what the fuck

If you don't want me around then why do I bother
Seriously i don't care if you act the same for everyone else
I'm your best friend whether you need me or not
Whatever happened to "I got pissed because you seemed like you didn't care, you never answered me, you never talk to me"
I show my concern, I try to talk as much as I can
I speak up before you do
And I get fucking nothing

I don't want an apology, I don't want you to get anymore upset than you already are
I just want you to fucking TALK to me
I'm even lucky if I EVER got a hello from you any day.

"I'd sacrifice a lot for you"

No, no you wouldn't, we don't even talk.
you can't consider the normal cliche starters of conversations even talking.
I'm rarely even a part of your life.

I hate having these stupid memory rushes, remembering all the things being said to me, done to me. I miss them but they just make me die on the inside a little.

I wanna tell Dylon something, but I'm afraid of getting that careless attitude with the answer of "okay?" or something. I'm not saying he doesn't care at all, but he acts like it all the time. But, after all this time, If I can, Dylon if you're reading this, I have straight A's, and I'm passing my Math at 97%, I wanted to say thanks for helping me in Math, and you were the only one who would tell me you were proud of me and mean it. No one else does anymore, no, not even mom, not even my sister, they're not even home, nobody's home and i'm practically alone in the house. I miss Dad, I know I'm always depressing and pessimistic but I just wanted to write this blog to tell you how much I appreciate you in my life, thank you so much. I love you.

If I lived off of promises, I would be dead

Dude, I'm so fucking done.
I didn't give up, I'm just done with this.
No, it's not technically giving up
Why bother when it's giving me no credit.
I'm depressed, paranoid, and sick in too deep
I'm afraid of the deep dark water, and no one's gonna help me
But who said I needed it, I can't depend on anyone but myself
But it's only me whose telling myself this, I just
I just wanna break.

I've got a question

Are we even BEST friends anymore...

And I hate the constant every day stupid shit, I'm about to throw a table at someone.

I'm letting this all go

To let you inside

I feel like I'm being timed, it's making me sick too.
I feel like I'm being watched, and I'm paranoid, absolutely paranoid.
What do I need to know, what do I need to find out.
Why am I running out of time?

To the Ex Player

Napelah Kitty Mingchai [Copyright 2010]

So how many times are you gonna rep this?
You're still rolling with a black book and damn you make me sick
Around 4 am, I thought about you for a minute or two
Infatuated with the thought of you and my pain grew and grew
I said I was the one, that I was the one, but I guess she said that too
Why you playing games
to scared to play, the rules were made,
to drop these names, and now you got nothing to say
In 2 years you shaped it
in one night, you murdered it
And in 12 hours, I totally forgot about it
You're playing with the mind of the craziest kind
Remember I loved you, it's your loss, and I'm the rare find
Telling me how much you love me when I know that you're lying
You must be snorting lines if you think that I'm crying
So tell me, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
A mouth of a liar, a cheater, a manipulating player,
Uh uh, no way, you can step out of my house
I don't wanna hear anymore excuses coming from your mouth
I can't believe how low you went
All those other girls wanna think that you're gonna love them
That you're gonna make them content
Cause the way they see it, and how you act it,
They think you're perfect
And from where I'm at I see it a 110 percent different
Don't do me wrong like your homework just because you don't understand me,
and I'm not like your history test kid, so don't cheat on me
Anybody can be a player, it takes a real man to hold a relationship
But for you, I think you're still a boy because you still fall and trip
By playing the wrong cards and keep rolling the bad dice
Hope you're feeling guilty by now, I bet you can't pay the price
In this Game I'm the major league player
And you better be sorry because you lost me forever
Now can you tell me, what's the opposite of two?
A stronger me, and a lonely you.

I remember it.

I remember the first moments where me and Him would be on webcam together, and when he would walk away
This big dog would walk in, and look at me, through the webcam
That was and will be the only first time I ever met that dog.

Today I cried, today I cried really hard.
And with hope in my heart, I thought I could make him happy.
I thought I could help him pull through a little.
You know, like glue, to keep him together...

But even as a friend, I'm never enough.

I suffocate when you're away from me

He told me I had one more cry to do, but it's not going to occur till later. This entire time, I never knew that me and Romario were this much alike, it's nice to have him understand. Today I cried because I was afraid of everything, I felt weak for once, because I fought for everyone, and constantly myself, and I just got so tired, so exhausted, that a world began to crumble below me, and I kept falling until someone finally reached out their hand and told me that 'It's okay'. And that it was okay to cry today, it was okay to cry at all. I felt so vulnerable, too vulnerable, I wasn't sure if that was safe... when Romario held me, he held on so tight though I was crying and having such a hard time catching breath, and a sugar rush came over me, a sweet moment, for a few seconds that i didn't realize i calmed down so easily, that I felt Dylon's arms wrapped around me, holding me, tightening his grip when I let out a cry, wrapping around a little more, to tell me that he was still here, and here for me.

And at that moment, with Romario and Saidie standing their by me, I felt comfortable. I can relax for once, it was amazing, you know?

