I wanna runaway

Never Say Goodbye...

I did it again.
It doesn't matter anymore.
I'm a horrible daughter.
Nobody ever wanted me.

It watches everything, this is what I call

Paranoia

I can't tell if I'm extremely tired...
Or going through the worst depression of my life.

I feel like I'm being avoided

I can't believe nearly everyone practically ditched me...
Friends, sounds like a joke now.

I've had these packages and letters for a while now...
I want to send them to you.
But for some reason I'm scared.

I'm all torn up when I use to be so strong

So, yesterday, after school.
I came home, and I saw my brother in law's stuff.
I guess he forgot it.

No one is home.

There was his itouch, and a pack of cigarettes.
Cigarettes.

I took one, and took a lighter and went out by the pool, sat there and thought to myself.
I remembered how happy I was just a few years ago.
I can lead myself to believe I can be happy again, it's all me, I can be happy.
But, I'm not comfortable.
I can't be here.

I lit the cigarette.
I sat there and smoked it, why? I just wanted to I guess.
For no pressure, no reason, I, ME, I just wanted to smoke it.
Want an answer? : Just because.

To this day, I can't believe how much of a mess I am, thinking about all the atrocious thoughts I think of, these sick depressing thoughts that leave me cringing in horror of how disgusted I am with myself.

It was halfway through.
the cigarette i mean.

False Hopes and promises are made, and I've taken them in knowing they're all lies.
I smiled, I guess because just the words being said alone, it gives you the feeling of happiness.
And you want that happiness, so you cover that with your unhappiness.

I can't stand it here, I've lead myself to believe that no one cares.
No matter if I put up a wall or not
No one's on the other side, so I'll just sit here.
And wait.
Just wait...

hmm..yeah

Note: I'm pessimistic and highly paranoid, I break and lose everything people give me, therefore I don't deserve anything. I'm not pretty, and I'm not worth it, I'm never good enough and I'm always going to put myself down because there is not one good attribute about me. I'm weak I guess but I'll for sure say I'm the strongest, I'll let you hurt my feelings, walk all over me, take advantage of me, let you yell at me and I'll still love you and forgive you for your worst, and I've had much worse as it is. My smallest mistakes are the worst and the most stupidest. And it doesn't matter if I put up a wall or not, no one's on the other side, and even if they are, just give up, don't make yourself the next one in my life, if my family can't accept me, if every boy left me for the next bitch or can't gather the strength to hold me, if every "friend" just got up and left, then you'll be the next one too; I'll enjoy the sunrise alone, thanks.

Oh, hello bloggy

I'm pretty exhausted, I don't even know what's going on.

Here I go

I'm fading.

The pain in my hip

Is nothing compared to how I feel.
How could you..
You don't need me at all.
Not one bit.

Shwayze - High Together/All Night

If you got the weed
I got the pipe
We can get high together
All night

If you got the weed
I got the light
We can get high together
All night

If it could ever happen.

I'm fading.

Dear Life,

I'm becoming more, and more in sync with my Depression.
No one cares to help, It doesn't matter if I put a wall up or not.
No ones on the other side of it anyway.

I just realized.

That no one really cares. They say they do, and maybe some do, but they just don't.
If I stop and see who will come to me first, no one does.
I guess my attitude and personality drove people away
But what I like to think is they just gave up
They've got other things in their lives to worry about
Yeah... like why should I keep trying right?

I talk to Lindsey here and there, I usually say something, she rarely ims when she most likely knows I'm online.
Why should I always have to go to people, Nikki's always home.
Amber's with her boyfriend, I forgot I actually existed to her
I only feel like the only thing that makes her remember I'm still alive is when she logs on to myspace.

Dylon doesn't talk to me, ever.
I only wait to see if he'll ever talk to me.
I just wait by the phone to see if this guy texts me
I don't know why I do that to myself

No one answers the fucking phone No one calls back I can't say I give up I'm just not going to deal with this shit anymore My mom's more of the reason why I feel like I don't need my existence I've only got myself. no one needs me, I don't need or want to hear it. It all seems like bullshit.

Worrying and feeling this way is like wishing for it to happen
So what if it does? Where will everyone's heart be then?
Too late to realize I guess.

