a huge risk... You have no idea how much I have to thank him. I love you so much Dylon...

Dylon: And I feel like I have to do my best in what I love so I can have that little push to do what I want

Kitty: I can't stop crying...

Dylon: Don't cry baby...

And it's just a bit overwhelming to me because, I never thought that Dylon's dad did THIS much for him. And I thank him so much for letting me see the boy that I've been in love with since December 15th 2007, a day I'll never ever forget. After all the tragedies, all the moments we had to go through, everything was so worth it... And I love Dylon, I always will, that never changed. Never has, have or will. I will always love him more and better than any girl could ever try. It's just me and him, hopefully forever...<3

Happy August Everyone

Time does go by a little too quick than expected, but more of the best to be closer and in Dylon's arms again.

I've been kind of down being down in Georgia since I got here because all Amber and Stephen do is bicker for absolutely no reason, and Stephen blows off on her first, so he's at fault. Amber doesn't really do much but ask and she gets shit for it. Otherwise I'm alright now.
Yesterday we went to the hookah bar, I tried hookah for a few times, it tasted yummy because it was pina colada and coconut, but I don't believe I'll do it anymore, that's just me, I tried it, it tasted fine, and I was entertained by the smoke coming out of my mouth in different shapes, hah.

My mommy is suppose to be sending me my passport and more money today, yay meee ♥

So, after feeling like I started completely fresh after being with Dylon for almost week, I thought to myself that he tells me he'll never leave me, and that he doesn't want to hurt me again, and he doesn't ever, and will never let go of me...
But this distance always kills him more than me, so what if he does leave me again for a better girl near him? I don't know, I pretty much gave myself to him, it be wrong but after all the commitment and devotion I put to him, it just hurts me more and more every time but it doesn't kill me, and instead of also making me stronger, it makes me not care anymore, which is actually pretty bad, but also for the main part I make a very decent girl for the shit I get into and come out of.

I also feel uncomfortable with not being officially his, It's like, we basically hooked up and just left it at that. Not really but the hooked up part yeah. Plus, it makes me uncomfortable having other girls possibly all over him and keep telling him he's cute and ask if he has a girlfriend. Asking if he has a girlfriend bothers me more, because he'll say no. It's like... he can't make it obvious that 'I have someone in mind' or 'I love someone else, but we're not together right now'. Honestly something like that is actually cute but i wonder if he says things like that, if I ever knew that he did it would make me smile knowing that he's basically saying; "I love her, I won't get with you"

I just sort of wish he'd make it obvious, put a picture of me on his profile, talk about me some, and maybe even bluntly 'This is the girl, my best friend that I'm in love with since to date' and whatever else he might add on, sounds selfish I know but I also want to know what he says about me.

So I found out Abby was also crying last night, she missed her mom the way things were when she was happy and smiling bunches, I can relate to that so well... I cried because I wanted to be with Dylon and hold Abby in my arms as an older sister. And I also felt... completely ignored for some reason, like there is no reason for my being around here, I know that's not true at all and there are definitely people who love me and want me around, but it's not that sort of thing with people, it just... It's something else that tells me that I shouldn't be here.