It brings me back to seeing the first tears drop from the icey blue eyes of the boy I love. It makes me sad, and I get so excited from hoping to see him again. But it still makes me so sad that he's gone, out of my reach. And wherever I go, I keep moving my hand and it seems like I can't face the fact that he's not lacing fingers with me, it's just the wind. And all I do is sit there and watch the world pass in slow motion again. Typical.
All of yesterday, Dylon hadn't answer me very well. He was off doing things apparently, doing things that were a little more important than talking to me. I'm not saying he needs to put all the attention on me. It's just the fact that he can be busy talking and hanging out with his friends all he wants... but where's that time for me? We haven't really had a conversation on the phone, actually, we haven't really been talking on the phone at all for almost a week now. He told me he didn't mean to be busy, he missed me, he really does.
After I felt a little happy hearing that, I was on my way to church to hear Stephen's testimony, and my pants decided to rip, so to make everything less awkward, I ripped more holes in my pants, yay. So now they're all spiffy.
On another note I went to hang out with some people, and we played hide and seek in this Primary School's playground, loads of fun I say, but I got bit so much these bugs are potent, it's horrible.
We all went to Sonic afterwards to chill out, and I was talking to my little sister Abby. She told me that Cody said "Be right back I'm going to go smoke a bowl with Dylon"
And that was right after I told her that Dylon wasn't answering me, and when I asked what Dylon was doing before he said he was running around doing random things, and after a few he said he was looking for music. And it made me upset, I just don't like it, I may be a hypocrite because I did it, but I didn't do it for the fun of it or pressure from people, I did it by my own choice and it had no effect on me. Dylon then started talking in a sense that I felt was a bit weird, he would speak in long terms like 'I loveeee youuuuu' and he would do that with all his words, it was cute but... it wasn't him.
After I tried calling and texting him, no answer, I got all of a sudden a bit pissed off, but sad even more because I wish he'd talk to me. He was at Sams, and I guess I didn't get his message but God knows what, he's either drinking or smoking maybe even both, and it doesn't even matter, I just wish he'd respect my word that I don't like him doing it, he probably does but he's just going to do it anyway. I mean, I'm not going to manipulate him and say 'If you love me you'll stop doing what you're doing' and I'm not going to go drink and smoke and do drugs for the hell of it to ruin my body for his sakes, Why would I do that anyway? I quit my cynical depression and days where I popped pills, smoked a pack and drank away to fade, I quit it all.
It is harder without him here, if he were here there wouldn't be this problem. I'm waiting, I'm not going to call, text or im him...
So whatever he does, I hope he finally contacts me, because I'm waiting for him first.
Am I putting too much effort into our relationship?
I always do.
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