I've decided...

If I can't have a child when I'm older, I'll become a scientist and make androids, yes something like you see in little cartoons or Chobits. I've decided this because I want to do it. I'd love to spend my years experimenting, making them feel, grow and learn just as a normal human would. I'd love to have a human like daughter, looking at 16 year of age. Beautiful, indescribably beautiful. Even better I guess, is if I do have a husband it be nice. We could both be in a lab together creating and experimenting, science and technology is no exciting and fun, I wouldn't know where to start though, I'd probably have to take some sort of science degree in school in order to be doing some sort of thing such as that.

Lately, I've been in the greatest stages of depression, being on the other side of the world away from everything just kills me...

I feel me and Dylon are just getting more and more repelled to each other. I have no idea why, I don't know what the hell doubts me. I feel that we definitely will be together in the future but right now even as friends though we're not together anymore it's really hard for me to accept him to go on with anyone else. If he did anyway. And then if he does get with anyone, I don't know, I guess I'll just be away. I can't stand finding myself reading his new posted bulletins and seeing things and hearing from others with his new chick. It just kills me. And what hurts me more is how Diyahna is attracted to him.

I heard from Abby that her and Dylon exchanged a few texts and Dylon said some weird things. Something about sex and drugs, I asked Abby to tak to Dylon about it, and then tell me later. But... that just makes me feel like I'm stalking him, watching him, I mean, I didn't even mean to ask... I think. She's the one who told me anyway, not like I'm blaming her though. I don't think Dylon knows when people tell me things about him whether I ask or not, and surely enough, they usually just tell me, I only find out by asking how he's doing, or what was he up to in class that day with his friends or something like that.

Danielle, Dylon's close friend- added me on myspace, I saw, I accepted, I sent a message saying hello. I guess now I'll see how their friendship is from her story. I suppose it's not as if I'm wanting Dylon to be free and all to myself. I mean... we just flirt so much, all we usually talk about when getting friendly intimate, is sexual activities, doing this or that to one another. I mean, I find it very amusing and a turn on, but I don't know, will we be friends with benefits? We speak of I love you's and he tells me these things that shows he will always care about me, now that I don't doubt, it's the 'I love you, forever' feel that makes me wonder if I'm going to wait, am I falling out of love with him or not, what am I going to put myself into?

I think I've found pleasure in the worst possible way ever, in pain and heartache. Would being physically and emotionally attracted to Dylon and possibly have sex with him, exchange a few kisses here and there and 'I love you's' even be okay?

Woah woah woah, what am i saying, i have so much on my mind, all of which is opposite from everything, doing this and then doing that.

I'm so lost, I don't know anymore, I'm so stupid. And all I do is cry so much just being over here.
My health keeps getting worse and worse too, my throat hurts so bad.

I want to go home, wherever that is.

<3Rainy.