I've got a horrible intuition...

And it's going to blow me apart.

It's so cold.

The weather seems so nice but it isn't good for my body, I'm cold blooded and I can't get warm. I've been doing a bit better with things lately, me and Dylon are talking little but it's alright. I'm making that effort, always remember that I have to consider his feelings too, no matter what he says.

These past two weeks, Romario and Saidie were having a back and forth quarrel with each other. Things about people going up to her about Romario supposedly cheating on her, and that she needs to check his phone for pictures and texts. And Romario is showing no affection or any thing that conveys his feelings for her, which convinces her to believe that he doesn't care, and that his heart isn't fully there. I knew none of that was true, and even with the things going on for me, and though it's not my relationship, I had to do something, they wouldn't talk to each other, and I knew Romario was innocent.

Romario refused to speak with me, so i asked if he admits he's hard headed and stubborn, and with saying yes, I only asked him to agree with me or not and tell me why when I ask something, and not once did he say no, I helped him all night, figuring out himself and coming out with the answers that proves his innocence. He was only protecting Saidie, and I knew that, no one would ever do something like that to Saidie but him. He's an idiot sometimes, pushing people that care about him away, just to keep them safe, he cares a lot, but he doesn't deserve to be alone, Saidie makes him happy, Romario makes Saidie happy. Super Kitty to the rescue!

While me and Romario were talking, he told me I wasn't human, when I told Saidie that, she told me I wasn't... I'm not human; Saidie: "You're not human, you are something God actually took time to create, you take your own drama, your own problems, and you take everyone elses too. Even if it's not your business, people pour their hearts out to you, and you take that in. you store people's pain and look around, smiling, laughing like everything's alright. And the magic question is, how do you do it."

I don't know... I'm no Angel though.

hmmm..

yesterday around 4 AM i thought about you for a minute or two. i know it's no good. i feel so lonely sleeping without you.. how come your arms are not around me? i said i'm the one, the one to hold you; but i guess she said that too. no surprise..

I wish you were as real as you pretend to be.

I really do think and wonder, if I could die right now, I wanna see the pain and tears people pour out if they have that sort of care for me. Because I want people to see 'You don't know what you've got till it's gone' I'm so angry sometimes because I never let that side of me show. It's rare, I can be mad, but I've never done it to tell people that I've done so much, and it was probably enough.

It just gets to the point where my mind wants people to get hurt and suffer, but that pain is what I dread to see in people's eyes and mind. I never want someone to suffer. Peace of the kind where nothing goes wrong at all is impossible, but possible happiness is all i try to make.

This little soldier just likes to lay against cold concrete and brick wall, if my emotional pain were shown physically, i'd be dead from blood loss. It's depressing that as my days go on, I write down all my thoughts and they all seem to be depressing or what my hopes to be are.

I think it's pretty clear, no one really cares, I'm just a last resort, people use me.
I wish someone would tell me they appreciated me.

I need you but you're always so far away.

I call you up but you know, it's just never the same.

Before I woke up today, I thought I was seriously dying, I was so cold. I was shivering all over and my mom said I was blue. Thinking about it now seems pretty sick, but I'm no smurf. I'm so excited about passing my permit, soon I'll be able to actually drive and go see Dylon, sometimes I wonder if that's really worth it though. If I see him again this summer what would happen. Would we hook up for the time being or just be together. He's always got another girl, if he get's in a relationship by then I probably won't go then. But my other reason to go is to see Maddy. I know that probably sounds mean, I mean honestly I wanna see him, I wanna be with Dylon, I just wonder if our feelings are starting to become what would be called 'ceased' But I bet our feelings will [obviously] always be there. If we're next to each other, I'm pretty damn sure our feelings will just spark up again and we'll end up in bed cuddling all night giggling at the silliest things and waking up the next morning with me cuddled up into his chest and his arm around me, and I miss that so much. But I am so fucking okay with it, like if Dylon were to get another girl now or he's making out with other chicks, it's... whatever to me. As long as he's happy. I've been through this a million times, I still have a heart full of pain, a head full of stress...

Lately I've been thinking about the people like Amber and Jayce, saying that I've never done anything good for them and that I'm fucked up. Seriously, what I did was so wrong, helping out is so wrong? Anyone in my life who has taken me as an impact on their lives can never say I've done nothing for them.

Especially when the only two people in my life I gave up so much for, can never say I did nothing for them. That's just pure bullshit.

I wonder if Dylon ever gets happy around other girls, somethings he just never tells me. I remember when I made him happy.

