So, I'm at work

And New Years is in just two days. It's a little depressing, all my hard work and effort and everything goes by so fast. And yet I'll be spending it alone this year.
2009... was indeed a life changing year. And I'll be spending my New Years in 32 degree weather on my roof with a bottle of Jack.
I feel good about myself, for being independent I mean, it's been a while since I've felt strong about myself. Though, while the year is still in progress of coming to an end, I could honestly go for a few tears that I just want to let out from holding in so much.
I hated and loved this year so much, Things happened that I absolutely loved... other things like how much the good of this year can actually kill me.

And like Dylon says, Forever and Always. Now, with a boy like him, what kind of kid would he be to go back on words like that...
'Promises are cute when they're kept'

The scar is going away so quickly, I'll never remember or see it ever again once it disappears.
You know, ever since Dylon made his blog, whenever I want to feel a little bit better I go back and read all his old posts... Because they were mostly about me, it made me feel great to read how much he cares. Though he doesn't show it anymore, I guess I have to know and shouldn't be reminded. I wonder though... I want true full answers, I've got questions too you know?

Dylon, am I a good friend? Am I still your best friend? Do you need me?

If you want me to stay, I'll never leave, I understand now.

I didn't get to see Benny.

I'm so upset... I didn't get to see him, I was looking so forward to seeing him today after four years...

I was hoping to see him, I wanted to see him, I felt so heartbroken. He gets deported back to Iraq in February. I don't want him to go, I need and want to see him, I don't wanna go on for years without seeing him... I need my brother.

So I made my biggest confession

Of the most stupidest and horrible thing I've done.

Now I want to sleep.
But I can't, because I'm going to see my brother. I miss Benny.
Happy day... happy day.
duck.

I'm putting my foot straight through the floor

You won't be walking through
any of my doors, anymore.

I don't know what to think or how to say

I'm restless

And these entries are pointless.

I think I give up

or.. I don't, I don't know what I want anymore.

It's the day after Christmas. I'm seeing my big brother soon. I sort of feel like and think this Love I once I had with Dylon is so close to being over. It was just... two years ago we met, it was just last year he was absolutely in love with me, and asked me out himself... it was just May of this year we were together till he broke it off with me again. It was just July... just back in July we were finally together for the first time, happy for the first time being together...Now it's like we go on for what seems like days, weeks without each other and it's like we've become strangers to each other. I'm sort of done with relationships.

It doesn't cross my mind anymore to think about getting in another relationship, it really doesn't. But when it comes to Dylon, I get excited knowing he'll tell me he loves me, or say something I want to believe he won't say to anyone else, but me. Like a little girl wanting to be picked up by her Father, and when he does, it feels absolute to feel like you're higher and on top of the world.

I'm not the girl that can give him the feel of hope, freedom or happiness anymore, especially when all he thinks is logic, maybe I'm just saying it, but maybe it's true for him also. He has his friends, I guess it's just hard to maintain with me, we don't make great conversations anymore do we? One day I wish he would say he needed me. I'd feel more of a use in my existence if I could ever hear that.

I guess I'm all mental and emotional talk, no logic, I'm going to leave now.

Bye Bloggy.

I don't understand why it hurt so much.

To call 3-5 times...
Just to call him a few times.
And finally give up, give in to leave a voicemail.
A voicemail.
A voice e-mail of me with a nearly cracking voice just to tell him by my own words
'Merry christmas'

I couldn't even say I love you, I just couldn't, I knew I'd ruin a fine voicemail.
I wanna see him again, i wanna be with him again
he'll never know or understand how much i truly want him more than ever
this hurts more than anything...

What a lonely christmas eve...

With about four hundred dollars in my hand, I should cash out my bank and run away.

Smile, Smile for me.

I'm a Chemical Kid, You're a Mechanical Bride

Don't be scared baby Lay with me
We can cuddle all night, let me be your security
Take my hand I'll fulfill your fantasy
I'll do anything, tell me baby, how can I be your lady?

