I'm all torn up when I use to be so strong

So, yesterday, after school.
I came home, and I saw my brother in law's stuff.
I guess he forgot it.

No one is home.

There was his itouch, and a pack of cigarettes.
Cigarettes.

I took one, and took a lighter and went out by the pool, sat there and thought to myself.
I remembered how happy I was just a few years ago.
I can lead myself to believe I can be happy again, it's all me, I can be happy.
But, I'm not comfortable.
I can't be here.

I lit the cigarette.
I sat there and smoked it, why? I just wanted to I guess.
For no pressure, no reason, I, ME, I just wanted to smoke it.
Want an answer? : Just because.

To this day, I can't believe how much of a mess I am, thinking about all the atrocious thoughts I think of, these sick depressing thoughts that leave me cringing in horror of how disgusted I am with myself.

It was halfway through.
the cigarette i mean.

False Hopes and promises are made, and I've taken them in knowing they're all lies.
I smiled, I guess because just the words being said alone, it gives you the feeling of happiness.
And you want that happiness, so you cover that with your unhappiness.

I can't stand it here, I've lead myself to believe that no one cares.
No matter if I put up a wall or not
No one's on the other side, so I'll just sit here.
And wait.
Just wait...