Laced in Sexciting Asphyxiation and Cancer Sickness

At the moment I'm depressed beyond reason, and the only thought that comes to my head is; "Why does everyone like to get high and drunk so much". The reason why I'm so driven by this is because my dad died from all the cigarettes and alcohol consumed that took his life. Weed isn't even considered a drug anymore, and it apparently slows down and helps with many many illnesses and diseases. But just the whole getting high part of it all. Sure the humor and feel good support is nice, I've smoked weed before, I was a smartass. Smoking, I smoked a pack in 2 days. then a few more the third. I didn't really feel anything. But besides few other people, I feel like I'm the only one living without it. I can do it easily and stop anytime. Everyone close to me is just smoking away, and there I am second hand smoking everyone's lace. I feel completely stupid right now.

That one night when Dylon asked me to smoke and I got upset about it but still let him, I felt like I should have smoked with him. I don't get myself. I'm not saying this out of any sort of addiction, but I just wanted to smoke with him, not to do it for everyone else, just because I wanted to share that moment of smoking with him.

I'm so angry at myself right now, and so very very upset.
I'm completely incomprehensible.

I think about Lindsey, she's the only person who didn't want me to smoke or drink, She actually yelled at me, told me that I was stupid, and she's right, I am. And I absolutely love her for it, because out of everyone else, if I kept drinking just to fade a little, ask my friends to smoke a bowl and smoked cigarettes with them, I would be gone, completely, never the same girl ever ever again. Just another 'rebellious' teenage waste, no child of the future, but then again, with more tragedies, makes one a wiser person.

I wanted to just pop and be a freak on E, raving my heart away, laying with out a problem in the world because of one little man made pill that made me absolutely happy. I wanted to smoke to relieve my stress and I wanted to smoke all that weed so I could get higher than the clouds. Open my cabinet and grab all the pills, mix, pick out a few by random to feel all crazy and fall asleep.

Tempting thoughts yet I can't do them, Honestly, I would smoke every few weeks to months if I could, but I just can't. I wish I could talk to Lindsey, not for any advice, just to tell her what's up, and just have a good conversation, I wish she were in Georgia while I was here, I wish I met her. I love Lindsey, I really really do. I want to talk to her when I get back home in Florida, when everything settles down.

Lindsey, if you're reading this, I love you and I miss you, so fucking much...