I promise I'd do
Anything, anything for you
If you need me to, just ask me to
I'll be there for you, right here for you
Always, I promise, If you never ever knew
Now you I love you baby that's the truth
Now tell me what's the opposite of two
A lonely me, and a lonely you...

It always seems like I'm last to second best.

And it's as though you're definitely better off with or without me
Even without me.

I guess I'm strong without you too, I'm not depending my life in yours, or anyone's hands.
But, I still want you, without you - My heart can't function, I can't function, I can't live.
I'm never going to forget you, and you're always going to be in my Life, no complaints. I love you, you're a jerk, for making fun of my height/size, and how easily sick I get. But you love me anyways, you're an idiot and I fuckin Love you.

If you've got sins, You can put the blame on me
I'm Miss Independent, singing Single Ladies, and how I'm Single Again. But some days, I'll reminisce and think about how I'd lay in bed on the phone all day Remembering Sunday. This Distance is Darkness. Yet everyday I'll write a love notes with a dozen Ex's and Oh's and keep writing about how you're my Sweet Dreams or a Beautiful Nightmare. How could this be so Complicated. Remember how I'd tell every girl 'Don't Mess with my Man'. At times I could have thought this Romance is Dead. I'll listen to the Soundtrack to my Life think about how Life could be so Beautiful and fuck the rest. Baby Boy, no one's going to love me better, I'm going to stick with you forever. All those sleepless nights, yeah I was talking to my cat, pretending he were you all this time. Now I'll search for a Remedy for love because All my Life I prayed for someone like you. Every night I'll be singing the Prayer, and how people try to look through my eyes and try to read My Story. Baby I love you, I hope you know that you're truly amazing. I feel like I'm at War with myself everyday, my own World War 3. I don't know what the habit is, but I know I'm breaking this habit somehow. I'm on Love Lockdown now, and I'm in Love and Outdone.

ughh

i'm fucking tired
sleeping in tomorrow
yay.

12:30am

And It's already the next day. After this week It's winter break and I'm trying to work on seeing if I can go see Dylon this winter break. But only if his dad gets the basement room ready... *runs around with luck charms and crosses fingers* I don't believe in luck but hey, I'd like to see Dylon for the holidays.

Eminem's old songs are playing right now, my god he was such an idiot back then, but Eminem is pretty dece. "I'm slim shady the real slim shady" Oh lord.
I've been feeling like a little kid again lately. I love it, it's a different kind of kid though, none of the bright colors and kid knick knacks in my hair and kid clothing. I feel like I know it'll get back into that soon though.

Things are picking up
I'm feeling less trapped.

I promise I'd do absolutely anything for you...

Yep, today's the day
Two years of our friendship
Wouldn't have it any other way, i guess

I would much rather just say I'm his, he's mine
I miss it when he calls me 'Princess' , 'Babygirl' , and all those cute and silly little nicknames constantly
I miss it a lot when he'd talk about Odin and Holly and how dumb Chance is
Even though I happen to love that impaired dog.

I miss the time we would speak on the phone
where it was close enough to having a conversation face to face
actually hearing the sound, motion and change in moods

I really miss being in his arms
cuddling, being held by him was probably one of the most amazing things in the world
I felt so safe, so vulnerable, known that he'd always be there for me, protect me
i felt lifted, high

Now, it's all a precious memory
And i miss him so much...

My high is gone but I don't want to be sober

Happy 2 years anniversary
of our friendship
and the relationship that never really got to make it

i still love you after all this time
i wonder where this will all go form now on though...

Three More Days...

My high is gone, but I don't want to be sober.
If only.. these nights weren't so cold.
If only, I could do something to warm his heart.
I'm glad I know him, for the Holidays this year.
I just want him to know by hearing my voice;
"That I am always going to be here for you, and I want us to stay together"

...
That's all I want.

OMFG

I am, so horny...

