I've dug my grave so God help me die in it.
I've written continuously in this blog about my sad depressing and Heart trending thoughts and I cringe at the thoughts I've had and yet continued. I've looked on myself and I definitely hate who I am. I'm not me. I used to be a sweet girl, I never gave a damn of a word anyone said, and I was always walking with my head high. Rarely down and sad and always hyphy, full of energy all the time. Always on a natural high and laughing and smiling seemed like the greatest and best thing I knew how to do. What got the best of me, what happened? Why did I drop the crayons that I used to color my life and broke down in black and grey. I became a pessimistic, negative person. I used to be so adolescent, my innocence was purely gone... And it seems that I have changed for the worse. This me everyone sees is something weak, pathetic, vile disgusting display of affection that should be covered with dirt and snow. I've tried changing and I fail miserably. What I've come to fathom is that I gave into all my negative thoughts. The power of me died into depending on the boy I love. I put all my hope and strength in to him thinking he's the only support I'll ever need. And he still is, but I should and need to be strong even without it. I can't live without him though, I need him every day in my life and without him My heart can't function. But it seems that me and my ex are just nothing more but best friends now. And he tells me he still has feelings for me and I know I'm better than her. But I feel my hopes of being his number one have failed completely. I absolutely loathe her existence, I see nothing good of her, I'm jealous people may say but I just fucking hate her. Once seen as party matieral now seen as a way out of this misery. The sad part in all of this is i still crave that part in you that held me so close, that part i gave my heart out so willingly for you to scorch it. This time, everyone wants to say that he's wrong, he's done nothing but hurt me. But I will always take him back. I'll always say yes right away if he asked me back in his arms the way I want to be. And what if he wraps me in ribbons again and lets me go to unravel in an endless scary fall, I'll go back and forth, back and forth, up and down, just like a yoyo, back in his hands, free falling the next. He's seen the sadist in this relationship. He knows me better than anyone else does, better than I know myself. I've never lied about this, I still fucking love you.
I've written continuously in this blog about my sad depressing and Heart trending thoughts and I cringe at the thoughts I've had and yet continued. I've looked on myself and I definitely hate who I am. I'm not me. I used to be a sweet girl, I never gave a damn of a word anyone said, and I was always walking with my head high. Rarely down and sad and always hyphy, full of energy all the time. Always on a natural high and laughing and smiling seemed like the greatest and best thing I knew how to do. What got the best of me, what happened? Why did I drop the crayons that I used to color my life and broke down in black and grey. I became a pessimistic, negative person. I used to be so adolescent, my innocence was purely gone... And it seems that I have changed for the worse. This me everyone sees is something weak, pathetic, vile disgusting display of affection that should be covered with dirt and snow. I've tried changing and I fail miserably. What I've come to fathom is that I gave into all my negative thoughts. The power of me died into depending on the boy I love. I put all my hope and strength in to him thinking he's the only support I'll ever need. And he still is, but I should and need to be strong even without it. I can't live without him though, I need him every day in my life and without him My heart can't function. But it seems that me and my ex are just nothing more but best friends now. And he tells me he still has feelings for me and I know I'm better than her. But I feel my hopes of being his number one have failed completely. I absolutely loathe her existence, I see nothing good of her, I'm jealous people may say but I just fucking hate her. Once seen as party matieral now seen as a way out of this misery. The sad part in all of this is i still crave that part in you that held me so close, that part i gave my heart out so willingly for you to scorch it. This time, everyone wants to say that he's wrong, he's done nothing but hurt me. But I will always take him back. I'll always say yes right away if he asked me back in his arms the way I want to be. And what if he wraps me in ribbons again and lets me go to unravel in an endless scary fall, I'll go back and forth, back and forth, up and down, just like a yoyo, back in his hands, free falling the next. He's seen the sadist in this relationship. He knows me better than anyone else does, better than I know myself. I've never lied about this, I still fucking love you.
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