I don't understand why it hurt so much.

To call 3-5 times...
Just to call him a few times.
And finally give up, give in to leave a voicemail.
A voicemail.
A voice e-mail of me with a nearly cracking voice just to tell him by my own words
'Merry christmas'

I couldn't even say I love you, I just couldn't, I knew I'd ruin a fine voicemail.
I wanna see him again, i wanna be with him again
he'll never know or understand how much i truly want him more than ever
this hurts more than anything...