Everything before August 2009 was pure perfection.


christmas 2008. ♥

Across Five Aprils - A year from Now

Complete and total adoration
My gift to you, my heart was yours
In ten weeks you shaped it
In one night you murdered it
Torn from my chest and laid at your feet
That first step that you took was the worst
Since then you've walked a thousand miles in solace and short remark
And I still have these memories
But will never see what we could have been
Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?
Remember, because that's all you can do

We'll never make another memory
We'll never make another memory

I wish I would have died in your arms the last time we were together
So I wouldn't have to wake without you today
This time I thought things were real
You said they were
What happened?
You were a priority
Was I an option?
I let you see a side of me that I don't share with anyone
Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled
Knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart
I'm just sorry that it wasn't enough
So, we'll go our own ways
And hopefully you'll remember these things I've told you
Hopefully you'll understand that everything I said is in sincerity
A broken heart is not what I wanted from this
But I guess I've learned from it
But aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes?
I don't consider this a mistake
I just wish the story didn't end this way
Because I'm still in love with the person who helped me write it

Remember when we talked about where we'd be a year from now?
Remember when you held my hand like you'd never let it go?

My mom's right.

I do care about everyone else but myself.
I do care about their own lives more than mine.
I'm half dead because I get hurt by people I thought care about me
When they don't even do things like they say they would
A simple phone call, a knock on the door, a tap on the window and climb in.
Yeah, i waited
Yeah i fucking waiting
Yeah, I waited till even four in the morning.
The excuse or reason of "Oh I fell asleep, I was somewhere, this or that"
Okay, I forgive you, but thanks for trying to make up for it, in like, never.

And I fucking still cried, do I do the things I do just to keep people here?
Is that something pathetic, everything just seems to instantly piss me off today.

My own mom gives me a lecture of how I need to grow up and that I need to show her that she can trust me... How LONG has she not trust me, what can I ever do to gain my own mother's trust back. Why do they care what I do, why is it so bad to do a lot for this family, when me actually working was for everyone's sake.

Doesn't anyone just appreciate me for the thought or the act that I do...
I know people care, no one just likes to show it
And that's all I like most, I feel so all alone, but I guess I shouldn't give up
I'm independent now, I'm on my own, I can rely on myself, however and whatever it takes
I'll be at the top myself.

Azuren's really sweet message.

You're great and all, but you're really fucking stupid, you let people walk all over you and you constantly get hurt. And you know what if that's how you're gonna make it through life, then you're gonna be dead by then. You should get over everything, seriously, he's your ex for a real good reason, if he kept breaking up with you for other girls and breaking up with you for good now because of DISTANCE then STOP CHASING AFTER HIM YOU FUCKING IDIOT.

Just like I broke up with you, I didn't want you anymore, I just didn't, i always thought you were a whore that's why, and to think I did once love you I really did but it went downfall for ME because I couldn't handle going out with a little kid. and honestly i really don't know why anyone would love you or even remotely be with you, get over yourself

` ` ` `
So, what did i do to deserve this from him?

Well this is depressing...

I was hoping to hang out with Sammi today, like we had planned before she left for her vacation in Orlando. But I guess she forgot, or really wanted to go to that party. It's alright, I'm not mad, I'm upset, but I don't mind being alone. It's no big deal.

So while browsing today, I went on Dylon's facebook and he joined a fan group called 'You're my EX, why do you care what I do'. I thought about myself and thought... "oh. " :|
Seems like I wasn't suppose to care all those times, and especially now that I've calmed down.. let him do what he wants, I mean, I care... as a friend right? That's not bad.

I guess I'm just a little depressed today, i've got nothing to do, no where to go, and i'm not going back to sleep.

Another thought for the year?

Why did it get this hard to get by through with Life, we wake up everyday, do the same things, it's like we're being controlled. Nothing amazing ever happens here, I'm stuck in a World where I come to think only exists inside of the glass, and outside of that glass where I can't reach, is another world, and when I break that glass, if it's possible for me to break that glass, then maybe... hopefully I can then begin to believe of a new life for me to coexist with.

I'm good with keeping my money now, me and my family are getting along well and my mom finally understands that i want to save and keep my own money, not have the bank keep it for me. I've got a few hundreds thanks to Christmas and gifts... I'm happy because I can use that money to go to Massachusetts... if I can, I'd like to go, I'll be sixteen this year... Sixteen...

It seems like It was really just a few seconds ago I remember where I was being Thirteen. But now it's all a blur. It's a new year and I'm happy right now. Well, mellow to be honest. Just trying, trying to live through another year,

but hopefully not a year without you

Happy New Year

Oh hi guys, it's a new year. Happy New Year Everyone! Year 2010 to be exact and my phone won't stop FACKING ringing from all the texts and calls.. What did you do for New Years? Got any resolutions? I spent my new years talking to Dylon a little bit, and then I drew a new trippy picture for the New Year 8D I'll put up a picture one day.


So I've got no resolutions, and I have to say 2009 was truly amazing, I loved every bit of it and hated much of it too. July was the best month out of them all, and I'm glad I got to see Hollywood Undead up front back in February. 2009 was just yesterday... seems like a long time ago, like far far away when you think about it being 'last year'


And here's to a new entry for my blog, it's gonna be almost one year for me using this blog for me being able to write down all my depressing and interesting rants, thank you bloggy. you're my best friend.
i'm hungry.


Eh it's Late, time for sleep.
Good Night!