Maybe I'm immature, or something, waiting for someone to pick me up and carry me. If my pain could be expressed physically, no one would recognize me.
When I go away, no one will ever realize. Hah.

what the hell.

my mom doesn't fucking need me
but damn i'd do anything to make her happy
my grades won't but money will
i can't wait to get the 800 and leave it on the table and leave to anywhere.

So, I haven't posted anything in a while

It's still February at least.

So, I've been feeling really shitty lately, but I have my decent days, the weather is bipolar though, so it's doing worse than I am. I wonder how Dylon's coping right now. The other night, he went from having a good time with his buddies drinking, to... telling me how he felt. He told me he wasn't having fun anymore. And he brought out to me about Oden, his dog that died last month, that dog wasn't just a dog, Oden was his best friend. I felt a little overwhelmed, I cried a lot. He hasn't spoken up to me about any of his thoughts or feelings like that... in so long. September to be truthful. That Saturday, was well, a good day, me and him talked and I felt comfortable with him mentally.

Then Vicki was feeling horrible because Vicki didn't seem excited to get to talk to her after being in Florida for a while, which meant her being away from phone and less access to the computer. I thought it was mean. With my significant other, especially Lindsey, I'd talk to them as much as I can, and burst out in excitement, or sorrow in how much I missed them, hehe.

But times like those, I wish I could have been near Lindsey already, to fill in her gap up being upset with happiness, come over and we can make muffins or cupcakes.
A time like that I could hold Dylon, and feel what he needed to say just being close to me, and let him cry, just let him cry till he was worn out and passed out in my arms. Just like he did last year in July. He cried, and held me really really tight. He was sad. Broken. Now he's even more of a mess and he can't pick himself up. Everything of him seems to have disappeared off the Earth. But Oden is always with him. I want to help him be stronger. Mend his broken heart, his confused mind. And help find his soul back to where he can be home, and won't have to think twice or worry about finding another, because that's where he'll be.. home.

Well, on a different note, Benny is leaving for Iraq the Thirteen, OH and the Twelfth is Dylon's 17th birthday♥. I wish I could have seen Benny before he left, It's been too long since I've seen him. But he's only going for seven months this time and then he's coming back, and moving to California with his girlfriend Jamie. And I can go see him whenever I want, and hopefully I can bring Dylon! And I'm getting my hips and tongue pierced this month/reallyreallyreally soon. I sure can't wait. It's been okay, it's reallyreallyreally cold right now though, ick.

xoxo, Kitty

Happy February.

Not so happy me. I'm so tired, I'm irritable in the day time and when I think I'll get to relax when I get home I'm only lonely, seems like I'll be like this for the rest of my life, but what's the good of that thinking that way. I'm starting to feel distant and I just want to get away from everyone. Seriously I just wanna know, what would happen if I disappeared? And just never came back for a long time. How would people feel, what would they think, would it matter, of course it would; to some. but who truly cares. I miss the kind of people who would drop everything for me. I can't even imagine to know that I do that for people. I've wasted too much time, now I wanna do my thing.

I just looked back and now I'm fucked. What the hell am I suppose to do. Oh too fucking bad, your dad died, now what? Daddy, you're here aren't you? Where's Amber, I use to always run to her house. And Dylon, didn't you promise me, a forever, that you wouldn't leave no matter what...

How long am I going to be fucking depressed about this, just when I think I'm free I get into prison again, and I can only help myself but I guess I'm just not that strong, I have my decent days and then I'm locked up again. What the hell do I get myself in to. I don't go to anyone for help but god I wish someone would come get me, someone I expect to though. No, I don't want help, I should help myself. Isn't that how it always is? I can work my own mind so I should be able to right... Mom, Dad, do you still love me. Amber.. where's Amber. I can't run to her house anymore, no one's going to be there but a bunch of strangers. My dad's dead, and no one else is going to call me their princess.

I've been trying to keep my grades up, I printed out a paper to show to my mom, I put it on her door, when I got home, I found it in the trash with a bunch of random things and weird liquids covering it.... Did i not make her proud, is anyone proud of me. i'm alone in this house all day.

and when I go out, it's even more lonelier. I'm sick of it.