I feel so good...

losing weight and gaining some muscle weight blehh.
Tired, sore, i want dylon cuppycakes
♥

no update.

I've got a really sad and horrible confession to make...

I regret looking at it every day and night.

Everything a broken heart like mine is

A broken heart is forcing yourself to hang up the phone after you have dialed the first three digits to his phone number. A broken heart is the cold, shattering feeling you receive when you hear his name. A broken heart is when you are crying yourself to sleep every night and yet crying more and more each morning. A broken heart is glancing at his pictures, and then quickly turning your attention to something else to avoid your tears. A broken heart is screaming and begging for a second chance inside, but not being able to say it out loud. A broken heart is the emptiness and heart wrenching feeling you encounter when you see that he is talking to other girls. A broken heart is knowing that no matter what you do or say to yourself, you can't fool your heart into believing that you will in fact be “okay”. A broken heart is having to live everyday figuring out whether it's right to hate or still love him. A broken heart is wanting to do a million and one bad and good things just to have him back. A broken heart is when you see him everyday, wishing you were right next to him lacing fingers. A broken heart is when you start crying when someone mentions his name like it's okay. A broken heart is that one day on his next birthday you tell him 'Happy Birthday' with a big smile... but since you can't spend the day and time with him, you lay at home singing happy birthday to a picture of you and him on your nightstand. A broken heart is remembering all the songs he dedicated to you. A broken heart is when you sit in the middle of your bedroom floor with a cupcake and a candle singing happy birthday to yourself, holding yourself, because he's not there to give you all the birthday wishes, kisses and cuddles. A broken heart is missing him. A broken heart is listening to that one song that makes you break down, on repeat. A broken heart is when you go from smiling uncontrollably every time you hear his voice to quiet tears for everyday that goes by without a word from him. A broken heart is when you try to ignore him but end up going out of your way just to see if you are on his mind. A broken heart is when you know you’ve been hurt, but have no idea how to fix it. A broken heart is when you finally realize that he’s everything you need… and at the same time realize he’s the one thing you can never have. A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken then to hurt yourself trying to fix it.

I feel very lonely.

Things are coming clear
But I guess I don't need you here
And in this disrespected world surrounding me
I'm never glad you that you had to disappear

I'm pained in this sad condition
I've done this self made affliction
This heartache, love-ache this pain, can't be fixed
or healed, mended, no way with any prescription
No fainting spell, nor medication
I can never say I'm fine, I'm in total contradiction

I've held in, with fear and pain inside
But held enough pride to never allow to let that show outside
I can never run, never said I would, either way I can't hide
Not from you, your forsaken love was my demise

It was me and you
Swear to God, what the hell did I do
Was it me, was it you, was I wrong, right, was that true?
Played again and again, tell me Master, am I a fool?
You know I'd do anything for you
I'd give it all away, to have someone to come home to...

So it's December...

And it's a very busy month for everyone.
I'm working now and I'm happy with the money I'm getting.

It's hard to believe, it's already the 6th, and well... in 9 days to me is a bit more special than Christmas, can anyone guess what day that is?

After this month, the New Year is in progress, I wonder if i'll ever stick to a resolution. Probably not, it'll gradually work it's way somehow around... so I sort of stick to it.

I don't even remember what my resolution for this year was.

It's the Holidays now though. I wish I could see Dylon this winter break. I've been sulking in depression this entire time, and it didn't seem worth it for me to see him anyway with him and Emily in the way of being together. But she broke up with him... I don't know what happened, he didn't tell me, he never tells me many things anymore.

i just wonder if he's lost that trust in me now. Seems like everyone has, no one counts on me anymore, yet it's after a long time where they need me most and it's all awkward and i allow them to use me. Dylon's different he doesn't need me, he's strong on his own, great kid.

i still wanna see him, i wonder if it will change everything...

Story of my Life

I still come out third best.

I Guess I'm out of your league.